Makin' a list; checkin' it twice.

I have to make a list because the things I have to do today are so many that I'm afraid I'm going to forget them.

At 9:30 I have my MRI of both breasts. That's the next chore on the cancer list. I also have to order copies of the last two years of mammogams to take with me to the meeting on Thursday. We need to take our old MD tags to the MVA, pick up some mail from our former neighbor, shop for food, and make many phone calls for various odds and ends of things. I'm sure there's more that I can't remember right now. That's why I have to make the list and check it twice!

I have joined an online support group for breast cancer patients, and last night and this morning I spent a lot of time reading their posts and putting up my introduction. I'm learning a lot of things, not all good, from these women. So far there are two things they have brought up that I had not considered. First is that after surgery and during this odyssey, many of them feel that they have lost their old self. They didn't see it coming, and they miss their former self. They feel a sense of loss and feel there was no closure for that loss. Hm... Second, they are tired of "doing" cancer. It consumes their lives for months and months like a full time job. Hours are taken up driving to and from countless appointments, waiting for and having treatments/appointments, and sleeping/recovering from treatments/appointments. This is their new life, their new self, and most of them are not that happy about it. They really preferred their old life and their old self.

Now granted I am in a group for newly diagnosed and ongoing treatment women. They are all a little further along than I am, but they are not cancer-free and living a happy "survivor" life at the other end of the tunnel yet. I have also met many women in the last month who are years past all of this and they seem fine. Still I'm learning that my life is going to change far more than I have wanted to admit. I'm learning that the changes are going to take a lot longer than I have wanted to admit. I have just begun to change my life, and I thought I knew what those changes were going to be. Now I see that I really don't.