Bridging the Gap

Yesterday, Saul left Poinciana to head back to the Ocala area. Before he left, he took us out to breakfast at Denny's, and we had lots of time to talk. Since he is preparing to write his Yom Kippur sermon, we talked about an idea he had the night before based on some conversations we all had about weight loss. Saul, Phyllis, and I have all struggled with weight loss. Mark has struggled with keeping himself off insulin and keeping weight ON. Those are totally different issues!

Anyway, yesterday morning Saul came out and announced the idea that was forming and a title, "Bridging the Gap." I asked him what that meant, and his answer was eye-opening and brilliant. He will write the sermon about the ability to bridge the gap between recognizing a problem and acting on it. WOW!! That's profound.

I have written a lot of blogs about how to lose weight over these last two years. I feel like I know a LOT about it! I know what my triggers are, and I know what good food choices look like, both at home and in restaurants. Yet, I consistently do NOT act on them; I do NOT bridge the gap between knowledge and action. Why? I don't know. If I knew how to bridge that gap, I would write a book and be a gazillionaire!

Saul and I talked a long time about these things. One thing he suggested was a mantra, something to say or recite at the right moment to help slow down a poor choice or bad behavior, maybe even a blessing. I have read something like that before and tried it. I think it's a good idea, but I'm not sure I have the magic bullet mantra yet. Years and years ago when I was successfully dieting in the late 1980s, I used to recite a Bible verse to myself. I used to know where it was, but I've forgotten. I think it's somewhere in Deuteronomy, but don't hold me to that. I'm probably paraphrasing the verse, too, and I know that it did NOT have anything to do with dieting or food choices! It's just that one day that particular verse spoke to me, so I used it a little like a mantra. The verse is (and I'm doing this from memory!) "Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." Probably remembered it from the old translations! LOL! Anyway, I used that verse to help remind me that I don't need the food sometimes. Sometimes, I need to think about God, or other people, or anything but food. It helped at the time, but then I just stopped using it. Could be time to bring that back!

We also talked about 12-Step programs and how people are encouraged to turn things over to a Higher Power, whatever that might mean to someone. Certainly a food addiction and binge-eating disorder can respond to that concept. I think Overeaters Anonymous uses a similar program to AA and asks people to find that Higher Power to help give them strength to walk away from bad behaviors. I have never joined that group, but sometimes I think there is something to it. Of course, just going to group meetings like that one or Weight Watchers gives you strength from the support of a group of people struggling with the same issues. I sort of think that's why the phone app of Weight Watchers isn't working for me. I might need that actual group meeting to have some accountability with real people.

This year at Rosh Hashanah, the classic time for new beginnings and turning over a new leaf, I noticed something in the new prayerbook that spoke to me at the time. I can't remember the actual lines from the book, but the intent was that it's important to find peace in yourself and to think about what causes you NOT to be peaceful so you can try to change it. At that moment it hit me that the only times now that I am EVER NOT at peace is when I overeat. Every single time I make poor food choices and gain a little weight, I am mad at myself and beat myself up about it on this blog. When I thought back to the times in my life (twice on Weight Watchers and once on my own) when I successfully lost lots of weight, I realized that those were the times I was most at peace with myself.

At this stage in my life, I am at peace with everything else. I have basically no stress in my life. I am at peace with my husband, my friends, my kids, my house and community, my neighbors, my finances, and even my health. How many people in the world can say something like that? It's almost scary to write it down and contemplate how truly blessed I am! Yet, I do this ONE thing that consistently upsets me, makes me hate myself, makes me mad at myself, makes me NOT at peace with my life. Why can't I bridge that gap? Why can't I find the way to cross over the bridge from knowledge to action on the food choices? I don't know, but I do know that recognizing it is the first step. I did spend over a decade not even recognizing it. Obviously, weighing 200 at my 40th birthday in 1990 to weighing 322 in 2003 meant that I was not paying any attention at all to the food choices I was making. No one can gain over ten pounds a year for that long without overeating, yet I was oblivious to it. When clothes no longer fit, I just bought all new ones. When I wanted to eat, I ate. I never checked the scale. Mentally, I had just checked out entirely.

So this is a new year. Yom Kippur begins Friday night. The time from Rosh Hashana to Yom Kippur is just about over. That's the time to make amends for past offenses, both to fellow human beings as well as to God. Any offense to a person is an offense against God, but offenses against YOURSELF are also offenses against God. I offend myself every time I make that wrong food choice. I can apologize to myself and to God over and over, but until I actually STOP making the wrong choice and START making the right choice, consistently and every time, my apology is meaningless. To do true tshuvah, to make a real change, when faced with the same scenario, you MUST MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE. You can't continue to do the wrong thing in the same situation or your apology, your tshuvah, is wasted.

I can only say I'm going to try again. Pick myself up and try again. What else can I do? I'd like to find myself a year from now at peace. At peace would mean I have dropped some weight and feel good about my food choices. I will go to services this weekend and pray, sincerely. I will try to turn myself over to that Higher Power and do true tshuvah. Only time will show if I'm successful.

Meanwhile, if Saul reads this blog, I hope I did justice to his idea. I also hope he sends me a copy of the sermon because I'd love to read it.

To all who are approaching Yom Kippur Friday night, may you have an easy and meaningful fast. May you all be written and SEALED in the Book of Life for another happy, healthy, and peaceful year.