Love it/Hate it

I'm talking about loving and hating Tuesdays. I love it because tonight it means choir practice again. It was very enjoyable last week, and I expect it to be the same tonight. When I finish the blog this morning, I'm going to go practice my music. I haven't sat down at the piano since we moved into the house, so it will be nice to hear it play a few notes here today. I'm also loving this Tuesday because at 5:30 this evening, Mark and I will attend a Wine and Cheese Social at Mosaics for new residents. We were invited to one last fall when we were officially new residents, but I called and asked to be invited again later on. Last fall we were in Maryland and in no position to be attending a social. Thankfully, they did hold our names and re-invite us to this year's social. Mark can then literally walk through the bathrooms to the ballroom and attend the Travel Club meeting while I leave the social about 15 minutes early in order to go back to the car and drive to the Palms for the choir rehearsal. It's going to be great!

Why do I hate Tuesdays? Loyal readers will know. It's weigh-in day and today it's not pretty. I'm up three pounds this week. It started out well last Tuesday and Wednesday with exercise and reasonable calories. I dropped about a pound, but then starting Wednesday night with the Democratic lasagna dinner, I started edging up. We ate dinner out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. We also had some breakfasts and lunches out. I think I might have been able to hold my own if I had also exercised more or eaten less snacks.

The WORST thing I did was go shopping at Beall's. This is a store I have heard a lot about and have wanted to go to for awhile. On Friday, Mark picked up his car from the repair shop and took it to the car wash while I went to Beall's. I had seen it from route 192 when we drove by. I didn't know it was part of a shopping center that reminded me of the Laurel Mall, dying. Most of the stores were closed. The three big stores, Ross, Burlington Coat Factory, and Beall's, were surrounded by mostly closed up shops. Beall's was also closing and most of the stock was gone. Everything in the store was 40% or more off. I found a great pair of shoes that I wore the next day on the trip to Winter Park. That was a great find because I can almost never find heels that work for me. These were white, leather slingbacks on a two inch cork wedge that were surprisingly perfect for me. I wore them all day on Saturday feeling great.

Well, back to why it was the worst thing to do. Candy! Oy, I love candy and I love bargains. They had solid chocolate alligators, a typical Florida souvenir at rest stops and gift shops. They also had boxes of coconut patties in key lime, orange, and mango flavors. I've had the key lime ones before in Key West and from a rest area driving to Miami. I have often bought them and brought them back up north as gifts. I had never seen the orange and mango flavored ones, so of course, I bought a box of each of the three flavors as well as four chocolate alligators. I rationalized the alligators as something I could put out in the guest room for company. Later I realized that most of our company that is coming up shortly are diabetics. Dumb move. And the WORST is yet to come. As if four chocolate alligators and three boxes of coconut patties wasn't enough, I bought a box of salt water taffy and a box of chocolate covered pretzels. I really LOVE both of those.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. It just gets worse. I ate the entire box of pretzels, all 12 of them, before I got home. Now that's the food addiction coming back. Hiding food, eating alone, eating all of a box meant for more than one person, eating when it's not appropriate, etc., etc., etc. are all symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder. I also ate about one third of the salt water taffy on the way home. The rest of the taffy was gone in the next few days as I grabbed a handful every night watching some TV.

Now, for the piece de resistance, I dug into the coconut patties Sunday night because I had never tasted the orange or mango flavors. I figured just eating one of each to see what it tasted like would be ok. That probably would have been ok except that yesterday I ended up eating 10 coconut patties, several of all three flavors. I didn't feel sick as I ate them because they were spread out over several hours. The sickness came later in the day when I really began to feel "out of sorts." At first, I couldn't put my finger on why I felt ill. I played Mah Jongg in the afternoon and didn't really feel myself. (I did win one game, so that was ok, at least!) When I came home, I didn't go exercise in the gym with Mark. I wanted a nap, which I never got, but I just felt yucky. I still didn't attribute it to the four or five coconut patties I had consumed, so naturally as the evening of TV came on I ate four or five more. BIG MISTAKE.

During the night, my stomach hurt so badly I could not stay in bed. I got up and spent about an hour in the bathroom. Oh, it wasn't pretty. At around 4 a.m. I was googling coconut and candy and gastric distress. There are lots of carbs in coconut and YES, over-consumption can cause gastric distress! Ya THINK???!!!! One thing I read said drink a lot of water and just let nature take its course, no reason to panic or think a trip to the ER would be needed. Taking that advice, I drank a big glass of water, read some magazines, googled my symptoms some more, sat in the bathroom some more, and finally went back to bed near 5 a..m.

At least, I finally did one smart thing: I threw the rest of the candy in the trash before I went back to bed.

OK, there's the truth. I really didn't want to write this down; I didn't want to admit it to myself or to anyone else, especially Mark, how stupid I have been this week, how I have sunk back into my food addiction. On the other hand, if I don't keep the blog honest, what good is it. I started this blog almost two years ago the morning after a binge eating session, ironically during an episode of The Biggest Loser. I wanted the blog to set me straight and get my head going back in the right direction. I hope it can do it again now that I've made my confession.

My stomach is still hurting. I don't think all of the coconut has worked its way through the system yet. I had my usual breakfast of four Morningstar links and a sugar free fat, free yogurt plus two cups of black coffee. I'm about to drink a glass of water, get a shower, dress, and practice my music. I can control lunch because it will be in the house. The wine and cheese social from 5:30 to 7 will constitute dinner tonight. I promise to do my best to control that and then go to choir and sing my heart out. There will also be dinner out Wednesday and Thursday nights this week. I've got to be careful in those circumstances and then there will be no more dinners out for over a week.

I am really embarrassed to have to confess this eating binge. Over a year ago, before cancer, I really thought I had this under control. It just shows that addictions are truly hard to overcome. I am just thankful that I never started smoking or doing drugs. I can't imagine having to get over those addictions, and yet my food addiction is just as unhealthy and hard to overcome as those. The only thing to do after a big relapse is pick myself up and start over, one day, one meal, one hour at a time. Wish me luck!