Normal is Nice but am I really there yet?

Since Monday, I have felt entirely normal. I have had no aches, no pains, no nausea, no fatigue, nothing but normal. Can this continue? Let's all pray that it does, at least until next Wednesday when I have the second Taxol infusion anyway.

If things are normal, I should behave normally. Right? Right. Of course, I'm NOT. Normal should be eating appropriately, walking regularly, writing down what I eat, counting the calories, and working at the weight loss. So far that has not happened. Hm...why is that? I guess because I am still, deep down, concerned and depressed about the cancer. When I'm upset, I eat. I am the kind of person who deals with their problems by overeating. I talked about Binge Eating Disorder (BED) in a much earlier post, and I think I even included some links to it. I'm pretty sure, without a professional diagnosis, that this fits me to a "T."

I read somewhere once that the brain can only cope with so much at a time. That's probably very true. I can only focus on a few things at a time, and there is only so much "control" to go around. Right now, even though I feel healthy without debilitating side effects, I am still worried and a bit depressed about my diagnosis. Yes, I'm near the end of the chemotherapy, but there are no guarantees with this disease. Until literally years have gone by, the radiation is over, and the hair has returned, I don't think I'll feel free of it. It's not an uncommon reaction in BC women to feel that threat hanging over their heads for years and years. Some women escape the recurrence and some don't. There is no way to know which woman I am until years have passed. I only hope that at some point I can put the fear and depression (and yes, still some residual anger) aside and focus on something else like a more healthy lifestyle and continued weight loss. Today I just don't feel like I'm there yet.

On a happier note, because I do feel so well, Mark and I went to the mall yesterday to buy a few last minute gifts. While there, we decided to see the new Harry Potter movie since the timing was working out. I enjoyed it, but it's been so long since the last one and since I read the books that I barely remembered the plot line. Ah, it didn't really matter. I still liked it.

Lowell came over for DVDs and dinner, our usual Thursday. Mark made "waffles and wings," a dinner he had heard about on the Food Channel. Gladys Knight owns a restaurant in Atlanta that serves this as a specialty, so we had decided to try it. We were able to get pareve waffles, buffalo wings, and fried drumsticks at Seven Mile Market, the kosher grocery store. With broccoli and salad, it was a wonderful dinner. I love fried chicken, so that was a real treat. Ha Ha! If I was on my usual diet regimen, I would NEVER eat any of this! Sigh. Oh, but it was so delicious!!

Today I plan to read, write a few more Christmas cards, and take a walk. I have already not eaten an appropriate breakfast, but the rest of the day could still be good. At least I'll try to be good.