Not going along for the ride

"Sometimes your mind is prepared to have a spectacular day and your body doesn't want to go for the ride. Reread your blog--remember how you felt--you'll be there again. Being in control is elusive but you know how it feels and you'll be there more times than not."

Arlene put that quote in her comment on yesterday's blog. I loved that image of my mind prepared for fun but the body not ready to go along for the ride. It sums up yesterday very well.

I drove us to the synagogue, which took about an hour. After about 40 minutes, I mentioned to Mark that I was feeling queasy to my stomach. I didn't know why and it wasn't horrible, but it was annoying. Little did I know that it was just the beginning of several terrible hours.

I parked the car, got out, spoke to friends, went into the building, greeted people, felt fine. After a few minutes of the service, we all stood up when the ark opened for the Torah service. I stood up, like everyone else, and in a minute, I realized I was going to pass out if I didn't sit down. Whooee!! I sat down, holding the chair in front of me, and sort of leaned forward trying to clear my head and trying desperately not to pass out. I waited for the Torahs to come around so I could kiss them, and then the Rabbi, (thank you, Rabbi Jonathan!!), leaned over and acknowledged that I felt bad and suggested I could go sit in the lobby. DUH! Of course, I could, but sometimes it just takes someone else to suggest it.

I went into the lobby and sat on the soft chairs by the gift shop, still feeling sick to my stomach and light-headed and "out of it." The Rabbi's wife, Mona, came by and offered me a wet cloth, which I gratefully accepted. Mark brought me a glass of water and then a glass of apple juice, in case this was a drop in blood sugar. I began to feel like it was a drop in either blood pressure or blood sugar. I rarely have either problem, so I'm not overly familiar with the symptoms. I was shaky, breaking out in a little sweat, feeling nauseous, and feeling like I might pass out.

I sat out the rest of the service, but by the time the Rabbi was doing his talk, I felt better and went in. I thought it was over.

Ha Ha!! My body had other plans.

While I was listening to the Rabbi, I saw that my friend Lois, an RN, was now in the congregation. That made me very happy because I had been looking forward to seeing if she would give me some of her professional advice regarding the bandage on the hole where the drain came out. The tape was right on the edge of the stitches from the node dissection, and Mark and I were unsure about how best or when to remove it. So when the service ended, I invited Lois to join me in the handicapped bathroom to look at the situation. She readily agreed and off we went. She was looking at my problem and giving me her professional opinion of the piss poor job the surgeon's nurse did on bandaging that up! I love how Lois does not keep her opinions to herself. I love that! Anyway while she was talking to me, I suddenly realized I was about to pass out AGAIN!! I grabbed the handicapped bar and lowered myself onto the toilet seat. Whoee!!

Lois rushed out to get Mark and to bring two more glasses of water. She propped the door open with a scale (why is there a bathroom scale in there? never knew!) and told me to call if I needed more help. Instead of calling, I broke into tears. I couldn't stop myself. I felt miserable. Everyone was out eating in the succah, the REASON I went to shul, and I'm sitting on the toilet in the handicapped bathroom, trying not to pass out, and crying. This SUCKS!!

Mark and Lois returned. I drank the two glasses of water and listened to Lois try to explain to me about fluid shifting around, retaining and releasing fluid, sodium levels, anaesthesia/pain meds effects, and dehydration. Hard to take it all in, but it seemed to make sense. I was starting to feel better again, and I was determined to go to the succah and have lunch.

So Mark helped me down the stairs and out to the succah. Lois went in front and found me a chair to take into the shady part since it was hot and sunny out. As she carried the folding chair into the succah, we both noticed that there were actually three open spots at one of the tables, so Lois, Mark, and I were heading towards the table to sit down. Lois put the chair she was carrying just inside the succah by one of the poles and started toward the table. I was behind her, luckily. I never made it past that chair. As soon as I was next to the chair, I grabbed the succah pole and collapsed into the chair, barely able to stay conscious. Whoee!! That's round three, and fortunately the last round for the day.

Once again, I was near tears, choking back sobs, feeling a bit embarrassed. A glass of Coke with ice was provided quickly, and Mark made me a bagel with cheese, which I nibbled slowly. Another glass of apple juice appeared, and little by little, I began to feel better again. I sat there talking and slowly eating for maybe half an hour or so before feeling well enough to get up and make it to the car. Mark drove us home while I reclined the seat and kept my eyes shut for the hour drive home.

Once we got back, I put my feet up, put on my iPod, listened to music with my eyes shut for about 45 minutes, and sipped hot herbal tea with honey. What a day! Not at all the day I planned. I also called my friends who were going to come over later and cancelled. I knew they would be understanding, and they were, but it was still sad to cancel. I know we'll get together again some other time.

I stayed low-key the rest of the day, napping, having a nice dinner that Mark made, watching a movie with him that we rented on iTunes, and taking a good shower. Sadly, I melted down after the shower when Mark was changing the drain bandage. Lois gave us excellent advice about that, which we followed to a "T." Sadly, for some reason, during the bandage-changing process, I just lost it again. I started yelling and crying, a mad woman out of control. Why? I have no idea. I sobbed on the bed, feeling sorry for myself, for about half an hour. Then I sulked, sitting outside on the front porch for awhile. At least that was therapeutic. I sipped another glass of water, listened to the noise of children playing in the backyard's of the houses across the street, watched the squirrels running around the yard, read AARP magazine, and generally brought myself, physically and mentally, back to a balanced point. When I went inside, I felt like myself again. Whoee!! What a day!!

Everyone is telling me that I'm doing too much, and if you are here reading this blog, you know exactly what I've been doing. Maybe they are right. On the other hand, I have a cousin who is telling me to do as much as possible and let my body tell me when to stop. My body definitely told me yesterday to stop. And I listened, eventually!

I have another fun day planned for today. We have been invited to Yoni's succah, and I really want to go. It is for "High Tea" at 3 p.m., which seems very cool. At this point in the morning, we are on target to go. It will be about a 90 minute drive, but we want to stop at a grocery store in Greenbelt on the way to Hyattsville, so we will leave around 12:30. I hope the drive doesn't make me sick again. I have learned one lesson: don't head out for a long drive having only had two cups of black coffee for the day's liquids. So far today I have only had the two cups of black coffee to drink, but I'm going to pause in my typing to go get a big glass of water...OK, I'm back with a glass of water by my side.

I think this is about it for today's blog. It's already too long. I used to write shorter ones, but these days, there seems to be more to say.

I have only one more thing to say now before I close, and it's on an entirely different, and hopefully, amusing note. This morning Mark was online, reading something about an actress from the TV series, Heroes. Somehow there was a sidebar link that caught his attention, Sexual Bucket List. OK, he's a GUY, so naturally, he is clicking that link! Turns out it was really a woman's website, something like Cafe Mom, and it was 50 Sexual Things you should have on your bucket list. We are pretty sure some of them are completely illegal and we would NEVER do, and some would constitute a breach of the marriage vows since they involved other people; HOWEVER, we have discovered that we have accomplished 28 of the 50 things. Ha ha!! Not bad for two old, married people. Ha ha!! And there are 3 things on the list that we have actually PUT on our new Sexual Bucket List!! Ha ha!! There could definitely be a trip to some remote Jamaican hide-away in our future. Ha ha!! Something to look forward to when I am cured and call myself a Breast Cancer Survivor instead of patient.