Fear Factor

I should be afraid, very afraid. 

Yesterday for National Greasy Food Day, we went to Denny's and ate everything BAD.  We  had an appetizer of onion rings and mozzarella sticks.  Then we had fried fish, fries,and cole slaw. It was all delicious.  Of course, the piper must be paid.  Mark's sugar hit 241 last night despite drinking whiskey and water.  My weight hit 264 this morning.  I have eaten two thirds of the Halloween candy we collected Sunday night as well.

Then this morning in the shower, after being depressed over the number on the scale, I had a sudden burst of panic and fear.  Back in April of 2009 when the surgeon told me that he would not operate on my two hernias because I was too heavy, I weighed 295.  I lost 70 pounds between April and November and had the surgery at 220.  Then I lost another 15 pounds by the time I retired on February 1 of 2010.  That was a total loss of 90 pounds in nine months, a truly awesome accomplishment.

Well, this morning it occurred to me that I have put back 59 of those pounds and I'm only down 31 pounds from the weight that was too fat for surgery.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT HAVE I BEEN THINKING???

Today I behaved.  I ate what I should always eat and logged the calories for the day, 1420.  I did not exercise.

UGH.  What's just one day?  It's nothing.  Unless I can keep this up for about six months and lose a significant amount of weight, I'm just fooling myself.  Where is my will power?  Where is my ability to think long term instead of short term? Where is that ability to go out and exercise at least a little bit each and every day no matter how I feel or what the weather is?  I don't know. It all seems to be gone. 

I WANT IT BACK!!