Very bad girl

It's not Tuesday, my usual weigh-in day, but I got on the scale anyway. After what I consumed at the Indian restaurant last night, I was expecting a few pounds up. I was not disappointed.

YIKES!! I hit 223!! I haven't seen a number like that since last October. I am not doing anything I am supposed to be doing.

Things I am not doing--
1. not exercising or walking,
2. not writing anything down,
3. not tracking my weight in my notebook or on RealAge,
4. not eliminating bread and alcohol in restaurants (au contraire, I'm devouring both regularly!),
5. not planning my meals in advance,
6. not eating slowly, savoring and noticing the food.

So by not doing the things that I know I should do, that I know work for me, that I know are the right and healthy things to do, WHY should I be surprised to see this weight creep back? I guess it's because self-delusional thinking is so easy. Sure, I can have that garlic nan and mango ice cream dessert on top of the appetizers, wine, and huge potato-stuffed crepey-thing for an entree, and I won't weigh over 220 the next day. Sure, I can eat out day after day with friends and family and not gain weight. Sure, I don't need to walk an hour four or five days a week. I'll be just fine.

Guess again, Becky!! This is foolish thinking. This is the kind of behavior that got you to 322 pounds. This is the kind of behavior that has to STOP. NOW!!

I came downstairs and told Mark what I just posted here. I have to stop going to restaurants. We need to start doing the things that I know work. Having said that, we are scheduled to go to the kosher Chinese restaurant in Pikesville at 1 p.m. today with friends. So...I can still do this. I can eliminate alcohol, eschew the rice bowl, eat less than the whole portion. I could even bring half home for tomorrow. I am eating a normal breakfast and a Hungry Girl dinner that Mark is going to cook. That's good. We are now planning a long walk this afternoon. That's good.

The surgeon who is going to do the lumpectomy is the same one who yelled at me over a year ago when I saw him the first time about the hernia. He did NOT like my weight, and he made me cry about it. Of course, he was right about everything and when I saw him in November at 220 for the hernia surgery, he was quite pleased. I also thanked him for getting me motivated enough to drop that weight. He expected me to lose more weight, which I briefly did, getting down to my lowest point of 205. He hasn't said anything more about weight now that we are dealing with breast cancer. Maybe he doesn't remember, but I do.

Any of you who have read this blog from the beginning know that my way of dealing with stress is to overeat. Do you think I have just a little stress in my life right now? Moving AND breast cancer?? OY!! Still, that's no excuse, and I have to find other ways of dealing with the stress. I'm hoping that when we fly home Tuesday I can spend that week in a routine that includes eating healthy meals in the house, expending extra energy and stress by unpacking boxes, feeling happy about the new house and how it's looking, and getting into a routine of walking everyday. I hope to come back the following week with a nice week's weight loss in preparation for the pre-op scheduled for August 31. The date of the actual surgery cannot be far away.

Those of you who read this blog regularly will find out how I do. You know I won't lie or hold it back. The point of this blog is to tell it all no matter how embarrassing!