Still 212

I guess I'm in a maintenance phase, and I need to get out of it. Last week I was 213, so officially I lost a pound this week. Unofficially, I just took off the pound I had gained the week before that, so I'm the same as two weeks ago, maintenance. I never expected to maintain 212, but heck, it's better than maintaining 312, which I actually did for years.

Yesterday was so gloomy and dark and rainy that I felt tired all day. I'm sure I'm not alone in that feeling. I did errands and worked for three hours on creating an internet contact list of snail mail addresses before going to a rehearsal. Hm...not a great day, but things got done. Today I have a few more errands to run, and if Evey is interested, we might go look at more wedding gowns. It's the last day that I have open to do that, so I hope we do.

Tonight is the holiday of Shavuot. At our synagogue we stay up all night studying so we can greet the dawn with a sunrise service before going home to sleep. It's quite disruptive to the system when you're not used to staying up all night. My mother spent over 20 years on nightshift work. I don't know how she did it! Traditional food for Shavuot (Hey! Jews have food for every occasion!) is dairy: blintzes, cheesecake, ice cream, bagels and cream cheese, etc. As we stay up studying, people put out potluck snacks throughout the night. We usually bring ice cream as our contribution. Last year at this time I was already on this diet, but I got through it pretty well, eating a little of all those things, but not much of anything. Maybe tonight and tomorrow will be the same. I'll try very hard to stay in control and report back later! Ha Ha!

Wonderful Two Days

I know I haven't blogged for two days, but I have been busy. Gee, I think you have all heard that excuse before, but it's TRUE!

On Friday I took Evey to Kohl's. She had a gift card and needed some shorts for the summer. We love that store! They always have such great sales and promotions that Evey got four pairs of shorts and a pair of knee-length khakis suitable for work sites. We saved more than we spent. Amazing.

Following that I had one of those special pleasures any mother of a daughter can appreciate; I took her wedding gown shopping! Yes, I did. It just doesn't get better than that. Of course, we weren't really in the market yet since they haven't set a date. The date will be over a year away, but she'll be in California, so the opportunities for shopping after June 4 are going to be few and far between. We drove over to the little local bridal shop on Main Street and just went on in. The owner was so gracious. She was swamped with people picking up prom dresses (oh, yeah, we totally forgot it was prom season!) and she had some brides with appointments coming in as well, yet she said go ahead and look and take things out of the bags, do whatever we wanted, leave a mess, whatever. They'd tidy up after us. In other words, they gave us free rein on the dresses. Wow. I want you to know we did tidy up after ourselves and hopefully put it all back as we found it.

I must say that seeing her face light up as she held up one very special gown was one of those magical motherhood moments!

We went out to lunch together and then visited a friend with a new baby. Wow, motherhood is awesome. I sat holding and feeding the one-month old baby for over an hour. It was a great feeling.

Yesterday I had a super busy day: Keter Shem Tov at Mishkan Torah, Senior French Horn recital of the son of our good friends followed by a dinner party in his honor at their home, then the Central Maryland Chorale spring concert. Mark and Evey came to my concert, so that made it extra special for me. I had not expected to sing with this group again, so that was wonderful. The song selection was very fun to do and I loved seeing my CMC friends again. It was amusing to put the size 32 dress onto my size 22 body, but since it had a sash to tie it in the back, Evey was able to cinch it in pretty far. The long sleeves were baggy and sort of clown-like, but I don't think anyone really noticed that.

This morning I was actually down two pounds, 212. I overate on Friday because of the lunch out at Red Robin. Yesterday I had to eat lunch and dinner out, but I guess I didn't do too badly. Today we are going to the Orioles game, but I always eat well there because Mark packs our own low-fat hot dogs to eat. Tonight he's taking me to Denny's for my regular tilapia dinner, but he's also letting me get a very special dessert treat because he got a free coupon for it. I will share it with Evey and Mark, so maybe it won't be too bad.

I hope everyone has a great day today. I'm in a very good mood, so I just want everyone else to have this great mood, too.

Crazy Denny's and BED

On Tuesday Mark and I had dinner at Denny's. That's not a really unusual thing, as anyone who regularly reads this blog knows, but this Denny's was in Virginia. I always order the Senior Lemon Pepper Tilapia (hold the lemon pepper sauce), salad (no dressing), garlic toast, and double green beans as the two sides. I know that our local Denny's, and many others, just steam the green beans whole. That's how I like it. Some Denny's use cut, canned beans and put a bacon-y seasoning on it that has little brown bits in it. True, the bits could be artificial bacon bits, but once in an Orlando area Denny's, the waiter said it was real bacon. So...I asked the waitress about it and told her that if they used the bacon seasoning, come back and tell me so I could order two different sides. She never came back, so after the salad, she served me the tilapia and green beans, swimming in bacon bits. I was surprised, so I pointed them out to the waitress and asked for two different sides. This was HARD because I hadn't thought about it. I quickly just said cole slaw (because Mark had it) and mashed potatoes. Oops. Mistake. They came with gravy. Yikes. I haven't ordered mashed potatoes in a restaurant in a long time, and in Virginia I guess mashed potatoes AND GRAVY is just understood even if it's not verbalized. So here's a bowl of potatoes completely covered in brown gravy. I was nearly speechless, but I told the waitress that I bet it had meat in it. She said oh no, there's no meat, it's just gravy. I'm thinking "where does gravy come from?" But I said, "Well, I'd like to believe that, but I bet if I read the package ingredients it might include some meat products, so I don't want it." She cheerfully brought be a bowl of plain mashed potatoes.

Lessons learned:
1. Always say NO SEASONING or SAUCE on the green beans if in any doubt.
2. Always say Mashed Potatoes, NO GRAVY, if it comes up.
3. Better to order corn!

I have not been feeling in control this week. That's a common thread on these posts lately. I had a couple of good days last week, but then I went to Boston for five days and lost most of my control. It hasn't come back since last week, so the weight is creeping back. I had been pleased that I had lost more than half of the 11 pounds gained on the trip, yet this morning I have put back all but three of the pounds. I'm only 3 pounds down from April 12 when we returned from the trip, so at this point, a month after returning, I have only lost 3 pounds. Not a good month.

I would like to blame it on all the stresses and changes that are happening, but that's such a wimpy cop-out. There have been plenty of stresses in the last year, but I kept on track and the weight came off. I would like to blame it on the fear of surgery being gone. That's probably part of it. I know I don't have to face the surgeon telling me dire news about dying.

What I am sure I can blame it on is BED, Binge-Eating Disorder, and not using the tools that I have. I'm no longer writing foods down, measuring things, eating at the right restaurants when I have to eat out, walking, substituting sugar-free gum and hot tea for snacks, or staying out of the kitchen when I watch TV at night. These are proven tools that will work, but I'm ignoring them. My binges are happening with more frequency.

In July Evey is starting a Master's Degree program in Applied Nutrition with an emphasis on obesity and eating disorders. For her undergrad nutrition class she wrote a paper on BED and sent it to me yesterday. It's a review of literature type research paper that reminded me of what it is and how it feels. Although I'm not going to put her entire paper here, I would like to share a few sentences from it. (If anyone wants the whole paper, complete with references, just ask. I'm sure she would be happy to send it to you.)

"Some of the criteria currently set forth in the DSM-IV-TR include feeling no control over the act of eating, eating abnormally large quantities of food, and feeling guilty or depressed afterwards (American Psychiatric Association, 2000)."

Feeling "no control" is a key for me. When I start to binge, I do recognize that I'm doing something wrong and inappropriate, yet there is no part of my brain that wants to stop it, or can stop it. It's going to happen and it's later, when I may feel sleepy from overeating, that I start to get depressed and really beat myself up mentally over it. I'm sure drug addicts, smokers, and alcoholics get the same feelings.

"While the American Psychiatric Association (APA) is working hard to define this disorder, it can prove difficult to apply definitions to very subjective feelings. In attempting to diagnose this type of disorder they must take into account how much food is considered unusually large amounts, if that feeling of loss of control was present, and when a binge becomes different from something like holiday related overindulging (Bulik, Brownley, & Shapiro, 2007)."

That last sentence is interesting to me because many people overeat at holiday times. I certainly have been known to do that, but the main difference is that it will often trigger a binge that lasts months. Many of my diets were going well until Halloween. The act of eating candy on Halloween would set up a binge that usually lasted until after New Year's Day.

So what can I do about it?

"The above studies demonstrate outcomes of a variety of professional interventions. Not all individuals suffering from BED will necessarily seek or receive professional help. Some people in this situation may attempt their own dieting to lose weight, or restrict their intake as “punishment” for their feelings of guilt or as a way to regain control. A study done by White, Masheb, and Grilo (2009) looked at how strict intake restraint and lifestyle changing habits affected weight change in patients with BED. While neither of these types of diets is directly related to the binges of BED, they do represent two common methods for dealing with food related issues. The “regimented restraint”, as the authors dub it, included very strict dieting that may forbid entire food groups, or adhere to a very specific set of guidelines for eating. This type of restraint was found to be related to psychopathologies such as body dissatisfaction as well as with unreliable weight loss and variable weight gain (White, Masheb, & Grilo, 2009). The “lifestyle restraint” method, which includes general lifestyle changes such as striving to choose lower calorie foods, was found to be connected to more favorable outcomes. These included lower reported hunger rates, lower rates of depression, and less weight gain (White, Masheb, & Grilo, 2009). In the treatment of BED as a psychological, weight-related disorder, it would be beneficial to steer toward treatments that mimic the lifestyle restraint changes."

I guess I'm on a "lifestyle restraint" plan. It's still very hard!!

Any why do I have it?

"As research continues into all aspects of BED the question remains, what causes BED? As of now there is no known cause for this disorder, though some risk factors have been researched. Separate from risk factors, one study by Hudson, et al. (2006), identified a pattern of BED within families. The authors found that about 20% of the relatives of a primary subject with BED also had a diagnosis of BED, while that percentage was less than 10% for relatives of a primary subject without BED (Hudson, et al., 2006). Additionally, relatives of those subjects with BED had a much higher rate of severe obesity as measured by BMI than the relatives of those subjects without BED. Again the question of cause is left unanswered, but this study was able to identify that BED can be traced through families, likely due to genetic and environmental input.

I can't go back and ask my parents anything now about their eating habits, and memories are not always reliable. My instincts are that both my parents had BED tendencies. I can remember them both eating out of control, buying inappropriate snacks, hiding food to eat in secret, etc. All behaviors that I see in myself.

"While BED is being recognized as a valid psychological disorder in the medical community, I find that it is not yet there in public opinion. Unlike anorexia that has almost penetrated the public as a psychological abnormality of choosing not to eat, BED looks different to the public as it appears to be overeating. Many people overeat occasionally, and most people understand excess food consumption to be a cause of obesity. While not everyone with a diagnosis of BED is obese, nor is obesity a requirement for such a diagnosis, they do seem to be related. Due to this fact, I still get the feeling that much of the public believes if these individuals “just didn’t eat so much”, they would no longer be obese. I could not find any articles that addressed quality of life for those with BED or even discrimination as it related to BED. Based on previous documented discrimination against overweight individuals, though, I feel confident that many with BED have experienced this as well. Considering that bullying and abuse are risk factors for developing the disorder in the first place, I can only imagine how continued verbal abuse and negative imagery may affect those with BED. This mindset is unproductive for individuals who are obese both with and without a diagnosis of BED. Furthermore, such public attitudes may cause those who are struggling with weight to develop shameful or guilty feelings about their eating habits and cause future problems."

There is just so much in this last paragraph that I just had to include it all. I can't add anything else to it.

This knowledge is helpful. It puts the symptoms and issues right out there in front of me. Evey did a great job on this paper and was rewarded with an A on the paper as well as the class. It also shows she is going to do well on her Master's degree. I hope she has the opportunity to do more research on BED and help many people in the future, including me.

I hope today will be a day with my "lifestyle restraints" in place!!

A Whole Week!

It's been a whole week since I posted last, so this morning I re-read last week's entry. It was on Tuesday, but for some reason I did not post my weigh-in weight. Last week I was an even 212. Sadly, this morning I am 213.4.

Last week's post was very upbeat, all about eating right and exercising, taking control, doing the right things. Hm. The very next day I started to slip out of control and stayed there the rest of the week. Considering all that I ate this week, a modest gain of 1.4 pounds isn't really too bad. I know that's rationalizing, but...

So what did I do? I went to Boston and watched my fabulous daughter graduate from Northeastern University wth a Bachelor of Science in Athletic Training, summa cum laude. It really doesn't get better than that! In addition to attending the huge NU graduation (which also included her fabulous fiance Eric, Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering, magna cum laude), we also attended the smaller, more personal graduation ceremony of the Athletic Trainers, all 12 of them. Their three professors were there giving nice speeches, a great video of their five years was shown, presentations were made, cake was eaten. It was a lovely event.

At the end of the two ceremonies, we met up with Eric and his family at an amazing restaurant called Abe and Louie's. It was expensive but extremely delicious. It was also fun meeting Eric's extended family. Fourteen of us were in this great, AAA recommended restaurant. We toasted the happy couple on their engagement and graduations; we all gave them presents. It was a beautiful day.

Saturday morning all the seniors had to be out of the dorm by 11 a.m. Evey said it would be chaos, and she was right. Fortunately she also said come Thursday afternoon for most of the stuff, and we did. That was a brilliant idea on her part. Saturday we only had one small load to put in the car. It was a very stormy day with high winds, heavy downpours, cold temperatures. Not conducive to lots of loading of cars. Everyone did what they had to do, and the dorm got emptied.

The Gaertners just took off that day to go home to NJ, but we stayed another night in Boston because that night we had tickets to the very special NU Night at the Boston Pops. What a great tradition. It was great to go inside the Symphony Hall that we had walked and driven past for the last five years. The concert featured tributes to Arthur Fiedler and John Williams, the NU Gospel Choir, and a group with a strange name that I can't remember right now. Sorry. It was a memorable night.

Sunday we drove to Eric's house for a lovely dinner at his house. Although Evey had been there many times, we had not. It was nice because now that they are engaged, we are really starting to feel like in-laws! I like it. Eric got to show us his capstone project clock that is causing lots of stir all over the internet. He also showed us his official offer from Apple Computers for his new job, Hardware Design Engineer, at the amazing salary of 87k. His parents are, justifiably so, very proud of him! He and Evey will be moving out to the Cupertino/San Francisco area of northern California sometime around June 10 or so since his start date is Monday, June 14.

Evey is now home with us for about three or four weeks before we move her stuff to Eric's house on June 4. She will stay there with them until they fly across country. That way the moving van or POD or whatever they use can get all of their stuff in one location and they can fly out together.

This is an exciting time for them and for us. Many changes are coming in their lives, all good ones really, but many changes can also bring on a lot of stress. Their changes are also some of my changes, so I'm feeling a lot of stress, too. I'm happy, but we are still waiting for a buyer. The third potential Open House in a row has been canceled by our real estate agent. This time she said it's not necessary to do one at all. So one must question WHY she kept saying she was going to do it each of those past Sundays. Sigh. Anyway, I'm feeling quite out of control with my eating right now.

Once again, all I can say is I'll try to be back on track today. I promise that tomorrow I'll let you know if I was successful.

On track yesterday

I had a really excellent day yesterday in terms of following my food plan. I got back to all the basics without a single slip-up or desire to binge. At breakfast I had four Morningstar soy sausage links (160 calories) and a sugar-free, low fat peach yogurt (80). For lunch I had a double turkey salad at Subway (190) with a bottle of water. My afternoon snack was a gala apple (80). Mark made a delicious Hungry Girl quessadilla (200) with tossed salad with cheese topping (130). After my CMC rehearsal, I had two sugar-free popsicles (30) and a banana (130) for a snack. Total calories yesterday were 1,000 exactly. I also walked the mall. I went around three full times at the fastest pace I ever took (47 minutes), then I walked another two/thirds around almost as a cool down for another 13 minutes to get to the Subway. After lunch, I strolled slowly the rest of the way back to the car and shopped for shoes and shorts for myself. I needed some summer sandals and some shorts with pockets in them. I really enjoy being able to go in and try things on in a store. I have spent so many years only buying online. Even my shoe size has shrunk! I still need a wide, but I have gone back to 8.5 from 9. Weird. Maybe that went with the shrinking from 5'4" to 5'2". LOL

Cruising

I have recently become enamored of a website called Cruise Critic. You can read reviews of ships, ports, and other people's experiences. Yesterday I wrote a review of our Panama Canal trip, and it was published this morning. If you are interested in reading it, here is the url link. If this doesn't show up as a link to click on, try to cut and paste it into a new browser. http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=66549.

I am getting no where on my diet these days. I'm barely holding my own, fluctuating up and down the same five pounds. I guess this is a plateau, or maybe it's the way maintenance goes. I never planned to maintain a weight of between 210 and 215, but that's been the case for months and months. Today I was 214, but then yesterday I had hot dogs at the ball park, high sodium. I also ate around 2,000 calories again without any walking, so that sounds like maintenance. Hm...

I really planned to get to 175 before trying to maintain, but over a year ago, I remember thinking that I could never get under 200. As the weight was falling away, I really began to think it was possible to go under 200, and maybe it IS, but not unless I get back to the regular walking and the 1200 daily calories. Every day is a new day, so maybe today I'll do just that.

Green Thumb? Heck NO!

I have never had any luck with plants or gardening. I don't really like it, so I have never learned anything about it. My lack of knowledge really shows now. I just realized this morning (too little too late) that I planted the pink impatiens in the front yard in full sun and the yellow marigolds in the back in the full shade. DOH. If I had just done it the other way around, both plants would be happy. Now they'll probably both die. If I had just read the little stickers that came on the plants BEFORE I planted them instead of today while I was watering them, I could have told the gardener to plant them in the right place. If I had done the internet research that I did today BEFORE I planted or even bought the plants, things would have been better. If the contractor who did the landscaping was more knowledgeable about plants himself, he might have told me to put them in the opposite locations. If the lady at Home Depot who was selling me the plants had thought to ask about where I was going to put them, she might have given me a little more knowledge. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. No point in whining now; the damage is done. I just hope these plants survive through tomorrow's Open House!