I think I'll blame the weight gain for this week on a lot of things: Chinese food for dinner two nights in a row, too much ice cream two days in a row, eating lunch out, no exercise, steroids in my meds. It doesn't really help because there's still four pounds here now that wasn't there last Tuesday. This morning's weight is 229, just terrible. Today I'm eating lunch out again, and I'm also going to eat dinner out. It is so hard to put the brakes on my eating. My worst habits have returned in full force.
I'd like to get myself back in control over my eating because controlling that would be something I can actually control. Cancer takes a lot of control out of your life, so controlling the food should be a good thing. It doesn't seem to be working for me. I am up 10 pounds now since the surgery on Sept. 16. That's a lot of weight, and there's really no reason for it other than overeating.
In a previous blog, I said I hope to maintain my weight through the chemo process, but in my whole life I've never maintained a particular weight. I've always been gaining out of control or losing due to rigid dieting and exercise. I know how to lose; I know how to gain. Why can't I learn to maintain?
I don't want to maintain this new weight of 229. It's an unacceptable weight. Very soon none of my clothes are going to fit. Last winter I weighed 20 pounds less. I also gave away all of my "fat" clothes, so I only have things in size 1X and 22-24. Now I'm NOT that size! Mark is in Florida looking in my closet to bring back winter clothes. As he tells me on the phone what he sees, I realize I can't fit into those things. Since I've been up here, I have bought 4 pairs of sweat pants in size 2X and about 5 long-sleeved shirts in 3X. This is a step backward. I swore I would never go back to those sizes, and yet here I am.
It's too easy to blame it on the cancer, the steroids in the meds, the lack of exercise. Not all women gain weight on chemotherapy, although many do. This is really mostly my own poor relationship with food. I'm sure that I'm trying to soothe and comfort myself with the food. It's my proven stress-reliever. If I could find a truly satisfying way to comfort myself and relieve stress that did not involve eating, I could probably package it and make a fortune. Sadly, I have never found that thing.
So today's blog is a lot like some of my older posts from a year ago where I was ranting and raving about being out of control in my eating. Some things never change apparently!
Oh Becky, I know what you're going through. I've made the same promises to myself just as many times. I was just thinking, "I really want some M&M's - but if I eat 6, I'll eat 60. If I eat 60, I'll eat 600 and not even blink." Yes, this past week was a super-stressful, super emotional week, which just makes it so much harder for those of us with food issues to cope. So, you contact me when you need it and I'll give you the pep talk and I'll keep reading your blog whenever I need my own pep talk. Hugs, Farlee
ReplyDeleteHey Farlee, Thanks for the support. Stress equals emotional eating for me for sure. Do you think I'm just a little stressed in my situation? LOL Still, I can't keep adding three or four pounds A WEEK through chemo, or I'll be back where I started from before you know it. I have done a little better today, but I got Skittles at the movies this afternoon. I'm going out for pizza tonight for dinner, too. OY!
ReplyDeleteHi Reby
ReplyDeleteI found you through a comment you made on Kim's (Batty) blog. Sadly breast cancer is not a weight loss opportunity that some might guess it is. Steroids can turn one into an insatiable monster. Been there; done that. I know you might not have a lot of energy right now but walking will make you feel so much better. I know you are really afraid of gaining back the weight you struggled to lose but please don't beat yourself up. After chemo, you can attack it again.
I too have struggled with my weight and got BC just when I was making some progress to lose it. Yep I gained on chemo. I've since lost the chemo weight and more. Keep up the good fight.
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteHappy to meet another BC woman. I'm glad you commented here and this is a helpful comment. I do feel like I'm backsliding and beating myself up about it. Guess I need to step back a bit and just do the best I can. Of course, eating Skittles in the movie probably doesn't mean I'm "doing the best I can," but I'll keep at it. Anyway thanks for the enouragement.
The goal now is to get through treatment and live. Then you can do whatever you want and work on whatever. Good that you are aware of the weight. Eating pizza for dinner is not emotional eating. Eating piazza for diner and then a bag of chips, and then a bag of m&m candy and then a quart of ixce cream is. My mother was thin when she had chemo and then blew up like a baloon from the drugs and water retention. KKep weighting, keeping writing, keep eating healthy but delicious food. Watch the portions a little and skip the rice, spaghetti, bread, cake and cookies. Get well.
ReplyDeleteThanks Robin. That's good advice actually.
ReplyDeleteHi Becky,
ReplyDeleteThanks for baring it all (so to speak). Also, bearing it all. You are going through an awful lot at once - much stress. Gaining even a few pounds after all your hard work really s..ks, as does all the rest of this bad stuff!
However, it's still an inspiration that you have maintained the fortitude to keep most of it off during everything that you have gone through. You even managed a gorgeous smile in your picture.
Hope to see you soon.
Melanie
Becky,
ReplyDeleteIt's good to be mindful of your weight but it's not helpful to your healing to beat up on yourself. You're dealing with a lot right now, but I know that you are strong and will get past this. You're probably at the "what the hell difference does it make anyway" part of dealing with this shit; I know, I've been there. But there is, G-d willing, life after cancer, and you want to be able to meet that life head on. Knowing what you have to do and what you have to not do is the start.
Love always.
BTW, that was from Saul - don't know why my URL didn't come through.
ReplyDelete