A guest blog

This is Mark, guest blogging for Becky. As many of you know, I have been away on a mission from Becky to bring back winter clothes and Christmas presents from home. Thursday night on the autotrain back from Florida I received texts on my cell phone from Becky saying that her temperature was rising over the 100.4 limit her oncologist had set. Anything beyond that required a call to the doctor.

With the call made, Becky was sent to the emergency room, driven by her sister, Cindy, who was a saint that evening, sticking with Becky through the wee hours of the morning, and holding her hand through painful procedures. If memory serves me, Becky's temperature went over 101 before they admitted her, diagnosed an infection, and began treatment with antibiotics.

I got into town Friday morning, unloaded and returned the rental car, and was at the hospital, as was Cindy, by Friday afternoon. Becky is being kept there all weekend. The fever is down. Her blood pressure is normal, but the antibiotics continue as the infection is not yet gone. Assuming the antibiotics do the job, we expect a Monday release. Otherwise they may have to get more aggressive.

Becky feels well and is in excellent spirits. Her oncologist will not yet give the ok, but if the antibiotics beat this infection by Monday, she may go on with Chemo session 3 on Wednesday as scheduled.

Beautiful weather, beautiful day

This will be a very short post this morning. I slept in really late, 8:40 a.m., so now I'm rushing around trying to get things done before I leave the house. I'm heading out to Annie's house. She and I are going to a place called the New Deal Cafe in Greenbelt for lunch and some live music. Then we'll go back to her house where Robin will join us to play Mah Jongg. I have to head out of there by 4 p.m. to get back up to Baltimore. It's Thursday, and that means Lowell is coming over for DVD watching and dinner. Cindy is making chili tonight, and then we'll watch Big Bang Theory, our favorite show.

So that's it for today, a little blurb of my agenda. It's weird, but I just have nothing else to say today. I'm feeling good. I'm busy. I'm happy. This is as good as it gets on chemotherapy!

Grateful for Girlfriends

When I first got my BC diagnosis, I was in my old, empty house finishing the cleaning before we sold it. The cell phone rang, and I answered it expecting the best but hearing the worst. My cleaning lady/friend Peggy was there, along with Mark and our contractor Erick. I was in shock. Everything was going wrong. Our furniture had already taken off for Florida; settlement was in two days to sell the old house. What was I going to do? Where was I going to go for treatment? How would we get through this? Mark hugged me and wanted to hug much longer, but I broke it off. I couldn't stand still. I had to move. Peggy cried with me while she kept sweeping up the floor. I called my friend Arlene and cried some more. I paced like a caged tiger in the totally empty basement crying on the phone. I couldn't stand still. I ranted and raved with Arlene on the phone. I cried again with Peggy and Mark. Erick offered his sincerest prayers to me and later had his wife and daughter drive over to meet me and offer their prayers. It was a long, surreal day from that point on. We slept in a motel that night, and I cried there when I woke up the next morning.

That was July; this is October. Things have fallen into place, and the plan is in force. I was mad for a long time about the plan and in denial about how long it would take. I didn't want to stay here this long, so I guess that's why we drove out of Florida with only summer clothes in the suitcases. I didn't want to have to live away from my beautiful new house. I wanted the life I had planned, and this breast cancer was snatching it all away from me.

Time puts this in perspective at last, and yesterday I had a sort of revelation. Surgery is 5 weeks behind me now. I have traveled 25% down the dark tunnel of chemotherapy, completing 2 of the 8 cycles. I don't see the light at the end, but I'm far enough in not to turn around and run back out. I no longer fear the radiation that looms in the spring. My sister Cindy has been wonderful to us, opening her house and heart to let us share everything with her. Mark and I are comfortable in her house. My family, including my son, are around me regularly, giving me love and support. I like my doctors and the St. Agnes Cancer Center. Everyone there is amazing, and I feel blessed to have been steered in their direction.

Yet, there is one more thing that hit me yesterday that I have here in Baltimore that I would not have had in Florida, girlfriends. I have so many girlfriends! When we are in school, we make girlfriends. Some of them stick with us for life like Laverne and Denise J. We make some more in college, although I did not. Once we go to work, we have co-workers who may or may not become girlfriends. (Fortunately for me, many of my co-workers have also become my girlfriends.) Through our adult lives, we work, raise kids, keep a house, and are busy, busy, busy. We may or may not realize the value of our girlfriends; there may not even be enough time to think about it.

Yesterday, I had a fabulous day with one of my many girlfriends. It was a simple thing. She drove up here to visit me. We ate lunch out, then we went to a movie. It was just Annie and me. Girls day out. I sat next to Annie in the movie theater, and said, "In all the years we have known each other, I don't think we've ever gone to a movie together." True. I haven't gone to a movie with just a girlfriend in decades. It was a defining moment. It was then that I realized the value of girlfriends in this ordeal. Carol, a 7 year BC survivor, visited me after my surgery; Phyllis M stopped by right before chemo started; Kim and Chantel came by after my first chemo session; Debbie drove up after work last week for dinner; Jan came up on Monday for lunch; Annie came yesterday for lunch and a movie. Thursday I'll go to Annie's house to go out with her for lunch, and then Robin will join us for Mah Jongg. I have had other friends here as well, but when people stop by as a couple and visit Mark and I together, it is a different dynamic than just girls together. It's also very, very good, but it's different.

I am blessed with more girlfriends than I can even count. Many of them are still working or live out of state. Obviously, they are not going to be able to stop by for lunch on a weekday, but they still support me with emails, texts, phone calls, Facebook, and comments on this blog. I hope that all of you girls out there who do that, even the ones that I have not met in person, know that I treasure each of those contacts. You keep me focused and sane.

So today I am grateful for girlfriends. They are making this ordeal bearable. Thanks, girls!

Poor Weigh-in Ranting

I think I'll blame the weight gain for this week on a lot of things: Chinese food for dinner two nights in a row, too much ice cream two days in a row, eating lunch out, no exercise, steroids in my meds. It doesn't really help because there's still four pounds here now that wasn't there last Tuesday. This morning's weight is 229, just terrible. Today I'm eating lunch out again, and I'm also going to eat dinner out. It is so hard to put the brakes on my eating. My worst habits have returned in full force.

I'd like to get myself back in control over my eating because controlling that would be something I can actually control. Cancer takes a lot of control out of your life, so controlling the food should be a good thing. It doesn't seem to be working for me. I am up 10 pounds now since the surgery on Sept. 16. That's a lot of weight, and there's really no reason for it other than overeating.

In a previous blog, I said I hope to maintain my weight through the chemo process, but in my whole life I've never maintained a particular weight. I've always been gaining out of control or losing due to rigid dieting and exercise. I know how to lose; I know how to gain. Why can't I learn to maintain?

I don't want to maintain this new weight of 229. It's an unacceptable weight. Very soon none of my clothes are going to fit. Last winter I weighed 20 pounds less. I also gave away all of my "fat" clothes, so I only have things in size 1X and 22-24. Now I'm NOT that size! Mark is in Florida looking in my closet to bring back winter clothes. As he tells me on the phone what he sees, I realize I can't fit into those things. Since I've been up here, I have bought 4 pairs of sweat pants in size 2X and about 5 long-sleeved shirts in 3X. This is a step backward. I swore I would never go back to those sizes, and yet here I am.

It's too easy to blame it on the cancer, the steroids in the meds, the lack of exercise. Not all women gain weight on chemotherapy, although many do. This is really mostly my own poor relationship with food. I'm sure that I'm trying to soothe and comfort myself with the food. It's my proven stress-reliever. If I could find a truly satisfying way to comfort myself and relieve stress that did not involve eating, I could probably package it and make a fortune. Sadly, I have never found that thing.

So today's blog is a lot like some of my older posts from a year ago where I was ranting and raving about being out of control in my eating. Some things never change apparently!

Shaved my head, and Mark left.

Ha Ha! I'm sure no one thinks those two things in the title are related. I tried to fool you with a headline like that once before, but no one bought it. Yes, I shaved my head yesterday. Yes, Mark left for Florida this morning. No, the two are not related.

The head shaving party was quite a sight yesterday. Denise really stepped up and took clippers and razor in hand to do the job. First, she took care of her hubby, Kip. He looked great. We all felt that if he wore a white t-shirt and donned a gold earring, he'd be a dead-ringer for Mr. Clean. I postponed my turn a little by insisting that we eat first. The food was spectacular, and we all stuffed ourselves.

Finally, it had to be done. I sat in the middle of the living room and submitted to Denise's ministering hands. I was really ready because I was tired of pulling hunks out every time I touched my head. It took a little longer than she thought, or than it took with Kip, because my hair has always been really, really coarse and thick. She worked and worked, and finally I emerged with my new bald head.

Considering how traumatic I thought it would be, it was actually OK. I'm glad to have moved on to the next stage. I sent a huge album of photos to almost 3 dozen people, and I received many nice responses. Most people say it looks OK. I guess it does, but I will not be going out in public like that. I do not think society really accepts seeing bald women walking around the streets or at the restaurants or movies. Men can get away with it, but not women. I don't want people staring at me or pointing or whispering. Maybe they would. Maybe they wouldn't, but I would feel like they are.

The hats and scarves will make it tolerable. It's also fall and winter. As Kip pointed out last night, it would be much worse if it were summer. Since it's not hot and sticky, the scarves and hats should feel quite nice.

We all got up a little extra early this morning in order to leave around 7 a.m. to drive Mark to the airport. Today is the day he begins his week in Florida. He'll land shortly after 12 noon today, rent a car, and drive the hour down to our house. He's looking forward to time in the house, putting away our summer clothes, packing up our winter things, and finding the Christmas presents we bought in Hawaii. Tomorrow he has to try to get his car fixed, which is something he is a little worried about. If that goes well, the rest of the trip will be lots of fun. He hopes to go to the Halloween party at the Magic Kingdom Tuesday night and the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot Center on Wednesday. Thursday he and the rental car, packed with our necessities, will board the auto train to return to the Washington area by Friday afternoon. I think the trip will be great for him, and I'd be jealous that I didn't get to do it if I weren't too scared of it. I actually am happy for him and happy for me. I wanted the chores done, but I was afraid to go, so this is the best for everyone. I will miss him terribly, though, because we are almost never apart anymore, and I don't mind that at all.

While Mark is gone this week, I have made lots of plans to keep busy. Today my friend Jan is coming up, so we will go out to lunch together and have a nice visit. I have not seen her in months and months. Tomorrow my friend Annie is coming up for lunch and a movie. We are going to go see the new movie Social Network, all about Facebook. Wednesday I am having my toenails professionally trimmed at the podiatrist's office. I'm not allowed to go to the nail salon anymore, so I have to go somewhere. Insurance doesn't cover this, even with the chemotherapy angle, but it will actually cost about the same as going to the nail salon twice as month, so I'm prepared to pay for it. Thursday will be the biggest day of all. I'm driving to Greenbelt to meet Annie for lunch out, maybe a walk around the lake, and a few hours of playing Mah Jongg. That night Cindy is making chili, and Lowell will come over to TV and dinner. It is shaping up to be a great week. I'm not jealous at all that Mark is going to Disney World. I have plenty of fun plans up here with friends.

Not sure how I'm feeling about it.

I'm feeling very sure about one thing: the show at Goddard last night was great. I am so glad that I made the decision to get those tickets and head out. Despite feeling bad walking yesterday afternoon (and I guess that's a story I didn't put up here), I made it through the show ok. Mark and I both enjoyed the show very much; the food was great; and seeing our friends from MAD and Mark's former co-workers from Goddard was a highlight. I felt surrounded by caring, loving people. I went there to support them in their herculean efforts to do a big show, and yet I came away again feeling supported BY them. Wow. It was awesome.

On the other hand, we didn't get home until 12:30 in the morning, and I didn't fall asleep until going on 2 a.m. That's crazy. We have a lot of packing to do today to get Mark out of here tomorrow morning early for his flight to Florida. We didn't even get the day started until 8 a.m., which is really late for us! Now it's "catch-up" time all day, I guess.

The hair loss is what I'm not sure how I feel about this morning. It's happening; it's inevitable. My pillow was covered in hair this morning, and I'm quite sure the shower will produce another torrent of hair falling out. The mess is getting to me, and I can't touch my head without having a handful of hair in it. At 5:30 tonight we will have a huge spread of 5 appetizers, 8 different entrees, white rice and fried rice from David Chu's China Bistro kosher Chinese restaurant. If that's not enough, there is pareve peach pie, chocolate meltaway cake, and two flavors of pareve ice cream to have for dessert. Oh, my, we are all going to stuff ourselves silly with this huge dinner, but when it's over, the head-shaving will start. The hats and scarves will come out; the pictures will get taken. I will have moved to the next phase of this cancer adventure.

The loss of a breast is a personal loss that many women mourn for quite some time. I only lost a part of my breast, and it was difficult, but I'm not mopey about it. I think I handled it well. I'm not looking for any reconstruction, and I feel ok about they way I look there.

The loss of the hair on one's head is an even bigger loss for most women. I think I'm in that group. My hair has been who I have been, in some ways. It's what Mark loved about me from the first day we met. It's hard to see that go. I'm glad now that I got it cut so short. Not only is it less hair going down the drain, but it's less of my old self to watch going down the drain. I am resigned to the loss today, and in some ways it will be a relief to get it over with and move to the next stage of scarves and hats. Yet, I cannot say I'm excited or happy about it. It's another thing to add to the list of things that cancer has taken from me.

I want to focus on the positives. I want to stay focused, strong, happy. Sometimes it's easier than other times. I know that having this party today will help me get through this. How much more depressing would it be just to be alone, pulling hunks of hair out of my head and throwing them in the trash? How much sadder would I be? Unimaginably so. This way I have loving family to surround me, help me, encourage me, and even participate in it with me. Kip, you are amazing. All kudos to my brother Kip for coming over this evening to shave his head, too. I didn't ask him to do it. He called me on the phone early in the process, when we first learned I would undergo chemo and lose my hair. He called me and said he wanted to do this with me. I was so touched that I cried in the car when we hung up. Kip, you'll never know how much that phone call meant to me. Today is the day. Let's do it together. I love you, Kip.

Hair Loss

I'm obsessing about the hair loss now. Every since I realized Friday that I could easily pull hairs out, I've been thinking about it. It's inevitable, but it's bringing on some new emotions. Mark and I are both thinking about this hair loss a lot. I think it's going to be sad on Sunday after all, and I'm glad I am having family to surround me at the time.

Yesterday morning I felt a lot of hair falling out when I showered. I'm really glad now that I cut it so short, or I'm sure it would have made a big clog in my sister's drain. I'm sure the same thing is going to happen this morning. When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, my hair was standing out all over in funky tufts. I naturally pulled at one. It didn't hurt at all to pull it out of my head, finding the tuft in my fingers. It was like looking at our cattle dog or our rabbit when they were all tufty during the season when they shed. Yup, I'm shedding! My head kind of itches and tingles. I think my scalp wants to get the hair out of there now.

On the other hand, I'm trying to think positive thoughts about how the chemotherapy is definitely working in my body. It's killing my hair follicles, so it must be killing any lurking cancer cells, too. At least that's the game plan!

Today should be mostly lazy. I am going to watch some TV, take a walk, read a book, try not to pull hair out! Tonight will be a big adventure. Although I'm not entirely sure I'm up to this big adventure, I wanted to do it anyway. MAD's production of Sound of Music opened last night. I just couldn't resist trying to find a night to go see a lot of my friends in the show. So we picked tonight. It will be a long night out, and a late night drive home for an hour. Normally I do not like to do this now with chemotherapy dragging me out at night, but I'm going to do this one.

This is a show that I always wanted to be in. I always wanted to play the Mother Abbess and sing Climb Every Mountain. Timing is everything. When the show was announced, I thought I couldn't do it because we'd be moving to Florida. Later I realized that the breast cancer diagnosis would have taken it off the table even if we hadn't moved. Oh, well...

I know the show will be great. I just hope I can stay awake and make it home safely. I'll let you know tomorrow.

Looking forward to another great day!

Yesterday I had a great "day after chemo" kind of day. It couldn't have been better. Yes, there were some anti-nausea meds, but they didn't affect me in any kind of negative way.

I went to the hospital for my neulasta shot. Here's a picture of me getting the shot. It doesn't hurt at all, and so far, once again I had no side effects. All good.

Last night I noticed that when I ran my fingers through my hair, there was hair on my fingers. I put them on the front of my t-shirt and did it again, and again, and again. Pretty soon I looked like I had been cuddling a shedding dog or cat! I shook everything off into the trash and stopped running my fingers through my hair! Still, it's a start, and it proves that shaving my head on Sunday is not going to be a minute too soon. I just hope I still have enough hair left by Sunday to shave off! LOL

The only other side effect I'm noticing now is extremely dry eyes. I was told to buy Natural Tears eye drops and use as needed. I find that a few times a day and at bedtime is definitely necessary. I'm also having much more acid in the stomach and take Tums, not just at bedtime as prescribed following the parathyroid surgery back in '03, but at least twice more during the day. I might need to find out if there is something stronger that I could take. I'll see how it goes today.

Yes, I had a blast with Lowell last night. Mark's shepherd's pie was a huge hit! I'd eat that again, for sure. I'll see him again this Sunday for my party and next Thursday is already confirmed! Yay!

I took a 30 minute walk yesterday and felt great doing it. As promised there are a few pictures here today from the neighborhood walk the other day. Whatever the uploading issue was, I guess it's resolved now. I hope to walk again today. Mark and I are also going to go out to lunch at the kosher Subway and then do some grocery shopping at the kosher supermarket, Seven Mile Market. We haven't been there for awhile, and it's always lots of fun. It's really convenient and fun for us to live only 20 minutes from Pikesville and all the kosher and Jewish stores.

Did I really have chemo yesterday?

I woke up feeling amazingly good this morning. I can hardly believe I actually had chemo yesterday. There was no nausea or fatigue or fuzzy headedness. I felt remarkably alert and awake.

I ate a nice big bowl of three high fiber cereals mixed together plus raisins and skim milk for breakfast. The Senokot I took at 10 p.m. last night worked! Thank God! There will no constipation this round.

Finally at 9 a.m. this morning I realized I would have to take an anti-nausea med, Zofran, not so much because I felt nauseous yet, but because at 9:30 I had to take the three antibiotic capsules, Keflex. They upset my stomach last night, as they warn you they might, so I took the Zofran plus some yogurt and fruit to ward off potential stomach upset from the other pills. Now I'm typing this blog and starting to feel fuzzy in the head and a little nauseated. Still it doesn't seem like it's the chemo as much as it is the combination of these two drugs causing the symptoms now.

Yesterday, Mark and I took a walk around the neighborhood. I posted a large album of photos, which I emailed out to some folks I thought might be interested. If anyone reading this blog wants to see more pictures, just send me a personal email letting me know. If you don't know my email address yourself, then post a little comment here with your email address (if you feel OK about that) and I'll get them to you. Otherwise there are a few pictures of it here on this blog today, obviously. I wanted to get that walk in before I went to chemo.

OK disclaimer here: You must have noticed there are no pictures on this blog, despite that last paragraph. When I finished the blog, I tried to upload the pictures, but the system is down. Yesterday they warned me that the system for uploading photos would be down, but I didn't think it was continuing to today. I'll try again tomorrow to put the pictures of the walk on the blog. Sorry about that. The full album is still available by personal email from me.

Chemo went very well actually. The only little glitch was the port. I didn't remember to mention to this nurse that I need a one-inch needle to access it. She iced me up, because even though I had used the lidocain AND used the bandage, I had missed the right spot. DOH! So again with the ice bag. It stings probably worse than the needle would, but I never feel the needle after the ice. Anyway she poked me, but she wasn't getting any blood return. She poked me three times thinking she was missing it, but finally I thought to ask if she was using a one-inch needle. No, she had missed that in my file. She apologized and said none of the nurses would be offended if I reminded them of that at the start. Funny that I remembered it yesterday and not today. Once that was cleared up, the fourth poke went right in and worked. Hallelujah!

After that, I wrapped up in my lovely "prayer shawl" courtesy of Jane Wall from CMC, put on my iPod listening to Evey's CD and Mamma Mia among other cuts, and tried to read a little on my Kindle and work a puzzle. My blood pressure held steady (95/57 when I started and 114/65 when I ended), which made me very happy. I started at 1:30 and walked out at 4:30. All in all, not too bad. I was very tired the rest of the day, constantly nodding off in front of the TV. I took the meds at home and did feel some nausea. Still, I felt that it went pretty well. Now this morning I am stunned at how good I really feel.

At 4 p.m. I will get the Neulasta shot to boost the white blood cells. It worked like a charm last time, doing its job of keeping my blood count normal, and gave me NO painful symptoms. I mentioned to my oncologist on Tuesday that I got no bad side effects from the Neulasta, and she grinned, put her finger to her lip, and said, "Ssshhh, don't jinx it." She said most women fall into a pattern of having the same reaction, good or bad, every time. It doesn't always work that way, but I'm hoping it does for me. If I have no reaction to it today, then I think I'll be home free.

So today should be another nice one. I've already done some correspondence, balanced my checkbook, paid a bill, watched morning news, typed a blog, kept up with Facebook, and it's only 10:45. Ha Ha!! I'm going to go shower, dress, walk a bit, and head to my shot later today. Tonight, Lowell will join us again to continue the DVDs of How I Met Your Mother, which I love, and dinner. Tonight, Mark is making a vegetarian shepherd's pie, sounds fabulous.

Despite cancer and living away from my home, I feel like life is pretty good! How about you? I hope life is good for all of you, too.

Chemo Two is a Go.

Yesterday's check-up was great. My blood count is normal, and the doctor said I am ready to have chemo again today as scheduled. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not dreading it. There is no way to know if it will feel the same, better, or worse. Everyone responds differently, and the only way to find out is to do it. I will be a bit more proactive on two counts: constipation and nausea. I already have all five anti-nausea drugs on hand, which is different than last time. I will not be afraid to take them as often as needed and in combination. The doctor confirmed that this is fine. She also confirmed that the combination of drugs in my chemo cocktail DOES cause constipation in some people. (Ironically, it also causes diarrhea in some people, so go figure.) Since I did have constipation last time, she said it was OK to be a bit proactive and take Senokot, a gentle laxative, later today and tomorrow to help prevent it. I have already changed my breakfast to include more fiber than I used to have at breakfast. Prunes as a snack later in the day and lots of fluids will hopefully work to prevent that problem this round. At least that's the plan.

My eyes are very dry now, a side-effect of the chemo, so she recommended a Natural Tears eye drop that I can use as often as I like. Mark bought some for me on the way home. I also have to take Keflex, an antibiotic in capsule form, for a week due to an infected skin eruption. UGH. Bad timing on that, nothing unusual or weird, but because of the chemo the danger of it not healing or having the infection become systemic is very real even from a small thing. So I will be taking 3 capsules in the morning and 3 more at night for 7 days. So many pills to take...have I mentioned that I hate taking pills? Still this is a small price to pay in the bigger scheme of things, like LIVING, cancer free!

I will be leaving at 12:45 today to head to the hospital for my 1:30 appointment. I think I'll feel pretty tired through Saturday night, but with the right meds and foods, I hope that will be the only problem. Oh, and the hair will be leaving. She also confirmed that Sunday would be a great time to have a shaving party because the hair will most definitely fall out by next Wednesday anyway. So eight people (Kip, Denise, Logan, Cindy, Ken, Mark, Lowell, and me) will gather at Cindy's house on Sunday for kosher Chinese food and the ceremonial shaving of heads, mine and Kip's. Cindy has proposed a rule that if one of the party-goers is NOT shaving his/her head, he/she MUST wear a funny hat. She will be providing the hats. There should be some interesting pictures on Monday!

I truly enjoyed my time with my friend Debbie. She arrived around 5 p.m., and we had a wonderful time talking and eating dinner and even watching a little TV together. She left around 8:30 and I felt uplifted and renewed by her presence. Debbie is a woman who has sent me so many encouraging emails throughout this process, and I can hardly thank her enough for her daily dose of wisdom. Her timing was also great. Instead of sitting around worrying and thinking about the upcoming chemo session, I had other, more positive things to talk about. Thank you, Debbie.

Old friends/New friends; Old weight/New worries.

It's Tuesday, and that means weighing in. Last Tuesday I recapped the right things to do that I have learned, and I resolved to do them, with an eye on mostly trying to keep the weight the same. I was successful, in that I kept my weight the same, 225 again today. For me that is a pretty good accomplishment considering I threw all the "right things to do" out the window after just two days. I wrote everything down last Tuesday and Wednesday and then stopped. I overate at the party on Sunday; I had a mini-binge Saturday night in the house; I ate way too much Chinese food last night. All things considered, I'm pretty ecstatic that I maintained 225 for the week. It's not a good number because it means I gained 7 pounds in a month. On September 16, the morning I headed out for the lumpectomy, I only weighed 219. So, here's an opportunity to try again to stay the same for a week, or maybe lose a little. I'd really LOVE to lose a little, but I will admit that today I do not plan to write everything down. LOL I'm just sayin'!

I'm nervous today because I'm leaving in a few hours to go back to St. Agnes. It's the beginning of the second chemo session with a blood draw, CBC count, and oncology appointment. If the white blood cells are up, then chemo #2 will take place tomorrow. I have a good feeling that the blood count is fine because I've had so few symptoms of any problems this week. I'm worried because I don't know if the second chemo will be the same or worse than the first one. I'm worried that the lidocaine won't numb my skin enough to make puncturing into the port painfree. I'm worried that my bald head will make me sad because this is the week the hair will leave, for sure. Anyway it's really unproductive to worry about these things, so I'll stop. I'll write about the CBC count and any news the oncologist may have either later tonight or tomorrow morning.

Last night's dinner with my school friends was fantastic. Laverne and I have known each other since the seventh grade, 1962. That's a really, really long time with lots of water under the bridge, and yet, I always feel like we can pick up right where we left off! I love that. This is a woman who knows ALL my secrets, and yet still loves me, and I love her. The five of us ate and talked and had a great time. Now that Evey lives in California, I'm really looking forward to seeing her more often than ever, once my treatment is complete. I'm so glad we were all able to have a nice time out together.

Tonight I have a relatively new friend coming over for dinner. I met Debbie about 4 years ago when we were both singing alto in the Central Maryland Chorale. I got to know her even better when we went on the trip to New York to sing in Carnegie Hall in June of 2009. Wow! That was a once-in-a-lifetime trip. She is an RN and has been invaluable to me in posting advice and responses to this blog in private emails. I am thrilled to know her, and I'm so very happy that she has been supporting me through this ordeal. I feel especially honored that she is driving all the way up here this evening to visit and join us for dinner. There will probably be pictures of THAT on tomorrow's blog, along with the oncology report.

Another Interesting Day is in the works.

I want to start off today's blog by saying Happy Day-After Your 88th Birthday to Rusty Mason. He's amazing and an inspiration. We attended his party yesterday at his home, and we were treated to some excellent live music. Rusty has been a professional musician his whole life, so to honor him at his party, many of his jazz musician colleagues and friends (keyboard, 2 violins, 2 guitars, clarinet, string bass, trombone, maracas, several singers) turned out to perform. It was just awe-inspiring to sit there and listen to them improvise so many popular and famous jazz tunes.

Rusty's wife, Chana, has been a member of Mishkan Torah and a member of my choir there for a very long time. That is how I got to know them. She put this party together for her husband, and I could tell she was just having a blast snapping photos all day long! Kudos to you, Chana, for the great party you put together. Another friend of ours and choir member, Nadine, came and sang a song she composed for him. She called it "Rusty's 88" to the tune of "Route 66." She is a professional musician herself, and although she had planned to accompany herself, it was unnecessary. The whole combo backed her up. Unbelievably GREAT!! Rusty was grinning from ear to ear as he listened. It was just a warm, wonderful day. Thanks, Chana, for inviting us to be part of this celebration.

This morning Mark is preparing to go have a day all by himself. I think that's a good thing. He and I have been absolutely together 24/7 for literally months and months. It will be nice for him to drive off to Greenbelt and Bowie on his own to do his own thing for a big chunk of the day, like the "old days." It's also great that he and I both know that my health today is good, and I don't need him here with me every minute.

It has been his tradition since he retired to meet up with some of his former co-workers who are also retired for lunch, one Monday a month. This is the day, so he's driving an hour to Rip's, a very nice restaurant in Bowie, right near the Bowie Bay Sox stadium. He actually took me to that restaurant recently to have lunch and meet one of his co-workers and his wife. We had a lovely time. After he has his lunch, he's going to head to the gym in Greenbelt for his typical Monday workout before heading to Arundel Mills Mall for a little shopping and then back up to Baltimore. I hope he has a great day!

I am going to chill out at home (well, Cindy's home) alone. I have some Thank Yous to write, some paper work I want to update in my medical log book that we are keeping, some reading to do, and some TV to watch. I missed Amazing Race on TV last night, so I'm looking forward to watching that online later. I will also take a nice long walk by myself. Yesterday Mark and I walked 1.6 miles in 40 minutes, not fast, but it's still good. I hope to do the same walk again today, maybe even a little more.

The best part of the day will be tonight. My high school girlfriend Laverne and her husband, Kelly, flew from San Francisco (they live in Sonoma, CA) to BWI yesterday to visit her parents in Laurel. This has been an annual tradition for Laverne for years and years, and even though she is busy with her parents and her brother, she always finds time to visit me. Over the years, Mark and I have taken her to many restaurants in the area for dinner, or sometimes she and I drive out to the Frederick area to visit another mutual school friend, Don, who lives out there. Don has had sheep, goats, donkeys, dogs, and cats over the years, and it's always fun seeing the animals. This year we have a new restaurant to visit. All five of us are meeting at the kosher Chinese restaurant in Pikesville, David Chu's China Bistro. We love it because Mark enjoys the opportunity to eat meat. It's also fun to read a Chinese menu and know that everything on it is a possibility! So at 6:30 tonight, we'll be ordering some delicious, kosher Chinese food! Can't wait. I'm also going to pick up their carry-out menu because we plan to pick up the same kosher food next Sunday for my big head-shaving party!

It's also good to avoid thinking about the rest of the week too much. I'm trying to stay focused and positive that the next chemo session won't be any worse than the first one. There's a chance that it will be the same or better, and there's a chance that it will be worse. There is just no way to know until it happens. You know I'll tell you everything, good and bad!!

I hope everyone who reads this blog is also having a great day today. I never realize who that actually may be on any given day. This morning I got an email from some friends who live in Massachusetts and who I usually see about once a year in the summer. They told me they read the blog and are sending me wishes to "hang in there." I was touched because I didn't even realize they were following this blog. It's humbling to think that I write this, lately in my bathrobe in my little chair in Cindy's living room, and it goes out there into cyberspace, where I really never know who reads it. Every time I get some feedback from someone that they are reading it, I am amazed. I'm not a person who has ever sought an opportunity to be in the limelight (if you don't count conducting hundreds of public school concerts over decades of my career as a music teacher and synagogue choral conductor, LOL), so the thought that so many people read all my innermost thoughts now, and even more shocking to me, actually seem to enjoy it, is mind boggling. Thanks all!

Cool Fall Day

This morning I went out to pick up the paper and felt a definite nip in the air. It had the brisk smell and feel of a beautifully classic fall day. Later it should be in the mid-70s. That's fall for you! Even in Orlando this morning it was in the low 60s and heading to the low 80s. These twenty degree temperature swings are the hallmark of fall and spring weather. I look forward to experiencing this in Orlando in the spring.

I decided to try half a cup of coffee this morning, which I have been eschewing for weeks. It was delicious. Yesterday I also tried an orange Popsicle, orange sugar-free jell-o, and an actual orange; all were equally delicious. Finally I tried tap water. Not exactly delicious, but not as bad as last week. So...what is this telling me? It seems that the weird tastes that I was experiencing last week after the chemo is gone. Perhaps the taste buds were only affected temporarily, but I won't be surprised if it changes again after the second session this coming Wednesday. Maybe it will last longer or settle into some permanency until the whole process is over at the end of January. No real way to know, I guess.

It's Sunday morning, which means Mark is busy making low-carb pancakes. He started doing this several years ago, and they are quite delicious. He makes each of us three pancakes, 190 calories for all three. I have them with three Morningstar veggie sausage links, 120 calories. It's a delicious, low-carb, low calorie, low fat breakfast. I'm going to have it with that other half of the cup of coffee. Hm, hm, good.

We have two main things to do today, and both will be fun. First, we are going to make a list of things that Mark needs to find in the house to bring back up here when he goes. I know it's over a week before he's leaving, but I want to think about this while my brain is still clear. Once I take that second chemotherapy infusion on Wednesday, I'm afraid I'll feel too out of it to think as clearly as I can right now. I also think that this list will just be a start today, and it will be the kind of thing that we'll add on to right up until he leaves on October 25. Second, we are going to a birthday party for a friend. He is turning 88!! Quite an achievement, especially when you consider that he has been battling cancer for several years, and there were times when he and his wife never expected him to see this birthday. It will be an honor to attend.

Well, there was a gap of about an hour between the last paragraph and this paragraph. I have eaten my delicious Sunday morning pancake breakfast. I love the way the house smells when pancakes have been cooked. It reminds me of my childhood when my grandmother made all sorts of delicious smells in the kitchen, often on a Sunday morning. We also made the first round of the list. Mostly it consists of winter coats, boots, sweaters, and other winter gear. UGH! These are things we did not expect to use again for a long while.

Arlene mentioned to me at shul yesterday that she could tell from the blog that I was feeling better. Something about the writing style and topics I choose alert her to my health status. I found that interesting because I didn't notice it at all. She's probably right! I hope that as chemo progresses I can still find the energy and mental acuity to write a coherent blog entry each day. Last night, I read the chapter on "chemo brain" in the book The Breast Cancer Husband. The author said that loss of mental acuity is a documented effect of chemotherapy. Women do not perform as well on cognitive tests during and after chemo than women not on chemotherapy. He warns husbands not to get angry when their wives don't remember things like before. Women often forget where they put objects or what her husband just told her to do or that she already told him yesterday to do something. Men should not take it personally or feel that she is not trying or listening. It is a recognized phenomenon. Gee, can't wait! If you read a blog someday in the future which seems to make no sense or covers things I just wrote about the day before, well, you'll know I'm a victim of "chemo brain." Cut me some slack!

Shul, Pool, Walking, Baseball, and Marmaduke

The title just about covers my day. We went to the synagogue first thing this morning., and I had a great time. No one had seen my short haircut yet, so they were all amazed. Everyone always says it looks really great, but I just told them not to get too happy about it since it will be gone the next time they see me. If the next chemo session goes the same as the first, I'll feel too icky next week to go to shul, but the week after, I'll be back. It would be great to go every other week through this whole process. I really enjoyed singing all the prayers and chatting with my friends. It's hard to explain how uplifting both the prayers and the chatting can be.

Mark went to the gym next. He didn't actually use the pool this time; he just used the weight room. I sat in the car reading Eat, Pray, Love. My sister loaned me the book. I'm almost done the first section, which is the eating part in Italy. It's an enjoyable, easy read so far, but my sister didn't like it after the Italian part. I'll have to see how I feel about it. I hope to see the Julia Robert's movie version when I finish.

When we got home, we had lunch and then took a walk. I was tired by then, so I didn't quite make it as far as yesterday. I did 31 minutes today, five shorter than yesterday. That's still OK. At least we went out there and did something.

After the walk, Mark put the Yankee/Rangers ball game on the TV and promptly fell asleep. I put on this week's episode of The Biggest Loser on my laptop and watched it and the game at the same time. Mark woke up after a few innings and watched it intently. We are rooting for the Yankees in this series and the Giants in the National League series. I think it would be fun to have both coasts in the World Series!

Tonight we will continue our new tradition up here of watching Solivita's Thursday night movie on Saturday night by renting it on iTunes. This week's movie was Marmaduke, so I already have it on my laptop ready to go after dinner. It's probably a really stupid, mind-rotting movie, but I think it's just what I'm in the mood for tonight.

Sorry that this was such a really boring blog. I really had nothing profound to say today. It was just a lovely, ordinary Shabbat day. Maybe that is profound all by itself.

Insurance Rant

This morning, as we do every morning, Mark and I watched Good Morning America. Today, Chris Cuomo reported on an insurance company that denied a claim for a newborn baby, saying the baby's condition was pre-existing. HUH? The baby was born with the problem. Short version is that the parents called GMA and asked for help. Once the cavalry rode in, the insurance company agreed that it was a mistake and that the baby's medical bills would be covered.

The report ended with a reminder to everyone to check their Explanation of Benefits forms when they arrive. Be sure you check that the coverage you are paying for is being provided, and never assume the insurance company is right. The report came right out and said that it is common for insurance companies to deny things that they KNOW they are supposed to pay. Complaints against insurance companies for wrongfully denying coverage are common and well-known to consumer experts. It was reported that it is to the insurance companies benefit to try to save money by denying things. Unless the consumer calls them on this, they get away with it.

Mark and I sat there with our jaws dropping because for the first time anywhere we were hearing in public what we have been saying to each other and to anyone who would listen for years. Our insurance company denies payment for covered services about 50% of the time. When our Explanation of Benefits forms come in, we go over them with a fine-toothed comb. Often they say we did not turn in the proper referral. This is never the case. We always have the referrals. It sometimes means calling the doctor's office back and asking where it went. Sometimes it involves multiple phone calls before someone in some office admits the referral is there but wasn't sent, was overlooked, was not inputted correctly, whatever little excuse they can come up with at the time. Sometimes the mistake is on the part of the doctor's office who originally took the form, and sometimes it is on the part of the insurance company who somehow miraculously finds the referral when you call them on it.

Which brings me to my latest insurance round. Yesterday, I received several Explanation of Benefits. One was for the surgeon who performed my partial mastectomy, node dissection, and ventral hernia repair on September 16. It was covered 100%. A second was for the anaesthesiologist who administered anaesthesia to me during that exact same surgery. It was paid at Level 2, in network but without a referral, 85%. HUH?

This morning I called the insurance company and was informed that although I had referrals on file for the surgeon, I did not have one specifically to the hospital itself. HUH? I have had lots of surgeries, sadly, over the years, both in and out patient. Never have I been asked to turn one in to the facility itself. Once the referral goes to the surgeon and says evaluate and TREAT, the treatment, if it is surgery, has been covered, including the facility and any other attending doctors. Now this is not the case, apparently. The nice lady at my insurance company informed me that I could still have my primary care doctor fax them a referral for the hospital facility today. I called the primary care office and my doctor's assistant was very helpful and said she would get it done right away. They are always so nice there, but even she was mystified by this. She was as surprised as we were that this was necessary. She could see in my file the many, many referrals that have gone out there. August 19 I gave one to the St Agnes Breast Cancer Center for the multi-disciplinary team meeting and 99 visits to radiation and oncology to treat my invasive lobular carcinoma of the left breast. That visit was covered 100%. I thought that was the big umbrella referral for everything, but apparently not. I now have on file one specifically to the radiation oncologist and to the medical oncologist, 99 visits each. When I was called by the hospital for the pre-registration for the surgery, I asked them if everything was in order and they said yes. I guess we were all misinformed.

To me it seems that the insurance companies perpetrate fraud knowingly and often get away with it. People do not look at these Explanation of Benefits forms enough or question them. Then bills arrive from doctors, and people pay them, assuming they owe them. It's a racket.

Our advice to everyone is be diligent. Check your benefits, be aware of levels of coverage, advocate for yourself. At the end of this year my retirement office is dropping this insurance company, and I will be selecting one of two new plans, both offered from a different big insurer. We also will be selecting from among a wide variety of plans offered by the federal government through Mark. I don't know if the next companies will be better or not, but I will not miss this one at all.

Compromise and Thnking outside the Box

I have been agonizing over the decision about whether to go to Florida or not for quite some time now. There are things that need to be done down there: fix Mark's car, take back the summer shorts and t-shirts, bring back winter coats and boots, bring back the Christmas presents already purchased. I really want those things to get done, but I have really been afraid of the long trip and the time away. It might be somewhat irrational, but I have not spoken to anyone who traveled during chemotherapy. I have heard of women who worked as regularly as they could, but not many really just travel 900 miles away from their medical team. When I asked my oncologist if I could do this, she was non-committal. After all, we are grown-ups. She can't exactly FORBID it, but she would not come out and endorse it. She warned us of all the things that could happen like sudden fever onset, trips to the ER, possible blood transfusions, and potential changes in the chemo schedule that make locking in travel plans difficult. She told us to be sure to know where the nearest cancer center was, have a plan to find an oncologist if needed, and know how to get to the ER. In short, she scared the daylights out of me.

Yesterday, when Mark and I were driving around for 6 hours doing our various errands, we started rehashing all of this. Should we? Shouldn't we? When? How? Auto train rooms on the best three dates are already sold out. Flying? I don't have a compression sleeve yet. Is it safe? Am I being foolish? Selfish? Silly? Crazy? I don't know. I don't know. My head is in a whirl.

Suddenly, Mark came up with the brilliant compromise. He really does think out of the box sometimes. It's probably what made him so great at NASA all those years. He said, "I could fly down by myself, rent a car at the airport, go home and take care of things, then take the auto train back up, and return the car at BWI. I'll just be gone five days."

It stopped me in my tracks with its simplicity. OF COURSE YOU CAN!! That's brilliant. It takes care of all of my needs. I need to have those things done, but I need to stay here. This way I have a car here, also, so if I need or want to go somewhere, I can. It will be during a week when Cindy is here all week, so every morning and night she's right here checking up on me. It will be during the week after the second chemo, when I should feel as strong and healthy as I do this week. It's brilliant.

The added bonus is that Mark can also have a little fun at Disney, too. He had wanted to go to the Magic Kingdom Halloween Party and to the Epcot Food and Wine Festival. He would have liked me to participate in those as well, but I knew it would be hard. I would have had to rent a power scooter to get around because I didn't think I could endure that much walking, and I wasn't sure I wanted to eat all that food anyway. This way he has to have this fun all by himself, but gee, I think he'll manage. LOL

The Best Breast Cancer Husband

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, someone (sorry, can't remember who) recommended a book to Mark. It is called Breast Cancer Husband by Marc Silver (somewhat ironic?). His wife, Marsha, was diagnosed in 2001, shortly before the Twin Towers fell, and he published his book in 2003. It is designed to help the newly diagnosed HUSBAND navigate his way through all of this strangeness. There are so many books and online resources for women, but there was not much out there for men. The husbands are an integral part of the whole process, so Mr. Silver's book was quite the new, honest look at it from their perspective.

The book sounded intriguing to me, and wanting to keep Mark up on the latest, I thought he might want to read it. I downloaded it on my Kindle in early September. Although Mark has not shown the slightest interest in reading it, I have been fascinated. I'm more than halfway through it already. Since the author is from the Baltimore-Washington, D.C. area, it is interesting to see him referencing hospitals and places that I know well. His writing style is easy, genuine, and full of anecdotes and interviews with other wives and husbands suddenly thrust into this unfamiliar tangle of medical information.

I have confirmed several things in this book that I have already encountered. First, I loved his remark about the taste of water. He basically said that essentially no one can taste the metals that are in ordinary water except the chemo woman! How true! I discovered the nasty taste of the tap water in this house about a week ago. One night I took a sip and thought it was the most disgusting thing EVER. I went for a few days drinking only tea before we had a chance to buy some bottled water. I find that Deer Park water is OK so far, but Marc Silver's wife could only tolerate distilled water, which literally has nothing in it at all. If the Deer Park turns funny in my mouth, I'm all for sending Mark out for the distilled variety.

Second, it confirmed for me how common it is for women to cut their hair and/or shave their heads pro-actively, although he does say the loss happens sooner than my chemo nurse said it would. His book says that Adriamycin will cause hair loss 10 to 12 days after the first infusion, but my chemo nurse said one week after the second infusion. That's quite a difference in time. I already chickened out of doing it last Sunday because it just seemed too early. If I thought it was going to be in 10 to 12 days, I might have done it. On the other hand, the people who are infusing me see this happen all the time. I bet they have it timed perfectly. Now I'm starting to think I will shave on October 24. That will be just one or two days before it should start anyway. I have put an email out to Kip and Denise, inviting them back for a shaving party on that day. Meanwhile my head is tingling and itching almost constantly. I had read online that the week before the hair follicles die there is a lot of sensation on the scalp. I just don't think the hair follicles die off without a little protest first. Maybe my hair will not last until October 24, but if that's the case, then it will fall out on its own.

Third, it is inspiring to read about other people's experiences and know that there is hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, an end to the torture, and a future. I found many similar stories online by myself, but I never tire of reading them. They get me through this.

Fourth, I actually did three things before chemotherapy started that are important. I had my annual dental exam and cleaning, got a flu shot, and had a pedicure. These are things that really can't happen for awhile after chemo starts, so I'm glad I thought to do all of these things right before. Mr. Silver and many doctors recommend taking care of other routine health issues prior to chemo since it's just so hard to do anything like that afterwards.

Finally, and most important, I have learned that my husband, Mark, is the BEST breast cancer husband in the world, or at least up there with the very best mentioned in the book. He has by instinct done everything that this author is encouraging husbands to do. He is taking an active role in my care by attending every doctor's appointment, taking notes, asking questions, being a sounding board without judging, taking care of routine household chores (which he basically did anyway! Way to go, Mark!), and putting his own life on hold with me as we go through this chapter of our married life together. I could not ask for more. He really doesn't need to read this book after all.

Weigh-in, It's been awhile.

Tuesday has been my official weigh-in day for about a year and a half. It has fallen into infrequent use since I retired and since I received my cancer diagnosis. Yet, today is Tuesday, and I did weigh myself, 225 pounds.

That's not a good number for me. It does not represent a 100 pound loss anymore. I started on Obama's Inauguration Day, so we are coming up on two years. I went from 322 to 295 by April of 2009. When I met Dr. Falcao the first time for the original ventral/umbilical hernia surgery evaluation, he scared me into losing a lot of weight fairly quickly. I went from 295 in April to 220 on November 2, 2009 for that surgery. Obviously, I was doing a lot of things right. I have mentioned what those things were many, many times in this blog...
1. writing it all down,
2. keeping calories to 1200-1500 per day,
3. walking and other exercise,
4. eating 3 good meals and planned snacks, no mindless grazing,
5. using resources like Hungry Girl and other recipes to keep meals interesting,
6. weighing in only once a week and keeping track of the weight by writing it in a log book,
7. joining and using online resources to help keep focused,
8. starting the blog.

This worked so very well for months and months, and I achieved a low weight of 205 in February of 2010. That represented a total loss of 117 pounds at that point. Then I left work at the end of that month; on March 2 Mark and I took off for our 7 week vacation. This involved lots of eating in restaurants and buffets on the cruise ship. Although I tried for a long while to control what I ate in those situations, it is not the thing I do best. I had not taken my scale on the trip, nor had I taken the log book to write any foods down. I stopped exercising as much, no place or time every day for a long walk. When we returned from the trip, I had gained 15 pounds. Whoa! Not unexpected, but frustrating.

So I tried to start over. I lost a few of those pounds. If you re-read old blogs from the spring, you can read all about that frustrating time. Then we sold the house, bought a house, moved, got cancer. Wow! Talk about roadblocks to success! I have difficulty controlling eating at the best of times; at the worst of times it is how I deal with stress. This is not a good time for me. The doctors have actively discouraged me from keeping calories too low right now because it is too stressful for the body to restrict calories and undergo surgeries and chemo at the same time.

The best thing I can do for myself now is control the eating without restricting the calories. A healthy diet of three good meals and planned, healthy snacks, coupled with walking for exercise, as I can do it, is what I need to do now. I need to start writing down the foods again, even if the calorie counts are more like 2000 a day, a maintenance level.

Unfortunately, I am not doing that. I haven't written anything down at all for months and months. My log book is in Florida. Hm...purposely self-sabotaging myself by not bringing it? Who knows. I can get a new book easily enough. That's not an excuse.

Well, today is a new day. I have eaten a big bowl of high fiber cereal (actually three types of cereal blended together) because of my new fear of constipation. I haven't measured the cereal or thought about how many calories I consumed in cereal. That is already not a good way to start the day. I have paper, so I could estimate and write it down. I think I will. I'll try to write down all my meals today. Baby steps.

I'm feeling so much better today than I have been since chemo started. I am encouraged that this week will probably be a good one, so that should help me keep more control over the eating. I'll give it a try this week. I'll make a sincere effort to get back to better habits. I'll try to maintain the 225 pounds for this week. Who knows? I'll weigh in next Tuesday, and we'll see. Maybe I'll even lose a pound! Wouldn't that be nice.

Turning the corner

Yesterday I definitely turned a corner in the chemo process. It was the first day that I didn't take any anti-nausea drugs. I didn't take any today either. YAY!! I also walked 24 minutes around the neighborhood and felt pretty good doing it. Whoee!! Definitely turning the corner.

This morning my sister Cindy handed me a chunk of the Baltimore Sun paper from over a week ago, dedicated to breast cancer articles. I found one article particularly interesting. It was about the power of positive thinking. Guess what? There is no proof that keeping positive thoughts or trying to feel upbeat helps. There is some evidence that it helps for heart conditions and HIV, but that's all. There is no particular evidence or studies that show it helps in breast cancer recovery or other cancers. In fact, the article went so far as to say that asking women to keep a cheery, upbeat outlook is just another burden placed on them during an already difficult time. Asking them to feel good when they don't and making them feel that somehow those feelings will be responsible for their cure or demise is just not fair. Yeah, I agree. People feel how they feel at any given time. It's hard to tell people not to feel something.

Today I feel good. I'm feeling more positive than I have for awhile. I'm not trying to feel that way on purpose; it's just happening. I think that's good, but I sure don't want to beat myself up if next week I feel bad or sad or depressed. It just is. It just will be. I know that.

Meanwhile I had a great time last night with Kip, Denise, and Logan. Mark made a spectacular vegetarian chili because October is National Chili Month. Denise brought salad fixings and baked some corn bread. Oh, I do really love hot corn bread. We had a nice visit and a great meal. Denise also had made me a pink hat for when my hair falls out. It's so cute, soft, and warm. I'm almost looking forward to the hair falling out so I can wear the hat!! Thanks!

UPDATED: Good times Bad times and Blogging on Breast Cancer

Yesterday started out really well. The weather was nice. I took a little walk. I visited with friends. My sister came home for a little while after a week, so we got to catch up on things. Then the bad times started.

My old friend, constipation, decided to revisit. I suffered with that for over six hours. Long night, but it's over now. I just had a big bowl of high fiber cereal for breakfast. Hopefully that will help today.

Our plan today is to go to the local little mall called The Rotunda. Mark is going to get his flu shot, and I want to buy some flavored water, non-carbonated. I hope that will give me some more variety in what to drink. I'll also get plain bottled water as well. Originally we were going to go to the movies, but we have decided to wait until tomorrow for that.

I have decided not to shave my head today. It's too soon. I cannot face losing the rest of my hair yet. I am just getting used to this little hair cut. I sure did get lots of good advice yesterday, and I thank everyone for that. It really did help me to decide. My brother and sister-in-law will still come over for dinner, and she is bringing me a hat that she made. I'll post a picture of me in my new hat tomorrow!

As for the trip to Florida by auto-train, that may have resolved itself because the roommettes seem to be sold out. I do not want to sit in coach, so if there is no separate room available on any of the dates that work for us, then there is no more discussion of that. We could, of course, drive down, but I really don't think I'm up for that. I am more afraid of being gone, away from my oncologist and hospital, than I am of wanting the time in Florida. I don't know how Mark feels, probably not the same way; however, I really would not have wanted to have spent the night I just did here in the house in a train bathroom. EWWW!! That would have been just awful.

Once again, I'm looking forward to a good day. I am trying to keep my spirits up. Everyone says a positive attitude is important. I couldn't agree more, but it's not always easy to do. I have to say that the comments and emails do help me keep my spirits up. Thanks to everyone!

I have revisited today's post, so Rhonda, and maybe some others have already read it for today and will miss this extra part. I just noticed on my calendar that today was listed as a day to blog about Breast Cancer. I had seen some post about that a long time ago and put it on my calendar. I had already had my diagnosis at the time, but not anything else yet. At this point, I blog about breast cancer virtually every day, so it doesn't seem like it's much of an effort to add more to it.

Breast Cancer SUCKS!! That's what I have to say. I feel sorry for myself that I'm going through this, and I feel sorry for all the women out there, like my support friend Rhonda and others on the Cancer Care Support network, who have to go through this. They are a strong, strong group of ladies. I know that there are some women out there who can say that it has made them a better person. I am definitely NOT there yet. Maybe at the other end of this year long tunnel I can say that. Maybe when I'm standing up at my daughter's wedding next fall and feeling strong and healthy again, maybe then I can say it has made me a better person. Not now. Right now I feel like I was a happy person who had done some good things in life and was ready to move onto a new, exciting chapter in Florida as a happy retiree. Instead I am sick and living in my sister's house in Baltimore. My own, new, beautiful home sits unused and alone. I don't look like myself. I don't feel like myself. I don't act like myself. It's not fair. I know that life isn't fair. Oh my, I know I said that thousands of times to students over the years when they were whining about not wanting to do something. I even probably said it to my kids. I just don't think I ever said it to myself. I think I felt like I have had a pretty good life. All my dreams seemed to come true. Now I'm off the track. The dream is on hold. Not fair, just the facts. I can't change it. I have to do this. I have to trust the doctors to take care of me and offer me the best chance for a cure and years of healthy life with my family and friends. That's what all the breast cancer women out there do. They just do it the best way they possibly can. They are a very strong group of women. I am one of them now, and if I can be as strong as they are, then I am in good company.

Coffee cake without the coffee.

Yesterday around 5 p.m. when our friends John and Bev were about to leave, we were all standing on the front porch. The weather was sunny and warm, and I was enjoying the sweet scent of the air. Just then a big Fed Ex truck pulled up in front of the house. The man jumped out carrying a small box and came up the walk. He said, "Becky Silverstein?" I said, "That's me." He handed me the box and took off.

It was a Grandma's Apple Coffee Cake from my good friend Ellen up in Buffalo, NY. Wow! Thanks, Ellen! It looks absolutely scrumptious, but unfortunately coffee no longer agrees with me. I'll be having my coffee cake later today with tea instead. I think that will still work! Around 2 p.m. my former music teacher co-workers, Chantel and Kim, are coming for a little visit. You can bet we'll be eating Grandma's Apple Coffee Cake courtesy of Ellen.

It's funny how my tastes are changing. I was warned that the taste buds can be affected by the chemo. So far I have lost the taste for coffee (so very sad), orange Popsicles (my favorite flavor), orange seltzer water, my sister's tap water, and anything too cold. Weird. Tomorrow I hope to be up for a little shopping trip to buy some bottled water. We bought a lot of tea bags because I mostly had herbal teas here, and they are now off limits. I have Earl Gray, which I still love. It's the only drink I can tolerate right now. I love it, but it's getting boring. I need to find some other drinks that I enjoy because I still need to get that 2 quarts of liquid in every day. I also have the teas that my friend Cathy from NC sent. They still taste good, especially the Ginger Pear decaf. Still, it's hard to get 2 quarts of liquid in with just hot tea. UGH. Any one have any suggestions?

Now I'm waffling on the head-shaving and the trip to Florida. I'm getting scared. I'm feeling wimpy.

We are planning to have a head-shaving party tomorrow. My brother Kip is all in for that. He and his wife Denise are planning to come over with razors, shavers, shave cream, towels, and cameras for the festivities at 5:30 tomorrow. It's what I said I wanted. Now that it's getting close, I'm getting scared.

We also planned to leave for Florida on the auto train the Saturday after my second chemo treatment. I'm rethinking that because I'm worried about my white cell counts, possible exposures to infections, nausea on the train, hair falling out or stubble itching or something else head-related! Is this crazy? Am I worrying too much? I don't know. I've never had to undergo anything like this.

So many women have young children to raise, jobs to go to, houses to clean, chores to do. How do they manage? I should not allow myself to get too self-absorbed and think too hard about every little feeling. Maybe it's better to plunge all in, shave my head and book those train tickets. Full speed ahead! On the other hand...

I'd love any opinions anyone cares to share.

No Pain

I am flying high this morning because so far no bone pain or achiness from the Neulasta shot. Whoee! That's awesome. I guess it could still happen later today, but so far so good.

I had a great time watching TV with Lowell and enjoying dinner with him. I felt pretty good last night all in all. I think I'm turning a corner. The bad days following chemo are only supposed to last about three or four days. I expect to feel pretty good by tomorrow. In fact I'm hoping to feel good enough today to have some visitors later, and I hope to have a nice little walk through the neighborhood as well. I'm supposed to walk as much as possible.

I got a lovely email letter from my daughter's future mother-in-law, Leslie, today. She is such a wonderful woman! She enjoys the blog, and her kind comments always make me feel good about writing it. She is also willing to take on the task of working with Evey's Maid of Honor Dana to plan and host a bridal shower at her house next summer. I am so blessed! I know I could not have done that for Evey because of the length of this treatment. It would just overwhelm me. I cannot thank Leslie and Dana enough for taking on this task with such gusto! Thank you both from the bottom of my heart. With the two of you planning and hosting, I know Evey will have the best bridal shower EVER!!

another run to the hospital

I felt queasy when I went to bed and queasy when I woke up. I took the Emend and Decodran for anti-nausea, but they don't seem to help. Or maybe they help a lot. Maybe things could be worse. I felt very tired and very queasy all morning.

Despite that I went out and took a nice walk around my sister's block, about 13 minute slow walk, maybe 1/3 of a mile. I actually sang a song, "Memory" from Cats, one of my favorites. I didn't sing loud or well, but singing at all is something I haven't done in months. It made me feel more like me when I sang.

I figured out a way to keep track of my liquid intake. I have to have 2-3 quarts of liquid every day to keep flushing the chemicals out of my body. I took out 12 mah jongg tiles from the set Denise brought me from China. I put them on the window sill next to a clear jar I found in Cindy's cabinet. Every time I drink a glass of something, I drop a tile into the jar until I have had enough liquid. At this point I have had 6 glasses of liquid. Not bad, but a few more to go for the day.

We went to the hospital for my Neulasta shot. This is supposed to keep my blood count up by stimulating the bone marrow to make more blood. The nurse said about half the patients don't feel anything and half get flu like achy symptoms and bone pain. I am praying that I'm in the half that doesn't feel anything. Is that too much to ask?

While I was there, they took my blood pressure and I was thrilled to see that it was much more normal, 138 over 65. Yeah. That's good. I also mentioned that I was feeling constantly queasy so they immediately called the doctor and showed up with prescriptions for two more meds to add to the list. One is Zofran (Ondansetron HCL) 8 mg, 1 every 8 hours. I took one at 3:45 p.m. as soon as I got it. I think it's actually helping. It's about 45 minutes later, and I think I feel less queasy.

The other drug seemed scary so I'm not going to take it until I hear from my personal pharmacist, Barbara, to give me an "OK" on all this stuff. It seems like I have a lot of drugs going in here, and no one talks about whether they are all going to mix happily together. The other one is called Reglan (Metoclopramide) 1o mg, 1 every 6 hours. It came with a label that says read the FDA Black Box Warning label. Ha ha. That sounds ominous. It also said don't stop or discontinue until directed by doctor. So I'm thinking about not starting it! Barb, what do you think?

It's Thursday, and Lowell is coming over. It's becoming our weekly tradition that he joins us for dinner and some TV episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I rather like this tradition.

One down, Seven to go.

This seemed like a much longer day than I expected, also. Seems like that's happening to me a lot lately.

We left at 7:15 a.m. for our 8 a.m. appointment. We thought there would be an hour of training, then two hours of meds, so three hours, out the door at 11 a.m. Well, no, that's not how it went.

They did start talking to me at 8. They are good and prompt at St. Agnes. I'll give them that. The first thing they had to do was access the port. It was still under a large, clear plastic bandage with a bulls eye drawn on it and steri strips above where the incision was. We all thought the bulls eye was where the nurse should aim the shot, but the first nurse did not think it was there. She poked and rolled the skin around looking for it. The site is sore and swollen still, having been installed only yesterday. She thought she found it, but she brought another nurse over to try, and then a third nurse. Finally they all agreed where it was, not near the bulls eye.

Next problem was the numbing. I had brought a prescription cream that I was told was to numb up the area before inserting the needle through the skin. Well, no one mentioned that it had to be applied one hour before they needed to insert the needle. Now it was too late to use it today, so they decided to freeze it with an ice bag. I hate ice bags, but I was a good girl and held it in place for awhile through my shirt. That didn't satisfy them, so they made me put it on a paper towel on the skin. Still not good enough, so right on the skin it went. I got pretty cold, but it worked. They said pushing the one inch long needle in there would be the hardest thing I had to do all day, but they lied. I felt NOTHING. Either I was so frozen or they were so good that I did not feel a thing. It was fast and easy. Thank God!! One hurdle over.

Charlie, a nine year survivor of cancer, volunteers in the chemo treatment room, so he plied me with drinks and food. I took a hot tea with sugar and a glass of water. Later I had another round of that, followed by another water, and a glass of coke. Plenty of liquid by mouth plus the saline IV, so there were several trips to the bathroom. LOL

Once the port was accessed, the first step was to draw blood out for CBC. That took about 45 minutes to get the results, and during that time the nurse went over lots and lots of information about the whole process, the drugs, the side effects, general procedures, etc. I now have another huge notebook to carry around and read. They are very thorough at this place, for sure. When the labs came back good, I was allowed to take the first oral pill, Emend, for nausea. That was at 9:10. That is to be taken about an hour before the chemo drugs start, so they administered IV saline and another pre-med for nausea. The drip took about 20 or 30 minutes. The nurse did more talking. I did more trips to the bathroom.

Finally around 10ish, the Red Devil was given. This is the Adriamycin, but it's bright red, comes in three large syringes that the nurse has to push by hand into the port. It took about 30 minutes to do that one. By then my tummy was growling a bit, so Volunteer Charlie brought me Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers and more water. Yum.

Next came the Cytoxan. It's a clear drug that goes in by itself as a drip. It takes about an hour. While I was finishing that one up, I began to feel very, very sleepy. I had been trying to do puzzles, but I could not focus. I felt so out of it. When the drip was done, the nurse checked my blood pressure. 80 over 43, worse than in the hospital. So they loaded up another saline bag and brought me lunch, since it was now almost noon. I got a delicious bowl of homemade vegetable soup, a tuna salad sandwich, and a bag of chips. This is when the real Coke appeared because the nurse thought I needed the caffeine, too. At first it was just too much effort to sit up and pick up the spoon for the soup, or to hold the sandwich. I could manage a small bite and then laid back in the chair with my eyes shut. Mark and the nurse kept reminding me to eat. Little by little, I ate it all and I could tell that i was more alert and feeling better. They took my blood pressure again and it was 114 over 55, so the nurse was happy and disconnected me from the IV. She flushed the port and took the access needle out. I was sent home at about 12:20. A long session.

Unfortunately my trauma for the day was not over. First thing in the morning at the house, I realized I was constipated again. I didn't have time at home to keep trying because we had to go to the hospital. At the hospital I tried and tried to be successful every time I went to urinate. No luck. I was starting to feel in pain, depressed, and upset again. We left the hospital and drove down the street to Subway. I had been given a great lunch, but Mark didn't get one. He got his usual salad and I got a bottle of water and another bag of chips. I felt ok eating it, but I was worried about the constipation. After Mark ate, we walked next door to the Giant and bought a few things, including a soft toothbrush and salt for oral hygiene if I get mouth sores, Immodium AD in case I get diarrhea (seems ironic today), stool softeners (which I will take immediately on getting home), and some other normal grocery items. We got home at 2:45.

Mark was exhausted and immediately fell asleep on the couch. I tried to sleep on the chair, but I was unsuccessful. The constipation dragged me into the bathroom several times. My stomach is queasy so I took the Ativan at 3:15 since that's the only thing I have here that I'm allowed to take today for nausea. It also makes you tired and drowsy. About 5 p.m. when I was sweaty, feeling sick to my stomach, and screaming in pain in the bathroom again, I went upstairs and did the other Fleets enema that Mark had bought back from the other surgery. It was difficult to do and seemed to take a long time to work, but it was successful. I felt much, much better afterwards. I also felt drained of all energy, woozy, queasy, and somewhat unhappy. Typing this blog seems to be a lot of effort. In fact it has been written in stages with long naps between sentences sometimes.

I have to go back tomorrow at 1:30 for the Neulasta shot. It has to be given 24 hours after the chemo ends. I'm not looking forward to it. The nurse said it will be OK when I first get it, but that night or the next day I will feel achy all over like I have the flu. That's the bone marrow working on overtime to produce new blood cells. I'm allowed to take ibuprofen or even Percoset if it gets too bad. Can't wait to add that feeling to the queasy, sick, tired feelings I already have.

Mark took pictures of me in the chair and the plan is to put some of those pictures here. Hopefully it worked and you are seeing them.