Pearl Harbor and Other Thoughts

Mark and I had the wonderful opportunity to visit the Arizona Memorial in Honolulu last spring. Once you've been there, it's impossible to forget the importance of this date again. Our trip to Hawaii was incredible, and I would highly recommend it to everyone. Whether you fly over and visit the islands or cruise across the Pacific Ocean like we did, it is definitely one of those "not to be missed" experiences. I have included a few pictures today from that trip. One is of the Arizona Memorial as we approached it on the boat to go over to Pearl Harbor. One is inside the memorial where the names of the men who went down with the ship and are still entombed inside are listed. The last one is me back in the port/shopping area of Honolulu. As I was looking back at our vacation pictures, I was struck with how I looked here by the flowers. I was unaware that breast cancer was in my future. I was over 20 pounds smaller than I am now, and I have hair. What a difference! I just want to be that person again.

I also included two other pictures. One is me in our sleeper car on the train as we pulled out of Washington, D.C. on March 2, 2010 to start our 7 week vacation, which included the Hawaiian cruise. It was a Tuesday, so I had checked my weight that morning, 208 pounds. The last picture is me having my first Taxol infusion last Wednesday, December 1. It shows how much weight I have gained. When Mark took that picture, I immediately made him take another one because I was so horrified by how this one looked. Today I'm posting it precisely for that reason. It's weigh-in day, and I am 237 pounds this morning. That is a five pound gain for the week. Last Tuesday I did not report my weight because I had remained the same at 232 for the week. I thought that was pretty good because it included Thanksgiving. I felt pretty happy to have stayed the same for that week. Now I've gained five more. It feels like it just will not stop. I don't think it's just the steroids or the chemo. It's not only that I don't exercise anymore, although that's certainly true. It's mostly that I am out of control. I don't make any effort anymore to control my eating. I eat too much at meals and too much between meals. I don't write anything down. I don't think about it at all. It's mindless, binge-eating, all too often.

People tell me not to worry about it right now. I'm supposed to think about getting rid of the cancer and staying healthy. I'm supposed to keep my nutrition up. I'm sure that's all true, but good nutrition has nothing to do with the amount of donuts and candy I have been consuming lately. Staying strong and healthy has nothing to do with sitting in a chair or a car all day while I eat over 3,000 calories. Yesterday when we did the errands, Mark went in to most of them. The only time I got out of the car was to go into Denny's for lunch and Dunkin' Donuts to pick out the dozen donuts for the last three nights of Hanukkah. This morning I ate two of those donuts for breakfast along with an Activia yogurt and six Morningstar veggie sausage links. I really didn't need those donuts!

I am feeling depressed this morning, not because I feel sick because I don't. I feel good this morning with barely any aches and pains. I'm depressed because I've been thinking about Elizabeth Edwards. She is the second person in the last few months that is succumbing to her breast cancer. A friend of mine from Goddard died recently of a recurrence of her breast cancer, and now Elizabeth Edwards has been told there is nothing more they can do for her. She is 61 years old. She did everything we all do. She had surgery, chemotherapy, and I think she also had radiation. She was cancer-free, but it makes you think, "Is anyone ever really cancer-free again?"

I'm sorry to be such a "downer" this morning to those reading this blog. Still, you all know that I can only write what is in my heart. I don't want to hold anything back because the point of this blog is not to entertain or to inform others but to keep me sane and grounded. I write it because it helps me cope with everything. It gives me the chance to focus for a few minutes each day on what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, and where I'm going. Today I don't think I'm doing enough, feeling happy, or going anywhere. I can only proceed with my cancer treatment plan and pray that five or six years from now, I do not get the same news that Celeste MacMillan and Elizabeth Edwards got. If I do, I hope I can handle it with the grace and beauty that these two wonderful women did.