Not sure how I'm feeling about it.

I'm feeling very sure about one thing: the show at Goddard last night was great. I am so glad that I made the decision to get those tickets and head out. Despite feeling bad walking yesterday afternoon (and I guess that's a story I didn't put up here), I made it through the show ok. Mark and I both enjoyed the show very much; the food was great; and seeing our friends from MAD and Mark's former co-workers from Goddard was a highlight. I felt surrounded by caring, loving people. I went there to support them in their herculean efforts to do a big show, and yet I came away again feeling supported BY them. Wow. It was awesome.

On the other hand, we didn't get home until 12:30 in the morning, and I didn't fall asleep until going on 2 a.m. That's crazy. We have a lot of packing to do today to get Mark out of here tomorrow morning early for his flight to Florida. We didn't even get the day started until 8 a.m., which is really late for us! Now it's "catch-up" time all day, I guess.

The hair loss is what I'm not sure how I feel about this morning. It's happening; it's inevitable. My pillow was covered in hair this morning, and I'm quite sure the shower will produce another torrent of hair falling out. The mess is getting to me, and I can't touch my head without having a handful of hair in it. At 5:30 tonight we will have a huge spread of 5 appetizers, 8 different entrees, white rice and fried rice from David Chu's China Bistro kosher Chinese restaurant. If that's not enough, there is pareve peach pie, chocolate meltaway cake, and two flavors of pareve ice cream to have for dessert. Oh, my, we are all going to stuff ourselves silly with this huge dinner, but when it's over, the head-shaving will start. The hats and scarves will come out; the pictures will get taken. I will have moved to the next phase of this cancer adventure.

The loss of a breast is a personal loss that many women mourn for quite some time. I only lost a part of my breast, and it was difficult, but I'm not mopey about it. I think I handled it well. I'm not looking for any reconstruction, and I feel ok about they way I look there.

The loss of the hair on one's head is an even bigger loss for most women. I think I'm in that group. My hair has been who I have been, in some ways. It's what Mark loved about me from the first day we met. It's hard to see that go. I'm glad now that I got it cut so short. Not only is it less hair going down the drain, but it's less of my old self to watch going down the drain. I am resigned to the loss today, and in some ways it will be a relief to get it over with and move to the next stage of scarves and hats. Yet, I cannot say I'm excited or happy about it. It's another thing to add to the list of things that cancer has taken from me.

I want to focus on the positives. I want to stay focused, strong, happy. Sometimes it's easier than other times. I know that having this party today will help me get through this. How much more depressing would it be just to be alone, pulling hunks of hair out of my head and throwing them in the trash? How much sadder would I be? Unimaginably so. This way I have loving family to surround me, help me, encourage me, and even participate in it with me. Kip, you are amazing. All kudos to my brother Kip for coming over this evening to shave his head, too. I didn't ask him to do it. He called me on the phone early in the process, when we first learned I would undergo chemo and lose my hair. He called me and said he wanted to do this with me. I was so touched that I cried in the car when we hung up. Kip, you'll never know how much that phone call meant to me. Today is the day. Let's do it together. I love you, Kip.