Say "YES" to Chemo!

Seriously, is there any other choice?

I have had a really hard time writing this entry tonight. I have started it over and over several times. I'm not sure how to say all of this or exactly how I feel about it. Intellectually, I think I'm OK with all of it now, but then I start to block on what to write. I don't know why that is. Usually I just type what I'm thinking, but I don't think I want to think about this.

Let me start again.

I met with Dr. Griffiths, my medical oncologist, at 2:30 this afternoon. No one can ever accuse her of not giving enough of her time. She was with us for over TWO hours. I was pretty impressed.

I have been home for hours, and I've cried only a little bit. Lowell came over for dinner and TV tonight. I sat there holding his hand tightly and crying. My sister rubbed my arm gently. I am sad, but they are here for me. It's ok. I guess I knew this was coming today. I felt pretty depressed most of yesterday and quite nervous going in there today. Somehow, I felt calmer coming out. At least the waiting is over. The plan is set in motion. I don't want to do this, but here it comes anyway.

One interesting thing is that new clinical trials have shown that condensing the timing on the chemo gives better results. Traditionally, chemo was given in three week cycles, but mine will be given in two week cycles. A two hour IV one day, an injection the next day, then repeat two weeks later for eight cycles over sixteen weeks. The first four cycles will be two drugs together, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. The last four cycles will be a different drug, Taxol. The injection the day after the IV will be a drug called Neulasta to help the bone marrow make more white blood cells. All of these drugs bring lots of side effects. I came out of there with three prescriptions for various anti-nausea meds. What does that tell you!

I also learned that the grading of my cancer was a 2. For some reason, I thought Dr. Dziuba said it was a 1. A 1 means that the cancer cells, under a microscope, are the least aggressive, slow growing kind. A 3 is the most aggressive and nasty. Mine are a 2, something in the middle. I'm a Stage IIA, T-2, N-1 cancer.

I have to do four things before the chemo starts: get a port installed in my right chest, get a flu shot, get an echocardiogram, and have blood work drawn. If I can't get the last three done before the chemo starts, the cancer center will do them all when I come in that first time next week. The main thing is to get to the surgeon for the port. It's an outpatient procedure but under light anaesthesia, like that used for a colonoscopy. Dr. Griffiths, herself, called the surgeon's office to try to fast track the port surgery for Monday or Tuesday. She really wants me in on Wednesday or Thursday for the first chemo cycle. I will hear back by mid-morning tomorrow about when the port installation will take place. Once that's done the echocardiogram will be scheduled around it, if possible.

I will lose my hair. That's a biggy. I'm going to go to the hair salon on Monday and have it cut very short. I think it's long enough now that I can donate it to Locks of Love. The hair will all fall out three weeks after the first dose of chemo, so the plan will be to have that first cycle next week with really short hair and then go get my head shaved a week or two later. There WILL be pictures posted on the blog of this! I don't expect to look very good as a bald lady, but I want this process documented. I also plan to have Mark take pictures of me in the chemo chair getting my first IV drip. No matter what, I want this documented in pictures. I don't think that's wrong.

There is one bright light shining at the end of all of this. Dr. Griffiths said that by starting next week, we will be finished at the end of January. I can then go to Florida for a consultation with a radiologist down there and have the set-up appointment with them. Then, and this is the best news yet, we can still go on our three week cruise from February 14 to March 5!! YAY!!! I don't have to do the radiation until we get back from the cruise. This is the ONLY good thing that is happening right now. At least I have this cruise to look forward to. I'll be bald with one mutilated breast, but BY GOD, I'll be cruising in the Caribbean!!

Thinking about Breast Cancer this gloomy, rainy morning

Last night I spent a lot of time reading other women's stories online. I googled breast cancer stories, and it's amazing what you can find. Many women have written much more eloquently than I have about their experiences. One woman in particular used an amazing image. I am not going to publish her entire post, but I did copy and paste the first two paragraphs which you'll find in this blog. It really captures the way I have felt lately. My appointment with the medical oncologist is at 2 p.m. this afternoon. When I get home, I'll blog again about the outcome. In the meantime, here is an excerpt from a brave woman's cancer story.

"And now I am trapped like an animal in the wild--once free to roam as if life would last forever! Unexpectedly, I have fallen into the trap, down down deep I fell, the ground resounding with my impact, my foot now caught and bloody from the heavy saw-toothed iron now clamped around it, while a boa constrictor slithers around my neck loosely now, threatening to constrict and stop my life forever whenever he chooses. Can I ever escape the trap? Will this experience ever be only a miserable memory of the past?

For now I must be content to live within the trap--I must make friends with the snake and be grateful that my life has been spared so far. For now I am indeed trapped in this prison within myself-alone to experience the horrow and despair, yet not alone to think of how I am loved, of that I am sure. I have given much, I remember now, and my heart is proud and full with the knowledge that I will not endure this experience alone because of who I am, how I have loved others, and how I am loved in return. Still I can never forget that, even when I leave the trap for good, the snake comes with me and can threaten me with his long teeth, or bite me, or squeeze the life out of me slowly any time he decides to. How can I make friends with such a monster-- but I must--we are now and will always be together."

More fun before more news.

Yesterday was great. I never had one minute when I didn't feel perfectly healthy. I think I've turned a corner in the surgical recovery period, so I expect another great day today.

I have been doing all of my arm exercises, including the wall crawling, and it's going well. Since I'm left handed, this is my dominant arm, and I do want it to get full functionality again. I don't like the way my arm feels, but I'm doing the best I can to increase the mobility of it no matter what it feels like. It hurts, tingles, and feels numb and weak. I just ignore it as much as possible and do what I want with the arm, up to the point where I'm sure it would be unhealthy to push it farther. Last night I did some more reading on the axillary node dissection and arm problems. What I have is very, very common for women who have had 15 nodes removed. Many nerves are cut during the surgery. What I learned is that the numbness and tingling could last six months or more. That was a little unexpected.

I also got news from my good friend Barbara, a pharmacist. Her sister, also a pharmacist, had breast cancer. So, of course, they are sharing my news and giving me good advice. They were the first to throw this nugget of information into the ring: lobular cancer does not respond well to chemotherapy. HUH? I hadn't heard that before. Mark did a little research and found one study from 2006 that did find that to be true. This will certainly be a question for the medical oncologist tomorrow. What is the chance of a complete cure or non-recurrence if this is true? I'll let you know what the doctor says about it.

I read way too much last night on the side effects of chemotherapy, since I'm trying to come to grips with the real possibility that there will be chemo. Everything I read corroborates Dr. Dziuba's comment that if even one node has cancer, there will be chemo. The side effects of hair loss, fatigue, and nausea are well-known, but HOLY COW, there are lots of others: mouth and throat sores, metallic taste, loss of fingernails, heart complications, low white cell count, risk of serious infections, feeling like there is a bladder infection, numbness and tingling in the extremities, infertility, and much more. Fortunately most women do not get all of these side effects and doctors watch closely for them to alleviate them as much as possible, but no one knows which ones they will get until they are involved in it. Different drug "cocktails" cause different ones, as well, so until I know the specific drugs that I might be given, there isn't much point in thinking anymore about it.

Today I have a friend visiting for about an hour this morning, then Mark and I will head to the kosher Subway in Pikesville. He's still trying to find a kosher lunch that will allow him to eat in a succah. Since Pita Plus was closed, we didn't get to eat in a succah yesterday, but we know for sure the kosher Subway will be there and does have a succah.

I also never got to have that pedicure yesterday. We just ran out of time, so that's on the agenda for later today. Just because I'm not supposed to have professional manicures anymore (to minimize the risk of developing lymphedema), doesn't mean I can't get my pedicures! Mark will also go to the gym and buy some comics, and then he still has to do the week's grocery shopping. I expect today will be another great day!

I hope everyone who reads this blog also has a great day.

Tuesday weight and the day's plans

Well, no good deed goes unpunished, or something like that. I guess it wasn't really a good deed to get some disturbing news (possible chemo) then go on an eating and drinking spree. On the other hand, it's so typical for me to turn to food first as a comfort source. Honestly, if Mark hadn't been with me, the amount of junk food consumed followed by the amount of dinner calories, liquor, and bedtime snacks would have been a LOT higher. A very large toffee mocha latte, Rice Krispie Treat, and 4 glasses of very sweet wine isn't a bad tally for me. I also had a good, nutritious Hungry Girl dinner that Mark prepared, then later some prunes, a banana, and a bag of blueberry-flavored rice cakes as a snack. Yeah, things could have been much worse.

Having said that, my weight this morning is 221.5. A pound up from the last few days, but all things considered, not mad. Now I have the opportunity to start another week and try to do my best again. Maybe I'll finally be up to getting back to walking.

Of course, many of you still think I'm doing too much, and maybe I am. Obviously, if I overdo it, my body is going to tell me. I found that out at the synagogue on Saturday.

I have to make one correction to yesterday's blog. I said six weeks of radiation, 36 treatments. LOL Obviously, my ability to do math was compromised last night! 5 days a week, 36 treatments is SEVEN weeks plus one day. Since they don't do it on any big holidays, it could run into 8 weeks, I guess, depending on when it happens. Sigh....more time.

Today should be fun, but I'm almost afraid to list everything we're going to do lest people tell me not to do it or I jinx it somehow so I get sick and can't do it. Hm...a hint of superstition here? Oh, hell, I've never been a really superstitious person. I usually do not forward chain emails that say send this to 10 friends right away or something bad (or good) will happen to you, unless the content is just too good to pass up! So, sure, I'm going to list our agenda for today. Hold on to your hats:
1. Drive an hour to College Park,
2. Stroll around IKEA looking at sleep sofas, chests of drawers and armoires, storage units for media, and dining room tables and chairs to get ideas for the future,
3. Eat lunch at Pita Plus in College Park for some nice kosher food,
4. Drive a half hour up to Laurel and get a pedicure, no manicure, go to the bank and deposit some checks,
5. Drive 20 minutes up to Arundel Mills Mall, go see the new Disney movie You, Again, hopefully for the 2:40 show so we can get the discounted price, walk at least once around the mall, shop at a few stores for this and that
6. Drive 45 minutes back up to Cindy's house, exhausted, but in time for Mark to go grocery shopping, then make dinner. He might actually put the shopping off to tomorrow, but that's his choice later today.

Are you exhausted reading it? Are you mad at me for attempting it? Are you screaming at your computer saying, "NO, BECK, Don't GO!!!"? Oh, please, you know I can't hear that. I'll read your comments tonight, either happy that the day went well or sick and mad at myself that I didn't listen to your advice. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Watch this space...Here's the BIG NEWS NOW!!

Later today I have my first appointment with the radiation oncologist. Mark will drop me off and head to his four month follow up appointment with his cardiologist following his takotsubo episode back on January 30. In May, he was told he had fully recovered, following a nuclear stress test. He was told to go about his normal life and come back in four months, so that's today.

I will continue on this same post tonight when I can report the news from my radiologist and Mark's cardiologist. Watch this space for more news tonight.

OK, I'M BACK FROM THE RADIATION ONCOLOGIST. HERE'S ALL THE SCOOP!!

First of all, Dr. Dziuba is GREAT! I really think very highly of him. Also, the St. Agnes Cancer Care Center is very beautiful and very friendly. They tried very hard to make me feel comfortable.

So...here's what I learned.

All of the pathology is back so now we know everything.

1. They got a clean margin and the papillary tumor is no concern because it was right at the edge. The cauterization of the wound zapped it. It really is a non-issue.

2. One node definitely has cancer. 1 out of 15 nodes.

3. The tumor was Positive for Estrogen, Positive for Progesterone, and Negative for HER2. Those are all good things.

4. I am stage IIA, T-1. IIA means the tumor is less than 2 cm and the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes. T-1 means there was a tumor and it waas small. All in all, that's not bad either. Five year survival rates for this staging is 86%. Pretty good odds, I guess.

Dr. Dziuba, the radiation oncologist, said that I will have 36 daily radiation treatments. Numbers 1-28 will be directed at the entire breast and numbers 29-36 will be targeted only at the site of the surgery. These radiation treatments will begin in about two weeks UNLESS I do chemo.

Now about the chemo: I'm still in a daze and depressed about this. Of course, until I speak with Dr. Griffiths, the medical oncologist on Thursday, chemo is still somewhat up in the air, BUT it's getting closer and closer. Dr. Dziuba said that typically if there is even one node with cancer, there is chemo. Dr. Griffiths had said the same thing at our original multi-disciplinary team meeting back on August 19. So, it's in one node. According to the book, said Dr. Dziuba, I will have chemo.

How much? Four to eight months! YIKES. It could be on a 2 week cycle, which would go four months, but it could be on a longer cycle and spread out over up to 8 months. Dr. Griffiths will discuss this with me on Thursday, and I'll let you know.

Once the chemo and radiation is over, there will be years of oral meds to take because of the positive hormone status.

So, to sum it up, the order is this:
Two more weeks of surgical recovery
Four to eight months of IV chemo
One month to recover
Six weeks of daily radiation
One month to recover
Two to five years of oral meds

That's what Dr. Dziuba said, and I sat there in a daze, a fog, a sad and depressed state.

Of course, if I go for chemo, and at this point it seems likely that I will, I will never see Dr. Dziuba again. So sad. I like him. I will need to find new doctors in Florida and move on to a new facility and new caregivers in mid-treatment. I'm not happy about that, but I see no other options. I really don't want to stay here for the whole thing. It's just too long. Without chemo, I would have been heading home by Thanksgiving, but with chemo the whole course of treatment is a minimum of 8 months and a maximum of 12 months, not counting the years of oral meds. That's just too long to stay here.

Of course, the chemo thing is not 100% yet, but it sure looks more likely.

Since we accidentally double-booked today, Mark had to go to his cardiology appointment. He got a clean bill of health, was told to buy a blood pressure monitor for up here (we have one in FL) to track it, and to come back in four months. Still, it meant that when I finished my appointment today at 2:20, I had to sit by myself until 4 p.m. until Mark could get back to me. That was a L-O-N-G time alone in the waiting room with my thoughts. My thoughts were sad, depressed, lonely, and mad. I texted the kids. Evey and I had several back and forth texts, which was fun because it kept my mind occupied. I had my Kindle, magazines, and pamphlets to read, but I couldn't focus on them.

When Mark finally came to get me, I decided I needed a Starbucks latte, so off we went. I ordered a grande, but they accidentally gave me a Venti. Oh, well...I drank a toffee mocha venti latte, NOT sugar free, NOT fat free, AND a Marshmallow Krispie treat. OY! Drowning my sorrows in sugar. I also ran into one of my former co-workers, so Alicia was the first to learn all my news. It was really GREAT running into her at the Starbucks.

Then we shopped at the Giant and the liquor store. We got many kinds of wine and beer. I will be drinking some moscato wine with dinner as well as later tonight. I might very well get buzzed. I don't think there is anybody out there who will begrudge me a little self-pity and wine.

I had a nice long conversation with my sister Flyn, on the cell phone in the car driving home, which will be totally illegal in MD as of Friday. That was fun. She was very sympathetic, which was nice. She agreed that I have every right to be mad. Evey reminded me that I'll be cured, so did Flyn. I know. I truly believe that I will be cured. I know it, but I am still really pissed off and dreading how awful it's going to be for the next six to twelve months getting there.

So that's the news until Thursday. Not as good as it could have been, but it's not a death sentence. It's just another big bump in the road.

Not going along for the ride

"Sometimes your mind is prepared to have a spectacular day and your body doesn't want to go for the ride. Reread your blog--remember how you felt--you'll be there again. Being in control is elusive but you know how it feels and you'll be there more times than not."

Arlene put that quote in her comment on yesterday's blog. I loved that image of my mind prepared for fun but the body not ready to go along for the ride. It sums up yesterday very well.

I drove us to the synagogue, which took about an hour. After about 40 minutes, I mentioned to Mark that I was feeling queasy to my stomach. I didn't know why and it wasn't horrible, but it was annoying. Little did I know that it was just the beginning of several terrible hours.

I parked the car, got out, spoke to friends, went into the building, greeted people, felt fine. After a few minutes of the service, we all stood up when the ark opened for the Torah service. I stood up, like everyone else, and in a minute, I realized I was going to pass out if I didn't sit down. Whooee!! I sat down, holding the chair in front of me, and sort of leaned forward trying to clear my head and trying desperately not to pass out. I waited for the Torahs to come around so I could kiss them, and then the Rabbi, (thank you, Rabbi Jonathan!!), leaned over and acknowledged that I felt bad and suggested I could go sit in the lobby. DUH! Of course, I could, but sometimes it just takes someone else to suggest it.

I went into the lobby and sat on the soft chairs by the gift shop, still feeling sick to my stomach and light-headed and "out of it." The Rabbi's wife, Mona, came by and offered me a wet cloth, which I gratefully accepted. Mark brought me a glass of water and then a glass of apple juice, in case this was a drop in blood sugar. I began to feel like it was a drop in either blood pressure or blood sugar. I rarely have either problem, so I'm not overly familiar with the symptoms. I was shaky, breaking out in a little sweat, feeling nauseous, and feeling like I might pass out.

I sat out the rest of the service, but by the time the Rabbi was doing his talk, I felt better and went in. I thought it was over.

Ha Ha!! My body had other plans.

While I was listening to the Rabbi, I saw that my friend Lois, an RN, was now in the congregation. That made me very happy because I had been looking forward to seeing if she would give me some of her professional advice regarding the bandage on the hole where the drain came out. The tape was right on the edge of the stitches from the node dissection, and Mark and I were unsure about how best or when to remove it. So when the service ended, I invited Lois to join me in the handicapped bathroom to look at the situation. She readily agreed and off we went. She was looking at my problem and giving me her professional opinion of the piss poor job the surgeon's nurse did on bandaging that up! I love how Lois does not keep her opinions to herself. I love that! Anyway while she was talking to me, I suddenly realized I was about to pass out AGAIN!! I grabbed the handicapped bar and lowered myself onto the toilet seat. Whoee!!

Lois rushed out to get Mark and to bring two more glasses of water. She propped the door open with a scale (why is there a bathroom scale in there? never knew!) and told me to call if I needed more help. Instead of calling, I broke into tears. I couldn't stop myself. I felt miserable. Everyone was out eating in the succah, the REASON I went to shul, and I'm sitting on the toilet in the handicapped bathroom, trying not to pass out, and crying. This SUCKS!!

Mark and Lois returned. I drank the two glasses of water and listened to Lois try to explain to me about fluid shifting around, retaining and releasing fluid, sodium levels, anaesthesia/pain meds effects, and dehydration. Hard to take it all in, but it seemed to make sense. I was starting to feel better again, and I was determined to go to the succah and have lunch.

So Mark helped me down the stairs and out to the succah. Lois went in front and found me a chair to take into the shady part since it was hot and sunny out. As she carried the folding chair into the succah, we both noticed that there were actually three open spots at one of the tables, so Lois, Mark, and I were heading towards the table to sit down. Lois put the chair she was carrying just inside the succah by one of the poles and started toward the table. I was behind her, luckily. I never made it past that chair. As soon as I was next to the chair, I grabbed the succah pole and collapsed into the chair, barely able to stay conscious. Whoee!! That's round three, and fortunately the last round for the day.

Once again, I was near tears, choking back sobs, feeling a bit embarrassed. A glass of Coke with ice was provided quickly, and Mark made me a bagel with cheese, which I nibbled slowly. Another glass of apple juice appeared, and little by little, I began to feel better again. I sat there talking and slowly eating for maybe half an hour or so before feeling well enough to get up and make it to the car. Mark drove us home while I reclined the seat and kept my eyes shut for the hour drive home.

Once we got back, I put my feet up, put on my iPod, listened to music with my eyes shut for about 45 minutes, and sipped hot herbal tea with honey. What a day! Not at all the day I planned. I also called my friends who were going to come over later and cancelled. I knew they would be understanding, and they were, but it was still sad to cancel. I know we'll get together again some other time.

I stayed low-key the rest of the day, napping, having a nice dinner that Mark made, watching a movie with him that we rented on iTunes, and taking a good shower. Sadly, I melted down after the shower when Mark was changing the drain bandage. Lois gave us excellent advice about that, which we followed to a "T." Sadly, for some reason, during the bandage-changing process, I just lost it again. I started yelling and crying, a mad woman out of control. Why? I have no idea. I sobbed on the bed, feeling sorry for myself, for about half an hour. Then I sulked, sitting outside on the front porch for awhile. At least that was therapeutic. I sipped another glass of water, listened to the noise of children playing in the backyard's of the houses across the street, watched the squirrels running around the yard, read AARP magazine, and generally brought myself, physically and mentally, back to a balanced point. When I went inside, I felt like myself again. Whoee!! What a day!!

Everyone is telling me that I'm doing too much, and if you are here reading this blog, you know exactly what I've been doing. Maybe they are right. On the other hand, I have a cousin who is telling me to do as much as possible and let my body tell me when to stop. My body definitely told me yesterday to stop. And I listened, eventually!

I have another fun day planned for today. We have been invited to Yoni's succah, and I really want to go. It is for "High Tea" at 3 p.m., which seems very cool. At this point in the morning, we are on target to go. It will be about a 90 minute drive, but we want to stop at a grocery store in Greenbelt on the way to Hyattsville, so we will leave around 12:30. I hope the drive doesn't make me sick again. I have learned one lesson: don't head out for a long drive having only had two cups of black coffee for the day's liquids. So far today I have only had the two cups of black coffee to drink, but I'm going to pause in my typing to go get a big glass of water...OK, I'm back with a glass of water by my side.

I think this is about it for today's blog. It's already too long. I used to write shorter ones, but these days, there seems to be more to say.

I have only one more thing to say now before I close, and it's on an entirely different, and hopefully, amusing note. This morning Mark was online, reading something about an actress from the TV series, Heroes. Somehow there was a sidebar link that caught his attention, Sexual Bucket List. OK, he's a GUY, so naturally, he is clicking that link! Turns out it was really a woman's website, something like Cafe Mom, and it was 50 Sexual Things you should have on your bucket list. We are pretty sure some of them are completely illegal and we would NEVER do, and some would constitute a breach of the marriage vows since they involved other people; HOWEVER, we have discovered that we have accomplished 28 of the 50 things. Ha ha!! Not bad for two old, married people. Ha ha!! And there are 3 things on the list that we have actually PUT on our new Sexual Bucket List!! Ha ha!! There could definitely be a trip to some remote Jamaican hide-away in our future. Ha ha!! Something to look forward to when I am cured and call myself a Breast Cancer Survivor instead of patient.

Shabbat Shalom

My sister Cindy took off work yesterday to go on a biking weekend trip, so she had a slow morning waiting for her friend to arrive for the trip. We had a long, lazy morning of coffee and conversation, hashing over old times. Very sweet time. I hope she had a great ride yesterday and for the rest of the weekend. Thanks, Cindy. It was good, quality, sister time.

My friend Carol arrived in time to meet Cindy. We shared a cup of tea and swapped breast cancer stories. She took me out to lunch at a local restaurant called Miss Shirley's. Mark and I had been driving by it frequently, so it was finally nice to get there. Carol bought my lunch! That was an unexpected treat. Thanks, Carol. It was a lovely way to spend time with a longtime friend.

Mark came home from Yom Tov services and the gym around 3:30, but I was just about to take a nap. He had a good time at shul and pool, even though I didn't get to participate. I woke up from my nap when Lowell called. I love it when he calls! He wanted to know if he could come over, watch some DVDs together, maybe have dinner. OF COURSE!! I LOVE that we are living only a short 10 or 15 minute drive to his house. He had late-night club plans, but he was offering to spend time with his old mom and dad until then. How glorious! I have to say that watching Mark stand over Lowell at the dinner table to offer him the traditional Friday night blessing from a father to a son brought a little tear to my eye. Hearing him sing the kiddush and the birkhat after meals along with us was just a delight. Sharing laughs over the TV shows we watched as we sat side by side in the living room was a great evening for me. Thanks, Lowell for coming by to spend time with us.

These days of living in my sister's house, seeing my son frequently for dinner and TV, hanging out with friends, these days are priceless. These days remind me what family is all about. So often, family becomes massive, even obligatory, gatherings around major holidays just once or twice a year. Certainly, when I was a younger adult with little kids, that's how it was for me with my father. He lived far away, so we would make a pilgrimage once every summer and then again at Thanksgiving. When Mark's mother lived in NY, we went once a year in the summer to visit. Sometimes we might bring her to our house for a week or two. Eventually she had four years when she lived just a 10 minute drive from our house. Mark took her out shopping twice a week, and we could bring her over to our house for dinner and every holiday very easily. Those were good years.

I know there are lots of you reading this blog who keep your family close. You live in the same town or nearby towns with your entire extended family. You get together for every family birthday and every holiday, religious or national. I admire you and envy you. Mark and I have made the decision to move far away from all of our family, both immediate and extended, and our long-time friends. We had our reasons and for the most part those reasons are very valid. We love the house and our new neighborhood; however, in the very difficult and years-long struggle to make that decision, leaving family and friends was always on the list of reasons NOT to move to Florida. In my ideal world, I would have a fabulous house with Lowell living in the house on the right and Evey in the house on the left! I'm pretty sure that is not a vision in THEIR ideal world, but a mother can dream! That is just a dream, pleasant, but not real.

Still, despite the reasons why I'm living in my sister's house just 10 minutes from Lowell, I must admit there is a certain coziness here. I loved the impromptu get-together last night with Lowell. It won't last, but I'll cherish it dearly while I have it. Love you lots, Lowell!!

There is some more good news this morning. I am UNDER 221 today. Wow! Getting back to eating in-house more often, staying in control, eating high fiber, and drinking plenty of fluids WORKS. I feel like I might finally start losing actual weight again. I'm feeling healthier and stronger, ready to walk more, ready to do the work of losing weight instead of eating out and worrying about cancer all the time. I'm even feeling ready to do IV chemo should the medical oncologist give me that news on Thursday. I'm ready for anything that is necessary to beat the beast.

Today we are leaving soon for the synagogue for Shabbat services. It will be lovely because there's going to be a big kiddush luncheon in the succah, sponsored by the Rabbi and his wife Mona, also good friends of ours. Mark and I will get a chance to eat a meal in a succah and a chance to spend quality time with friends, friends who really are just like family.

This evening we are going to have some more visitors from our circle of friends outside of the synagogue. Shari and her boyfriend Steve are coming to visit. She lives nearby here as well, so it will be an easy drive for her to come visit us. It's delightful to know that she cares enough to want to come over and visit.

At this point, I truly believe that there will be a time when we have made a lot of new friends in Florida, so there will be plenty of evenings when friends come to our house for a meal and conversation. Mark has some family living in Florida, hours away, but still that give us a chance to reconnect with some of them once we are there permanently. There are even many Mishkan Torah friends who have moved to Florida whom we can reconnect with once again. We are hoping that our family and friends from here will be visiting frequently, staying in the "Mickey Guest Room," and going to Disney World with us. We really do want that A LOT!! We have extended that invitation to everyone, and it is a SINCERE invitation. Mark and I have always enjoyed hosting people in our house, even overnight guests. We can't wait to share this new house and new neighborhood with you as well.

Shabbat Shalom to all of our family and friends. I hope you have a warm, cozy day today no matter where you are. Love and peace to everyone.

An easy day

I'm going to have an easy day today, but a weird one in one way. Mark left me this morning.

Did that make you sit up and take notice? Did you say, "WHAT?? Did I read that right?"

Well, it would be fun to make up a story now about how for years we haven't gotten along, and now that he finally left, I can relax, and it will be an easy day. Ha ha ha ha!! If you know the two of us, you already KNOW that's not true!!

The truth is he went to shul this morning, and I didn't. So, yes, he left me this morning. And when we were hugging and saying good-bye, I realized that this is probably the first time since March, when we took off on our big vacation, that we have been apart for this many hours in one day. Wow! Do you think we can survive? Yes, I think we will, but I must admit it was weird to say good-bye and think that I won't see him again until around 3:30 or so this afternoon.

On the other hand, I'm going to have a friend arrive about 11:30 this morning to have conversation and lunch. It's not like I'm going to sit here being miserable all by myself all day. I think it will be a nice, easy day.

More good news this morning: I have lost almost all the weight from the surgery. Of course, it's just water weight from fluid retention and the fluids they pump into you during the surgery. Still it's annoying. I had hit 232 on that horrible day when my ankles looked like they had swallowed softballs. I was 221 when I walked out last Thursday to go to the hospital. This morning I was 221.4. I am very thankful for that. I'm back on track. I'm not feeling binge-y and out of control. Maybe that's also related to feeling more in control of my body. The surgery is over and some worry about the pathology is over. It's so much easier to stay in control and to feel in control when you actually ARE in control! I am now in control of my healing, my weight loss, my lymphedema risk, my future. I feel good about all of that. It's going to be a nice, easy day.

Known/Unknown...Good News/Bad News

I had a wonderful morning at the synagogue for the first day of Succoth services. It was delightful seeing everyone and receiving hugs and warm wishes. I got an aliyah, a refuah shlayma blessing, and benched gomel for surviving the surgery. All Good News.

Mark and I were then invited back to Annie's house with Wendy. We played one game of Mah Jongg, which Annie won, while Marc (that's Annie's Marc, not MY Mark) made us a fabulous lunch of salmon salad, tossed salad, and tabouli. More Good (and delicious) News.

All too soon it was time to drive up to the surgeon's office for the follow-up appointment. I was nervous about it. Well, we know a little more but not everything. We still have a lot of unknowns. We have some potentially good news, and we have some potentially bad news. But mostly, I think it's pretty good.

Good News: The hernia is healing up well. Even though it was smaller than the original one, it apparently had some very icky (read DEAD) material in there that he cleaned out completely. He said it was really good to get that done because it would have been a bigger problem soon. He also seemed surprised that it had never caused me any pain.

Good News: The doctor removed all the bandages. The surgical sites look pretty good to me.

Good News: He took out the drain!! YAY! Mark is thrilled that he no longer has to clean it out twice a day. I'm thrilled not to have it pinned to my clothes or taped to my hip.

Good News: It didn't HURT to have the drain removed, even though they warned me it might.

Good News: He got a CLEAN MARGIN!! YAY!! No more cutting. I'm ECSTATIC.

Bad News: He got a clean margin, BUT they found a small papillary tumor. The doctor is not worried about it. HM...Hopefully the radiation will kill it. I looked this up, and a papillary tumor is a cancer but a slow-growing one. I guess since it's small, in the area that will have radiation, and slow-growing, they decided not to go back and cut some more.

Bad News: One lymph node, of the 15 removed, has cancer in it, maybe. The report is preliminary, and they are still checking. It might yet come back no node or more than one node is involved. Hm...basically they don't know anything for sure yet about the nodes.

Bad News: No other tests are back yet. I still don't know staging, aggression, hormone receptors, etc.

Bad News: If I don't do all my exercises, I could get a "frozen shoulder" from scar tissue in the lymph node area.

Good News: He gave me exercises to prevent the "frozen shoulder." I have to crawl up the wall. Ha Ha! Sounds like fun. I have to start that on Monday.

Good News: The surgeon doesn't need to see me again for six months for a final follow-up. OK, I can do that. It will be around Lowell's birthday in March, so we'll come up for a check-up and take Lowell out to dinner for his birthday. Fun.

Bad News: If I need chemo, he'll see me in a week to install a port on my right side under light sedation.

Good News: I'm allowed to DRIVE the CAR!! YAY!! I drove all the way home from the doctor.

Good News: There was a present waiting for me at home. Someone sent me a fabulous package of teas and decaf coffee.

Bad News: The wonderful person who sent me the package did not include a card or anything to identify him/herself. Who are you? Please do not remain anonymous! I want to send you a thank you card.

I still feel like I really don't know enough yet, but it felt good to have the drain gone and to learn that they got a clean margin. Clean margin if you don't count that little, tiny cancerous papillary tumor. DARN IT! Why is it never completely good news for me?

Monday I will see the radiation oncologist, but we noticed today that it is at the same time as Mark's cardiology follow-up. DOH! So he has to drop me off at the radiologist at 1 p.m. for my official appointment time of 1:30 in Catonsville and then go to his cardiologist in Columbia for a 2:30 appointment. I am scheduled for a two hour appointment with the radiologist, so it's just sort of awkward timing. Oh, well...if I get done before he gets back, I have lots of books, and I'm sure they have a lovely waiting room.

Next Thursday I will see the medical oncologist. The surgeon has assured me that the rest of the pathology report should be in her hands by then. She will then discuss with me my further treatment options. You know that I'll keep you posted.

Shul and Surgeon....hm...

Doesn't have quite the ring to it that "shul and pool" does!

Today is the first day of Succoth. Last night, Mark made a delicious spaghetti dinner for all of us. We lit candles, did kiddush, ate...all indoors. What is wrong with that picture? NO SUCCAH. This is the first year in literally over three DECADES that Mark did not build a succah. A really ironic thing is that the walls and the roof of our succah are actually out in my sister's garage. The hardware to put the succah together and the lights are in the garage in Florida. The poles for the framework, somehow, didn't get moved. We speculate the landscapers thought they were trash and threw them out back in April in a yard clean-up.

Mark and I will be going to shul pretty soon. It's my first trip out in a car since last Friday when I came home from the hospital. I'm pretty excited about that. After shul, we have the appointment with the surgeon. I'm excited about that, also, but there's a certain amount of apprehension as well. I'm excited to get all the bandages off and maybe get the drain taken out, but I'm nervous about what the pathology report will say. The appointment is at 3 p.m., so I will post a blog about it later tonight. Stay tuned.

Trifecta? Triple Play?

Pain. Nausea. Constipation. These are the three complications I was told to expect when I went home to recover.

Pain, from the surgical sites
Nausea, from the anaesthesia
Constipation, from the pain meds/narcotics

UGH. I have had all three. The Trifecta! The Triple Play!

Here it is six days later. Pain has been minimal since I got home. Nausea has been daily. Constipation has been unbearable. Why didn't they tell me that the pain and nausea were MOSTLY going to come from the constipation? UGH. Disgusting. Painful. Never ending. Miserable.

Five HOURS of misery last night finally ended about 9 p.m. with what I thought was relief and some finality. OH NO!! This morning it is BACK with a vengeance. Since 8:00 a.m., I have been once again MISERABLE, in PAIN, NAUSEOUS, SWEATY, UNHAPPY, CRYING. This SUCKS.

For the last hour I paced the house with a mantra. "I can do this. I CAN do this. This will NOT be the worse thing I have to do. This will NOT be the worse thing I have to endure. I can do this. I CAN do this. I will NOT cry. I will DO this." I paced. I ranted. Now I'm finally sitting still, trying to type, trying to relax.

Mark has headed out to the store to buy laxatives. I have googled constipation. I have taken Metamucil, eaten fiber, drunk lots of water, eaten fruits and vegetables known to cause a laxative effect, and paced the house. So far everything is USELESS. UGH.

I'm sorry that I'm writing about this, but I have never had anything like this. This is SO NOT ME. I don't feel like me anymore.

Recovery is a process, for sure!

I had a bad day yesterday, which is why there was no blog. I brought some of it on myself by sleeping sitting up in the living room chair for three nights. During the day, except for some small amounts of walking in the house and a four-block walk outside the house, I also sat in the same chair. Yesterday morning I woke up extremely swollen in the ankles and lower legs. YIKES!! I also weighed FIVE pounds more than the day before. YIKES!! All fluid, I was sure. Worse than the fear of that, I also felt sick. I was shaky, sweating, and nauseous. I had stopped taking the narcotic pain meds over 24 hours earlier because I wasn't really in pain, and I felt that the meds were making me sick to my stomach; however, I was still sick. I took the anti-nausea pills and went upstairs to lay down on the bed and elevate my legs. I got some relief from that, but after lunch, the nausea really cranked up again. Actually feeling scared, I called the doctor's office. They returned my call about 3 hours later, and he was most reassuring. He said it's residual anaesthesia causing the nausea so just continue the anti-nausea pills as prescribed. Also he said to keep my legs elevated, which I did for two hours after that phone call, and to go on a low-sodium diet.

Low-sodium diet? DUH. Why didn't I think of that? I have counted calories for so many years that I can do it in my sleep and have a good idea of what foods have what calories in them, but I have no idea about sodium. I didn't even know how much sodium is in a regular diet, let alone a low-sodium one. So...of course, we googled it. I decided to restrict myself to 1500 mg of sodium per day for awhile. I'm also writing it down, along with the calories again. This morning was weigh-in day, and it was 227. That's up six pounds from Thursday when I left for surgery, but a lot better than the 232 I hit yesterday morning. I could SEE those five pounds in my ankles!! It was scary. 227 isn't bad from surgery, so I know I can lose that in the next week or so if I take care of myself. I had to adjust my breakfast to lower the sodium, but it is OK. I had a fine breakfast of only 240 calories and 425 mg of sodium.

The other smart thing I did was sleep in the bed last night. I was afraid to sleep in the bed for fear of rolling over on the drain, or pulling it out of its suture, or laying on a sore spot, or having Mark poke his elbow on something with stitches in it. UGH. Fear. But I overcame my fear, slept in the bed, and woke up MUCH better this morning. That five pounds of extra fluid is GONE!! I slept pretty well, and I don't feel nauseous, at least not yet.

YAY!!

I also took a lot of phone calls yesterday. It was pleasant to speak with my friend Carol, my friend Bev, my sister Flyn, my daughter Evey, and my doctor. I also made calls to set up appointments with the radiation oncologist for next Monday, my doctor's follow up appointment for day after tomorrow, and the oncologist next Thursday. I paid a bill by phone also, so the phone was working overtime yesterday. In fact, it started to get hard to hold the phone! Ha Ha. My arms were tired. Ha Ha!!

Today I will get some visitors again. Bev and John are driving all the way up from Falls Church, VA! Wow, that's love. They are great people, and Mark and I are both looking forward to a nice visit with them.

I also got two deliveries yesterday. Evey and Eric are AWESOME. They sent me an edible fruit arrangement that included two pink-chocolate-covered, Mickey-head-shaped, pineapple slices. It's a special breast cancer arrangement with three balloons, so all the strawberries are dipped in pink chocolate also. Just beautiful, very delicious, and LOW sodium!! Also kosher! Just amazing. Mark was expecting it because he and Evey had talked about it, but I was completely blown away by it. I had tears in my eyes reading the card that they sent with it. Thanks, Evey and Eric!

I also received a box of pink ribbon things that I ordered online a week or so ago, before surgery. I have been wanting a pink ribbon magnet for the car; I also got some socks, a zip up fleece hoodie, and a key chain. The box came yesterday afternoon, and it was lots of fun to open and explore. The jacket fits perfectly, too. All of the items were 20% off plus a percentage went to fund a mammogram for a woman who cannot afford one. I ended up funding 11% of a mammogram. That's a good feeling.

Because I was sick yesterday and on the phone A LOT, I never got to write about how fabulous Sunday was with Kip and Denise for lunch and Lowell here for dinner. I was feeling really good all day Sunday, so it was just delightful to enjoy their company. Lowell and I watched six or seven episodes of the TV show, How I Met Your Mother, which I had never watched. It was very funny. I loved just sitting in the living room next to Lowell watching TV for hours. That's something we rarely get to do anymore, and that time was very precious to me. Thanks, Lowell!

I am now exhausted. I started writing this blog around an hour ago. It seems to take forever to do this now because my left arm gets so tired so quickly from typing. I have to keep taking breaks from the typing. My muscles on the left side are definitely weak. Unfortunately, I'm left-handed, so it's just really annoying to have limited use of the dominant arm. It will get better, I know. I'm doing the exercises that I was given, but I'm restricted in motion due to the drain right now. I am a bit surprised at how tiring this typing can be now. So I have to stop, right now, and go rest.

Time for shower and visits.

It's been a long time since I left the hospital, and a lot has happened, mostly all good. I started to feel nauseous yesterday, so I stopped taking the pain meds. I've been off them now over 24 hours, and I think that's a good thing. I walked all the way to the stop sign yesterday and back, but today I walked a little less. Still, I did go outside and walk a bit, twice.

I had two big adventures today. The first was a shower! Going up the stairs, undressing, washing my hair and taking a shower, re-bandaging the drain suture, and redressing took an hour and 10 minutes. Whew! I was exhausted when I was done. Mark was an angel. He helped me every step of the way, including washing my hair because I cannot raise my left arm up high enough to reach my head! He got in the shower with me and literally shampooed and conditioned my hair. What a guy!

Then my brother Kip and sister-in-law Denise came by with lunch. They brought a fabulous baked ziti, salad, and bread. They also brought me a great story of how they bought a Mah Jongg set in Beijing and presented me with the set! It was a great story and it's a beautiful set. The box alone is worth more than the price they paid for the whole thing. Just amazing, and I can't wait to show it off to everyone next time I get to play.

They also brought me several hours of marvelous conversation and stories and love. It is not possible to exaggerate how welcome that sort of thing is in recuperation.

Tonight I will have Lowell to share dinner and TV watching with me. He is coming over soon, and we'll have a nice salmon dinner and watch the first two seasons of How I Met Your Mother. I have never seen that show, but it sounds like fun to watch it with Lowell.

All in all, today has been a good day. I will admit that around 11 a.m., when I just went upstairs to start the process of showering, I indulged in a few pity tears. I started to feel sorry for myself and allowed the tears to flow for a few minutes before reminding myself that I'm really not that bad off. There are people in worse positions than mine. Yes, my arm hurts today; yes, I have been feeling really tired and queasy; yes, it's a pain in the butt to do every little thing, but it's OK. I'm going to be ok. I have family and friends rallying all around. The wagons have been drawn up in a tight circle, and I know I'll be safe.

It's me again.

Thanks to so many people who have made such loving and positive comments on both this blog and Mark's or my Facebook page. I know there are some of you out there who read this blog and/or the Facebook posts who absolutely have gone through worse than I'm going through. I know you also received hundreds of loving comments, cards, etc. Until you have gone through something like it, though, it's nearly impossible to understand how important these comments are. They lift my spirits and put me in a much better frame of mind. I missed it for these past two days, but now I'm back online!

Thursday was a really early morning. We were asked to arrive at outpatient surgery (even though I knew I would be an inpatient) at 5:45 a.m. After checking in promptly, we were told that I wasn't scheduled to go to nuclear medicine until 7 a.m. when they opened, but that I should remain in the outpatient area waiting for someone to come take me back and get me ready. So we sat...and sat...and sat some more. After 90 minutes, at 7:15 a.m. I went back to the girl who checked me in and reminded her that I was still here in outpatient, but that I was now late for nuclear medicine. Ooops!! She called nuclear; they came and got me. Once I was back there, the nuclear medicine woman said she had called up front several times to see if I was there, but no one seemed to know. OY! I wasn't really getting good vibes at that point.

She injected me in the left breast twice with the nuclear dye, then I had to wait 45 minutes for it to percolate up the lymph nodes. After waiting, I went back into the machine that seemed like a CT machine or MRI, although she said it was neither of those. I had to lay still with my left arm over my head for 40 minutes as they took four 10-minute pictures. Sadly the sentinel nodes did not show up. In fact no nodes showed up. She said it was because the original lump had been gone for two months and it "interrupted the train." She also assured me that the surgeon would have a device that looked like an electric toothbrush, but acted like a Geiger counter, to locate the nodes during surgery. Ooops! That didn't work either. So when I was conscious again, they told me they took all the axillary lymph nodes and left a drain sutured to my side. OY! I wasn't happy about that either.

I chose partial mastectomy with radiation and sentinel node biopsy instead of complete mastectomy without radiation because I did not want to have a drain and I did not want to lose all the nodes and I wanted to keep my risk of arm lymphodema to a minimum. Bummer. I got the drain and all the nodes out, the very highest possible risk of lymphodema, and still have to do the radiation because of the partial. Now I'm sort of wishing I just had the whole mastectomy. Hindsight. Gotta love it.

I had not stayed overnight in a hospital since my gall bladder surgery back in 1988. Wow, I had forgotten how crazy it is there all the time. It was very hard to sleep with people trooping in and out all night to draw blood, set another IV, or help me up to the bathroom. It really is easier to be at home, even if I did have to sleep sitting up in a chair. I was given that advice by several women who had mastectomies. They warned me that it would hurt A LOT to get out of a regular bed, so it's better to sit up. Since I also have the ventral hernia repair again, my abdomen is weak and painful right now. That also makes it hard to get up and down out of a bed or a chair.

My sister Cindy came to the hospital Thursday night and stayed for a few hours. I really appreciated that. She had been out of town and came right over from BWI. Mark was wonderful, as always, and learned to clean the drain. I can barely see it, let alone manipulate it to empty it. The nurses showed him several times how to empty it and write down how much lymph fluid is in it. I have to bring that record with me to the surgeon's follow-up appointment at the end of next week. Depending on the amount and color of it, he will decide if it comes out in one week or two weeks. Did I mention that I did NOT WANT this drain. UGH.

The physical therapist also came to give me a big packet of exercises to do to regain the full use of my left arm and lots of instructions on how to minimize the risk of lymphodema. I will have to get that packet out today and start the exercises. Although not everyone gets lymphodema, and it seems like the doctors aren't even sure why some women do and some women don't get it, it is still prudent to follow the advice to minimize that risk. There is no cure; there is only managing it or trying to avoid it all together. There will be no more professional manicures and probably no more hot tubbing. HUGE BUMMER for me.

I also have to make an appointment with the radiation oncologist and the regular oncologist for about two weeks from now. The radiation is a given at this point and can't start until I'm completely healed up from the surgery. It will be every day for six weeks. My regular surgeon will have the pathology report back by the time I see him at the end of next week. I should know then whether or not I'll need chemo or some kind of oral meds, or God Forbid, even more surgery. In any case, I'm supposed to make an appointment with the regular oncologist for about two weeks from now also just in case.

Despite "losing" me in the outpatient waiting area, we were generally very impressed with St. Agnes Hospital. Everyone was kind and caring. I felt that the nurses and the med techs were extremely responsive. If I pushed the call button, they answered and came right away. It was pretty impressive.

From Thursday morning when we left, until this morning sitting here typing, seems like an eternity. I feel like I lost several days, but it really feels good to be back at Cindy's house. I have oral pain meds, anti-nausea med, and stool softeners (oh joy) to last several weeks. I will do what everyone says to do: take the pain meds promptly, stay on top of the pain, rest more than you think you need to, lift NOTHING. I'll be all right. I'm just in the holding pattern now waiting for the pathology reports.

I suspect that any blogs I might write in the next few days will be very boring. I might not write anything unless I think of something because, honestly, I won't be doing anything too interesting except resting!

A day at the hospital by guest author Mark

I'm just filling in while Becky is recovering from her surgery. We had three goals today. We wanted to fix her hernia. We wanted to have a partial mastectomy to remove any cancer that was still in the breast. We wanted to remove the sentinel node so it could be tested to see if, God forbid, the cancer had spread and, if so, gain information on how to destroy it.

The hernia surgery went well. So did the partial mastectomy. The glitch came when after trying several techniques, the surgeons were unable to locate the sentinel node. That meant they had to resort to the old fashioned technique of removing all the nodes.

This was kind of sad on several levels. First, Becky chose the partial mastectomy, with six weeks of radiation because she hoped to avoid losing all the nodes. Now she must have the radiation, AND she has lost the nodes. Second she will have a longer healing and must wear a drain for a while. Third, she will always be at risk for lymphadima.

On the plus side, when I left the hospital tonight she was looking very good, and seemed to be on the road to recovery. We are hoping for a release, tomorrow.

Sleeping In and other Thoughts

I have not slept past 7 a.m. in a long time. We usually have had such busy agendas that we set the alarm for 6 a.m. every day. I could not believe it when I got up at 8:25. How is that possible? Now I'm a little worried because I might not be able to go to sleep tonight at a reasonable hour, and I have to get up at 4 a.m. tomorrow in order to leave at 5 for the hospital. Mark is joking that he's not even going to bother going to bed! He's only half joking because his morning routine is THREE HOURS LONG. No kidding!! If he has to leave at 5 a.m., he would set the alarm for 2 a.m. SERIOUSLY!! So what's the point of going to bed at midnight and getting up at 2? We'll see.

This is my last day with two intact breasts. Isn't that a funny thought? Millions of women have had to spend that day before surgery with that thought, but until this morning, I never gave it a thought. LOL Hm...dark humor, at best, but it's what I was thinking.

Some of you who have recently started reading this blog have been shocked at what I have said. I say the truth. I say it bluntly. I might even say MORE than I would ever say in person, although not always. Many times I've blurted something out, then Mark turns to me in shock and says, "Is there NOTHING you won't say?" As a teacher, there are really times you WANT kids to keep their comments to themselves! LOL I know a lot of teachers who read this blog, and I KNOW you KNOW what I'm talking about. BUT, this is MY blog. This blog was created BY me and FOR me to be brutally honest about my weight and what I was eating and how I was progressing. I created it because I was sitting there on a Tuesday night, watching The Biggest Loser, and binge-eating 5,000 calories of whatever crap was in the house. The irony of that did not escape me. I realized I needed to do something to jump start my diet back on to a positive track. I decided that writing about the struggles honestly and bluntly on a public website might just do it. I don't know for sure that it's working, but maybe it is.

As these 11 months have passed, the blog moved on to the hernia surgery (which was what the weight loss was for in the first place), the Cabaret, Mark's heart condition, our big trip, our move to Florida, and now my cancer journey. I have to say what I think or there is no point in having this. It's very much like a diary except that it's open to the public to read. It's kind of scary to say your innermost thoughts out loud for everyone to see and comment on. In fact when I first thought of this, I called Evey to help me figure it out and to suggest the platform to use (blogspot by Google), and she warned me about that. She asked me to think long and hard about whether I wanted to "put it all out there" for anyone to see and comment on. She said sometimes random people make mean comments to you on there. I did think about it, but honestly, I never figured anyone would really be reading it except Mark, Evey, and sometimes, Lowell. Even those three don't always read it! Ha ha. Even though more people are reading it now, and commenting on it, I find that it is my daily little release of emotion to put something down in writing, this from a person who used to HATE writing in school. I would still hate creative writing, thinking up a story from nothing. I admire people like Lowell and other writers who can do that. I do not have that kind of fertile imagination, but I do find that I get tremendous joy from writing my thoughts down in this blog. It's just a little bonus if anyone else finds it interesting to read or wants to send me a comment about it.

Just for those who are still interested, I weighed 219 this morning. Yay! One pound under the surgery weight from November. Not great, but at this point, it was my goal. So I met it.

I'm off to exercise at the pool, do a little more shopping, and try not to think about tomorrow. Can we say, Still in DENIAL? Ha Ha Maybe, just a little.

No more blogs from me for a few days. Mark will post tomorrow night or early Friday to let everyone know that I'm out of surgery and doing ok. I'm supposed to come home Friday afternoon, but I think I'll be too out of it and my left arm will be stiff and sore, so there won't be any blogs from me until I'm a bit more myself. If there is anything to say, Mark will say it here.

I send out very sincere thanks to everyone for their many, many wonderful and loving comments both here on the blog and on my personal email, as well as the many phone calls. I love you all.

Fishy day

I weighed in at 221 this morning. That's kind of encouraging. I might even take that last pound off in the next two days and hit 220 for the morning of surgery on Thursday, same as the surgery in November.

I had fish twice yesterday: salmon salad at Rip's in Bowie for lunch, baked cod with string beans and baked potato at M&S Grill at the Inner Harbor with Lowell for dinner. It was a very fishy day.

We got all of our errands done, but it was a long day. We got to Cindy's about 9:30 p.m. and got to bed about midnight. Long day.

This morning I have to go have blood drawn for a cholesterol check. With my brain consumed by breast cancer thoughts and appointments, it amuses me that the primary care doctor reminded me that my Lipitor is up for renewal and she hasn't checked the cholesterol in a long time. That seems like such a mundane thing right now. So I'm typing this wishing I had a cup of coffee, but it's about time to head out to Lab Corp and then we'll have some breakfast at Subway.

Heading north to Baltimore

We are saying goodbye to Sara and Jeff today. They have allowed us to live in their house for five nights during the High Holidays, and it was wonderful. The four of us really enjoyed each other's company. Communal living at its finest! Bye Bye Jeff and Sara. Thanks for everything.

I feel much happier this morning. I slept well last night, so I'm much more rested and ready to face the day.

Yesterday turned out pretty well. I had a blast picking up my friend Denise at the metro. Because it was still drizzly, we just went back to Sara and Jeff's house for coffee and good talk. Denise is a world traveler and recently returned from Machu Pichu. It was fun hearing her stories and seeing her pictures. In December she will be heading to Bangkok. She's amazing. Her daughter is getting married next summer, so we shared mom-of-the-bride wedding plans, of course. The kosher Chinese dinner did not disappoint, and then I drove her back to her brother's house in Annapolis. On the long drive from Rockville to Annapolis, Denise and I talked about how much we both love ice cream. Hm...there are some great ice cream parlors on Main Street in downtown Annapolis. We went to Kilwin's and had a delicious treat. Wow, what a great day it turned out to be.

This morning, after a really good night's sleep, we are packed and ready to head out for a big day of errands: going to Mark's doctor appointment, renewing one of Mark's prescriptions, having lunch with one of Mark's co-workers at Rip's in Bowie, exercising at the Greenbelt gym/pool, picking up the week's books at Mark's comic book store; enjoying dinner with Lowell in the Inner Harbor; moving back into Cindy's house. Whew! Aren't you exhausted just listening to this list of errands? I'm excited by the list. It will be a long, busy, productive day.

I hope all of you are also going to have long, busy, productive days, nothing wrong with that at all. Tomorrow morning is weigh-in-Tuesday. I'll be sure to post my weight, which I expect will be a bad number. Chinese food and ice cream will make it so. If I leave Thursday morning for surgery at 220, then I'm no worse off than when I left for surgery last November 2. It sure would have been nice to have been far less than that by now, but it isn't. I just don't want to be worse. This morning I was 223.5, mostly due to retaining fluid after the Chinese dinner. I am always up a few the next day from that. I guess they really use a lot of sodium in their cooking.

Have a great day!

Four more days

There was a party going on last night at the house next door that continued until 2 a.m. Saturday night in the Rosens' neighborhood is a happenin' place, apparently. I drank 2 cups of coffee at dinner at TJ's and 2 more cups at the house watching the America Ferrera movie, Our Family Wedding, on itunes. I guess that's why I had so much trouble sleeping.

Instead of sleeping, I lay tossing and turning, as best as I could in a twin bed shared with Mark, and thought about cancer. UGH. Not a fun way to spend the night. The party definitely was over by 2:30, but then the pouring rain came. It rained loud and hard the rest of the night. And I laid there listening to it and thinking about cancer. At one point I'm pretty sure I slept and dreamed, about cancer. I dreamed that I found lumps that were painful to the touch under both arms, telling me that I was definitely going to need chemotherapy after surgery. The dream was so real that when I got up to take a shower, I actually looked for them. Sigh of relief, they were not there.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the rain, or the loud noise, or the caffeine, or the three straight days of shul, but this morning, I feel very old, crotchety, and sad. That's not good because at 2:30 I need to pick up an old high school friend who lives in Seattle but is visiting here. She's going to be at the Silver Spring metro. I'll pick her up; we'll shmooze and maybe walk Brookside Gardens if it's not raining; we'll go to the Royal Dragon for kosher Chinese food; I'll drive her to her brother's house in Annapolis after dinner then back to Silver Spring for the last night at the Rosens. As usual, I don't have TIME to sit around and feel old, crotchety, and sad. I have to get it together and be sociable. Do you ever just feel like it's not worth the effort to be sociable anymore? Do you ever feel like being old, crotchety, and sad? Well, today's my day for it.

Seven things you are grateful for each day.

Yesterday the second day Rosh Hashana services were excellent, and at the last minute I was given the honor of the first aliyah because another friend of ours is unfortunately sick and in a rehab center. I really did feel honored to stand in for her. Thanks, Sue, for giving me that honor. Second day services are always more low-key and less well-attended, but perhaps for that reason they often feel more spiritual to me. I must say I was really getting into my davening yesterday. I admit I also prayed hard for my own healing as well as that of all the people on the prayer list.

After services, we spent all afternoon and evening at Rae's house with her family and our mutual friends. It was a wonderful day, very much a Jewish holiday sort of day. We ate a lot of delicious food like brisket, chicken, meatballs, kugel, various vegetables, cakes, and fruit. Of course there was raisin challah with apples and honey! It just felt very, very warm and loving. Thanks Rae, Ron, and everyone else who was there. You made our Rosh Hashana holiday very special.

Walking around the Greenbelt Lake between the main meal and dessert was a special treat. Mark and I, in all these years in this area, had never walked all the way around the lake. Rae lives across the street from the entrance to the lake, so it's very easy to do that. The "girls" took the lead and after awhile we couldn't even see the guys anymore. While we were walking, Rae mentioned that she has started writing down seven things that she is grateful for each day. I was impressed with this idea. In fact, I told her I was probably going to blog about that today, so she shouldn't be surprised if she reads this.

I challenge everyone to come up with seven things today for which they are grateful. Here's my list for today, but I think this list could be good for every day.
1. My husband, Mark, and for all the fabulous things he says to me and does for me. I am blessed.
2. My friends, Sara and Jeff, for putting up with us; haha, I mean putting us up for five nights.
3. My sister, Cindy, who will share her house with us for the next two months.
4. The warm, hamische feelings I've been getting at shul these past few days from all of our extended Mishkan Torah family. There's something to be said for making and maintaining a relationship with one synagogue for over 35 years. Lots of love and support there.
5. Our new house in Florida, which has far exceeded our expectations.
6. The chance to swim today in my old bathing suit that might not fit after my surgery without some sort of prostheses inside the cups. Sigh.
7. Waking up to a hot cup of coffee lovingly prepared by my husband.

Of course, I'm grateful for my children, but they are not here today to spend the day with me. I wish they could be, but I know why that's not possible. I will see Lowell on Monday, so that will be nice.

I'd like to say I'm grateful for the cancer because it's giving me the opportunity to be strong, grow as a person, find out what's really important in life, but honestly that would be BS of the highest order. I have read stories and blogs of other women with breast cancer who write about those things. I wish I could say that, but I can't. I'm not grateful for it. I am still annoyed and mad about it but resigned to it and ready to do what I have to do. But there is no gratitude there in my heart at all. Sorry.

Brookside Gardens

Our friends Saul and Phyllis are always going to Brookside Gardens for nice walks. We have often been invited to join them but never had the chance. Finally, we got to go for a walk there with Jeff and Sara in the evening. It was really lovely. We walked about 50 minutes at a pleasant pace as the sun started to go down. I'm sure that the walk and only eating two meals (one normal breakfast and one huge late afternoon meal for Rosh Hashana) is why I'm down one pound today to 223. Not acceptable yet, but it's a start.

Today there will also be only two meals and a walk. After services today we will be going to Rae's house for a luncheon. She lives very close to the Greenbelt Lake, which has a path all the way around. We have never walked all the way around the lake either, so I think today is going to be the day for a long walk after we consume another big meal.

I had approached the services yesterday with a little bit of trepidation. I wanted to see the choir and yet it would be sad to see them without me as their director. I don't want to do it anymore, but it's still a little bittersweet. Then when they sang, it was shocking. They were just awful. And if there is a choir member reading this, it will not be a surprise to them to see my opinion. I told many of them yesterday. They did not get their starting pitches to most of the songs, so everything except Amen, the last song, started off in not just the wrong key, but multiple keys! I was a bit stunned. The last song went well, so at least they finished the day with a beautiful sound.

I was also apprehensive about having to greet everyone. I love seeing everyone, but I just thought it would be tiring to have to answer the same question, "How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" over and over. Turns out it wasn't. Many people DID come up and say those things, but it was with such love and concern in the tone of their voice or the look in their eye that it was incredibly touching. I didn't mind at all. I'm about to head out there again for the second day of Rosh Hashana. I don't think I will be asked that as many times today since it will be essentially the same folks again today, but I'm still looking forward to seeing everyone. And the choir is not singing!

Raisin Challah and Honey Cake

We had a very easy drive up the coast yesterday and arrived in Silver Spring around 4:30 p.m. Quickly unloading the car, we then headed to Greenbelt to do a bit of shopping and pick up our friend Frank to bring back for dinner. Our friends Sara and Jeff have hosted upwards of 30 and more people for Erev Rosh Hashana dinner for decades, but this year they had only 10. It was a low-key group with loads of delicious food. Raisin challah with apples and honey are the traditional Rosh Hashana foods to symbolize a sweet new year. I guess my year will be the sweetest one YET considering how much of the challah, apples with honey, and honey cakes I consumed. There were three varieties of cakes for dessert, and of course, I sampled large quantities of all three. Good friends, good food, good times, FIVE POUNDS! My goodness, I am literally up five pounds today over two mornings ago when we left Florida. Unbelievable.

Shockingly, I hit 224 this morning. That is just unacceptable. Every day until my surgery involves a huge meal at some one's house or a restaurant meal (or two on the same day sometimes). How am I going to get under 220 before next Thursday? I am really upset about this and scared that I could go to surgery over 220. It also means that today I cannot honestly say I lost 100 pounds. It's only 98 this morning. This is how it starts, creeping slowly back. If I can't put the brakes on my eating, I'll be 300 again by the end of the year. I certainly do not want that, so there has to be an end to this out-of-control feeling. I just don't know how to find that control again. People keep telling me that I am so grounded, focused, positive, upbeat, going for a good cure of the bc. That's what they see on the outside. What I feel on the inside is a scared woman who is binge-eating to control her panic.

Meanwhile both of my friends went out early this morning for an hour's fast-paced walk. They are putting Mark and me to shame. They have each lost a significant amount of weight in the last year due to watching calories and exercise. Like I used to do! Somehow I just sat in front of the challah and kept eating, while they did what I should have done. Took small portions, ate slowly, and did more talking than eating. I was quiet and just ate and ate and ate. Now I'm mad at myself.

I have to leave in a few minutes to go to the services. This will be the first time in over 10 years that the choir will sing High Holiday services without me. Of course, they have invited me to sing with them, but I have refused. I am going to sit and watch and enjoy my musical retirement. I really think now that singing hard and preparing for the Cabaret is what broke open the hernia site. Those abdominal muscles are very important for good singing, especially operatic arias, and it was probably too soon after the surgery in November when I got very serious about daily rehearsing for the January Cabaret. I have to have it redone now, along with the breast cancer surgery, so I have no intention of breaking anything else open every again. I have to be very vigilant this time to be sure the muscles heal as strong as possible, knowing full well that they will never be as strong as they used to be. I think my days of intense singing are over for good. Kind of sad, but I don't want to undergo a third open abdominal surgery if I can avoid it.

Well, I really need to shut this down and go to shul. Time to hear the choir sing one of our best pieces, the Rossi Barkhu. It is one of the first pieces I taught them, and it is done about 9:15 a.m. Sadly, almost no one is there yet to hear them because it's so early in the long day of services, but I'll be there.

L'shana Tovah to all.

Tonight begins the holiday of Rosh Hashana. We will be picking up our friend Frank and having dinner with the Rosens and others, as well as moving in with them for the next five nights. It should be fabulous. Of course, first we have to drive another 465 miles to get there.

A lot can happen in a year. Rosh Hashana is a natural time to reflect on the many changes that took place over the past year. Mark and I just sat and added up how many nights we were out of our house (either house!) since last September 8. It was an astonishing 120!! That's one-third of the year in hotels, trains, or ships. Obviously, it was a big year for travel.

We also prepared for and sang the Cabaret Showcase at the synagogue in a snowstorm and again at a resort in WV in the heat of Memorial Day Weekend. Plans for the third performance have been shelved permanently due to my breast cancer diagnosis.

I had hernia surgery; Mark had his takotsubo; I developed breast cancer. OY!!

I retired!

Evey got engaged, graduated, moved to California. Lowell started grad school for an MFA.

Of course, we sold one house and bought another. Wow! That was really something we are proud of being able to accomplish.

This year will bring a change to both my body and my mind with the partial mastectomy and radiation therapy. I'm praying for a complete cure and no chemo after this second surgery. I really have not psyched myself up to endure chemo yet, but if I am told I must, then I must. I am hoping that it is a good omen to have surgery between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. There's probably nothing really auspicious about it, but I'd like to think maybe it's a good time. As it says at the end of the Yom Kippur service, the Book of Life is sealed for a new year. May we all be inscribed and sealed for another happy, healthy, sweet year.

Heading North, again.

Got up at 5:50 a.m. because it seemed like there were just so many chores to get done this morning and still make it out the door by 10 a.m. Whew! Getting the house ready to sit for two and a half months is a lot different than just going away for a few days. We actually have hired a person who checks houses every five days as a paid service. He only charges $25 a month, which I think is amazing. He will do a lot of things to keep the house in working order like flushing toilets, running the water, checking for leaks, watering the plants, and generally being sure the house is secure. It is a great service and provides a real peace of mind.

It's Tuesday, so that's the official weigh-in day. I'm still in the same range that I've been for awhile, 219.5. I guess I'm doing a good job on maintenance, if you want to look at it that way. It would have been better if I could have lost 10 pounds before the surgery, but I realize that will not happen now. First, there is only one week and two days left before that day. Second, four of those days involve Jewish holidays or other social events that will involve eating. I am hoping to maintain at this point through the next week, so that I face the surgery weighing no more than 220. That's what I weighed last November 2 when I went in for the hernia operation.

I sure never expected to have another major surgery in less than a year! Sheesh!

We'll be in the EconoLodge in Florence, SC tonight. It was a pretty nice place, low price but great free breakfast, good location, usual amenities. That's about 450 miles from here, leaving about the same amount to drive on Wednesday to Silver Spring, MD. Wednesday night is the start of the High Holiday season. I wish everyone a sweet new year.

Last Day in Solivita for awhile.

Mark made us low-carb pancakes and scrambled eggs for breakfast yesterday, his usual Sunday morning breakfast. Then we headed out to Downtown Disney to see the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. It was a lot of fun. I know it was based on graphic novels, but I had not been prepared for how much of that style was in the movie. We both enjoyed it very much.

After the movie, we strolled over to the other side of the Disney Marketplace for lunch at the Earl of Sandwich, before heading to the Magic Kingdom. The object was to ride Space Mountain for the new soundtrack. We were standing in front of the ride at 4:30 and our choices were to Fastpass it, which meant getting a ticket to return at 7:30 for the ride with no waiting, or standing in line now, which meant a 50 minute wait in line. We waffled. We didn't feel like standing in line 50 minutes, but we also didn't plan to stay in the park until after 7:30. What a quandary we were in. I didn't feel like standing in line that long, but I told Mark to go ahead and do it. I don't think he wanted to do it by himself, so he just wanted to bail and go home. I finally talked him into it, so he went by himself. I wandered around Tomorrowland looking in the shops and just waiting on a bench. The weather was cool, breezy, and threatening to rain, so I kept looking for covered places to be. When Mark came back, he said it was ok but the soundtrack on the track instead of in the car wasn't as good as it could have been. Still he was glad he did it. The idea of reading about something that is just opening and having the ability to run over and do it right away instead of planning for a trip a year out is one of the reasons he wanted to live here.

We also took the time to ride my favorite Tomorrowland ride, the People Mover, before we headed home. Once home we had a delicious grilled salmon dinner with broccoli and baked potato, watched Jerry Lewis' MD telethon until about 11 p.m., and then went to bed exhausted but happy.

Today is our last full day in Solivita for several months. It's going to be another work day in the house, more boxes to unpack and some actual cleaning to do so the place isn't a wreck when we return. There will also be packing of suitcases, yet again, and exercising at The Palms for the final time. Sad to think that we have to leave, but I'm getting sort of eager to get the surgery over and done. I keep reading about it, and I'm ready to do it now. There's Rosh Hashana first and a few more fun times with friends before that happens, but seriously, it's been a long wait. I found the lump mid-June, it was removed mid-July, and now it's two months later, mid-September, before the rest of the treatment commences. It's time and I'm ready.

One very sad note for this holiday weekend is the lack of Hawaii! I know you are scratching your heads going, "Huh?" Ha Ha!! It has been our tradition since the kids were in school to search for all 50 license plates between the start of Memorial Day weekend and the end of Labor Day Weekend, which is today. Most years we get all 50 and many of the Canadian provinces, sometimes a few islands, also, like Puerto Rico or Guam. Some years we were unsuccessful because South Dakota or Wyoming were illusive. It has NEVER been Alaska or Hawaii that failed to appear, until now. It's especially frustrating this year to have Hawaii be the lone missing state since we were IN Hawaii for a week back in March and saw thousands of them! I also saw it THREE times during the summer, but I was alone. The game only counts the license plate if two family members see it at the same time, but I was in Laurel doing errands by myself when I saw it. I didn't really worry because I figured there would be a day when Mark and I were in the car together, but I didn't count on being gone from Laurel so much of the summer. Laurel is the gold standard for license plates! LOL It's because it's next to a major army base, so we have always figured the Hawaiian plates were on cars that had recently been relocated to Ft. Meade. Still, the season is ending today, and we do not anticipate seeing Hawaii drive by our street here in Solivita. LOL So this year's list will remain unfinished.

Leaving Comments. How to do it.

Just so you know, "shul and pool" was EXCELLENT yesterday. The weather couldn't have cooperated more. The pool was very crowded because of the holiday, but we found plenty of room to float around. We also napped on the chaise for about 2 hours. In the shade!! Don't worry about sunburn.

I also lost my phone for most of the day because on the way to the synagogue in the morning it had slipped out of my purse in the trunk of the car. It was after 10 p.m. before we found it, but by then I had missed two phone calls from a friend back in Maryland. She has just done the most amazing thing! She recently started reading this blog, so she started at the beginning and has worked her way up. I find that incredible and also incredibly touching that she cared that much to do that.

Her phone call was about how to post a comment. Any of you who are reading this blog regularly KNOW that most of you who have commented have had to ask me how to do it!! It clearly is not intuitive, and I have sent individual emails to many people with instructions.

So...today I decided to post those instructions right here on the blog. Why not? Maybe it will help someone in the future.

I got Mark to go through this exercise with me to be sure the instructions are worded clearly and actually do work. He posted a little something as a test, which I deleted. So when you see "This post has been removed by the blog administrator," you'll know that's where I deleted Mark's test message. I have actually done that twice to spam comments. I don't know why anyone would take the time to spam comment a blog like mine, but it has happened twice. As the writer of the blog, I do have the power to delete a comment! Thank goodness.

So here are the steps to posting a comment:
1. At the bottom of each day's post, it says posted by Reby S at the time of day 0 comments, or 2 comments or whatever.
2. Click on the word "comments".
3. That will bring up a box for you to type your comment in. Go ahead and type your message.
4. At the bottom of the box it says "Comment as: select profile". This is the confusing part.
5. Click on the drop down menu and select one of the bottom two choices in the list.
6. If you pick Name/URL, it will bring up a box that says Edit Profile. Type your first name in the name box and ignore the URL box, then click continue.
7. If you pick Anonymous, you can just go on, but please sign your name in the body of the text of your comment so I know who wrote it...if you want me to know. Ha Ha, otherwise you really can be anonymous.
8. Then click post comment. It will bring up a box of random letters, numbers, or words for you to type into a box. This is a security feature of the blog to prevent spamming, apparently not well enough, but go ahead and type those characters anyway.
9. Then click post again and it should be there for me to see!!

I know this seems like a lot of steps, but it really doesn't take long once you get the hang of it. I hope you do write comments because I really love them!! Let me know if this works by sending a comment on the blog. If I see you can write something then I'll know this worked.

Meanwhile today is going to be a Disney day!! We are going to Downtown Disney in about an hour to see the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and then into Magic Kingdom. Mark read that they added speakers on the tracks for a soundtrack (instead of speakers in the car) inside of Space Mountain. Since this is new, he wants to do it before we leave. It just opened August 30, so he is excited. Having the ability to run over to try the new thing without have to spend a whole long day in the park is one of the reasons Mark wanted to move here. Today is one of his dreams come true.

I haven't ridden Space Mountain, or any roller coaster, in a very long time because I have not fit into the car. I used to like them back when the kids were younger and I was smaller. As I gained weight, it just got impossible to get in the little car and buckle the restraints, so I stopped. I would sit out on a bench while Mark and the kids got on line. I didn't really miss them, but today I'm actually considering doing it. I think I will fit today. I'm 219 this morning (sad, since it's up 2 pounds from the other day), so I think I will fit. Hm..I guess I'll let you know tomorrow if I got up the nerve to try and how that went.

Labor Day Weekend

This is the weekend people eagerly await and yet often dread. It spells the official end of summer. Back in the '70s when I first started working, teachers in Baltimore County started the day after Labor Day and kids came that Thursday. A few years into my career they changed it so teachers started the Tuesday before Labor Day and kids started the Tuesday after. I never understood the wisdom in making the teachers start two weeks before the holiday and the kids one week before, but that has been the standard for a very long time. I guess Marylanders should not complain since many systems in South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida started even earlier, in mid-August.

This is the first year I have been retired and did not go back to school. I really expected to sit poolside in Florida, drink in hand, laying on a lounge chair, gloating over the fact that I wasn't going back to work. Somehow that didn't happen. On the day the teachers went back to work and the following week when the kids started, I truly did not give it a single thought. There wasn't a single moment when I stopped and enjoyed the feeling of not going to school.

Maybe that was because I was just too busy with the new house, the doctor's visits for cancer, and the trips up and down the coast to and from Maryland. The days just sort of escaped me.

Maybe it's because I really missed it. After all, once I started to school myself in the fall of 1955 for kindergarten, I have ALWAYS started school in the fall either as a student or as a teacher. The only exception was the fall of 1979 when I stayed home for one school year after Lowell was born. I remember that when my Dad left teaching he commented that he missed the rhythm of the school year. I get that. There's a nice feeling to the start of a year, the long holidays, the anticipation of summer vacation. It has a rhythm to it that no other job has.

NAH! I don't MISS IT AT ALL! I'm just playing with you. I'm thrilled to death to be retired and sitting here on the lanai in Florida typing this blog today.

Still, I wish I did not have cancer, did not have to travel to and from doctor's appointments, did not face surgery on September 16 and all that radiation, did not worry about the prospect of more bad news from future pathology reports. I wish I was gloating over not going to school. I don't miss getting up in the morning to go to work or spending the day at work, but I miss my colleagues and many of the students. I wish them well this year. I hope they enjoy their students and their co-workers and the rhythm of the year.

Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend!!