Raisin Challah and Honey Cake

We had a very easy drive up the coast yesterday and arrived in Silver Spring around 4:30 p.m. Quickly unloading the car, we then headed to Greenbelt to do a bit of shopping and pick up our friend Frank to bring back for dinner. Our friends Sara and Jeff have hosted upwards of 30 and more people for Erev Rosh Hashana dinner for decades, but this year they had only 10. It was a low-key group with loads of delicious food. Raisin challah with apples and honey are the traditional Rosh Hashana foods to symbolize a sweet new year. I guess my year will be the sweetest one YET considering how much of the challah, apples with honey, and honey cakes I consumed. There were three varieties of cakes for dessert, and of course, I sampled large quantities of all three. Good friends, good food, good times, FIVE POUNDS! My goodness, I am literally up five pounds today over two mornings ago when we left Florida. Unbelievable.

Shockingly, I hit 224 this morning. That is just unacceptable. Every day until my surgery involves a huge meal at some one's house or a restaurant meal (or two on the same day sometimes). How am I going to get under 220 before next Thursday? I am really upset about this and scared that I could go to surgery over 220. It also means that today I cannot honestly say I lost 100 pounds. It's only 98 this morning. This is how it starts, creeping slowly back. If I can't put the brakes on my eating, I'll be 300 again by the end of the year. I certainly do not want that, so there has to be an end to this out-of-control feeling. I just don't know how to find that control again. People keep telling me that I am so grounded, focused, positive, upbeat, going for a good cure of the bc. That's what they see on the outside. What I feel on the inside is a scared woman who is binge-eating to control her panic.

Meanwhile both of my friends went out early this morning for an hour's fast-paced walk. They are putting Mark and me to shame. They have each lost a significant amount of weight in the last year due to watching calories and exercise. Like I used to do! Somehow I just sat in front of the challah and kept eating, while they did what I should have done. Took small portions, ate slowly, and did more talking than eating. I was quiet and just ate and ate and ate. Now I'm mad at myself.

I have to leave in a few minutes to go to the services. This will be the first time in over 10 years that the choir will sing High Holiday services without me. Of course, they have invited me to sing with them, but I have refused. I am going to sit and watch and enjoy my musical retirement. I really think now that singing hard and preparing for the Cabaret is what broke open the hernia site. Those abdominal muscles are very important for good singing, especially operatic arias, and it was probably too soon after the surgery in November when I got very serious about daily rehearsing for the January Cabaret. I have to have it redone now, along with the breast cancer surgery, so I have no intention of breaking anything else open every again. I have to be very vigilant this time to be sure the muscles heal as strong as possible, knowing full well that they will never be as strong as they used to be. I think my days of intense singing are over for good. Kind of sad, but I don't want to undergo a third open abdominal surgery if I can avoid it.

Well, I really need to shut this down and go to shul. Time to hear the choir sing one of our best pieces, the Rossi Barkhu. It is one of the first pieces I taught them, and it is done about 9:15 a.m. Sadly, almost no one is there yet to hear them because it's so early in the long day of services, but I'll be there.