No one to be mad at but myself

I weighed myself last Sunday before we left for our trip to Orlando. I weighed myself this morning now that we are home. There really is no one to be mad at but myself. I'm the one that ate...and ate...and ate. I gained three pounds on this trip despite all the walking I did. It's so easy to convince yourself that the walking will take care of the eating, but that is really not always the case. I don't have to write this number down since only Tuesday morning weigh-ins are official in my journal, but I did not like seeing that number. Also it's mildly amusing to note that the same number which can make you so happy on the way down can make you so mad when they are coming back on the way up. I was 219.7 last Sunday and 221.9 this morning. I was extremely excited when I hit 222 because it represented a 100 pound loss. Now it represents a 2.7 pound gain for the week. Well, I need to get back on track today. Tomorrow morning it counts! Unfortunately, last Tuesday was a great number, 218.7, although what the scale said in the hotel bathroom is suspicious. I had a hard time getting the same number twice; still that's the number I wrote in the journal. Now, I have to hope for a miracle to drop nearly four pounds by tomorrow morning, or this week will go down as a gain. There have not been too many weeks that went down as gains, but it won't be the first. It means I have to regain the focus. I need to find my motivation again and get back to the new habits I'm trying to build. There really is no one to be mad at but myself.

Another challenge is that today I am going to eat lunch out with two dear friends. I let them pick the restaurant. It should be a great one, and it will be tempting to overeat. At least they both know I'm dieting, so that should keep me honest!

Travel Eating Troubles

I have really enjoyed my trip to Orlando to visit Evey. I got to watch her work and treat injured athletes on the soccer field. That was such a joy; however, I have not managed my food very well the last few days. I had planned to eat a lot at Thanksgiving dinner at the Golden Corral buffet, and I certainly did follow through on that plan. I estimated that I ate nearly 3000 calories just at dinner. Oh my it tasted good, but I had not felt that overfull feeling in a long time. Evey tried to remind me that it just doesn't feel that great. Of course, she's right.

Sadly, it also meant that I continued to overdo it on the next day as well. I can't tell exactly how the weight is going, except that I'm sure it's going UP. The scale is being erratic on the bathroom floor of our hotel room. It showed me an EIGHT pound spread this morning. Am I down three since Thanksgiving morning? Not likely. Am I up five? Probably. UGH. I just came back up to the room after having breakfast at the hotel, and I ate a bit more than I had planned. I had some scrambled eggs, a bowl of grits, some sliced canned peaches, and some strawberry yogurt (not sugar free or fat free, I'm quite sure.) That's probably around 500 calories, more than twice as many as my usual breakfast. Lunch will be the Subway salads we bought in advance yesterday and put in our refrigerator, so that's the 190 I often have. Dinner will be my usual tilapia dinner at Denny's for 750. Tonight on the train I will eat a banana. So today won't be too bad, but it will come to about 1570. I can do a bunch of walking at the Disney Wide World of Sports Complex again today when we go watch Evey work baseball. Yesterday she did soccer. It was just amazing to watch her calmly treat the middle-school aged boys who had ankle injuries. Awesome.

The thing that really worries me is how easy it is to slip back into the bad habits. I have to think ahead to our 42 day vacation in March and April. We will be on a cruise ship for 30 days and eating a buffet breakfast every one of those days. I had better learn to put less on my breakfast plate at that buffet than I have done at this buffet. I also need to stick to the three-bite rule on desserts, or better yet, not take them every night. Last night Mark and I had a great dinner at a fancy restaurant called Paradiso 37 at Pleasure Island in Downtown Disney. We ordered a peach Empanada dessert. It came with eight separate little pieces and two dipping sauces. Mark ate his three pieces. I ate the other five. And I used up most of the dipping sauces. Totally unnecessary. I couldn't stop myself. Jeez. New habits are hard to form, and hard to stick to, but it's so easy to slip back into the old habits.

Good times

Our day in the Magic Kingdom and the Disney Hollywood Studios was great yesterday. It only rained for a little while, so it didn't interfere with our fun. We walked, and walked, and walked, and walked, well, you get the picture. Exercise yesterday was not a problem. I ate about 2300 calories, but still dropped almost another pound. This morning I was 217.6. I am excited about flying out of the teens and getting into single digits. Before you know it, I'll be under 200 and I really DO believe this is possible! Not only possible, but REALLY going to HAPPEN!!

Today it is pouring down rain, gray, and miserable out. We have adjusted our plans to stay in the hotel all day. I walked on the treadmill in the exercise room for 37 minutes, went one and a half miles, and burned 111 calories. That will have to be it for exercise today. The temperatures are predicted to drop into the thirties tonight, which is unusual for this time of year in Orlando.

I hope everyone who is reading this blog has a wonderful holiday tomorrow.

In theTeens!

It's Tuesday morning, and that means the official weigh-in is here. I'm officially in the teens: 218.7. I'm so excited.

We had a great day yesterday with our daughter. The suite is beautiful, and Evey is staying here for three nights. I took pictures of Mark and Evey in the pool. We also had a great dinner at Raglan Road Irish restaurant at Downtown Disney. I had salmon with asparagus, left off the maple glaze. I also had a delicious, expensive Irish whiskey, a few bites of Irish soda bread, a few bites of smoked haddock appetizer, and a few bites of a wonderful dessert that was raspberries, ice cream, and a meringue topping. There was live music and an Irish dancer entertaining us as we ate. The day was just so much fun!

We also had time for some shopping before dinner. The World of Disney is such an amazing store. Evey literally squealed with delight when she saw a purse/bag in black and white that she had wanted, but she couldn't find it anywhere anymore. She was only seeing brown and white ones, but those are not her colors. So naturally Daddy had to buy it for her for an early Hanukkah present. I found a new pocketbook! That was also exciting because I have been looking for an over-the-shoulder Disney purse for years. Plus Mark got the new winter coffee brews he wanted. Shopping at Downtown Disney is more fun than anywhere else.

Because I was so exhausted from having almost no sleep on the train and such a busy day, I did not make it though "Castle" on the TV. I fell asleep and had a great night's sleep. The hotel bed is really comfortable. We are going down in a few minutes for the complimentary full American breakfast which should be fabulous. I will watch myself and not overdo because I'm so excited about that number on the scale this morning.

Then it's off to the Magic Kingdom!

Made it to Buena Vista Suites in Orlando!!

I managed to get an hour and ten minute walk in yesterday morning by going up to Shoppers to buy romaine for the rabbit. They were out of romaine. DOH! I got other things instead and then walked home.

The train left promptly at 3 p.m. Although I didn't sleep as well as I had hoped on the train, I LOVED the travel. I especially loved how my new, smaller body fit into the seat and, best of all, in the dining car booth with room to spare. We had a lovely dinner that didn't blow my diet. I had the delicious baked salmon with string beans, mashed potatoes, and a small side salad. I had Mark move the scrumptious looking bread away from me, so I did not eat any bread. We did not order dessert either. My one indulgence was a whiskey on the rocks, 100 calories, totally delicious.

Breakfast had been packed at home: two hard-boiled eggs, some blueberries, and a clementine. All we needed to buy was black coffee. Again, it was just the thing.

Now we are ensconced in our beautiful two room suite. Once we both have a chance to shower and change clothes, we are driving over to get Evey and go to Subway for lunch. What a great day this is going to be!

It's GONE! And I'm not looking for it.

The surgical fluid weight is GONE!! Hallelujah! I usually do not weigh-in on Sunday mornings unless Mark forgot to hide the scale, but I asked him to bring it out this morning. I got on it and it's GONE!! I am 219.2 this morning. That is actually four tenths LOWER than the morning of the surgery. Whew. At last it's gone.

Now I have to decide whether to pack the scale for the trip or leave it behind. That's a hard decision for me for several reasons. If I take it, I will be tempted to hop on and off every day, even multiple times a day. If I take it, I can weigh-in on my regular day, Tuesday morning, and write it down. If I take it, I might be more honest with myself eating in restaurants. If I take it, I might get CRAZY if I put some weight on. Oh, decisions, decisions.

This afternoon at 3 p.m. our train for Orlando leaves. I could pack the scale in my suitcase and check my weight on Tuesday morning. I should do that. I probably will do that unless the suitcase looks too full. I have already taken out the pages from my food journal to pack. Even if I am eating in restaurants for the next 7 days, I'll try to write things down. I did that on our big summer vacation trip and that helped a lot to keep me honest. I lost 15 pounds on the six week vacation this summer.

Denise, I have already put the cute little hand-held Connect Four game that you sent me into my purse to play on the train, along with a new book of puzzles given to me by a co-worker, and two books. I will be quite content on the train trip.

Did I mention that I'm excited about eating dinner in the dining car tonight? When Mark, Evey, and I took the cross-country train to California back in the summer of 2002, I weighed 265. I had just dieted myself down from 295 for the trip. I ate in the dining car then, but it was quite a tight fit into those little booths. When Mark and I took the overnight train to New Orleans this past January for a wedding, I wouldn't even go to the dining car. At 316 pounds, I KNEW there was NO WAY I could fit into the booth. Mark went to the cafe car and brought things back for me. I am very excited to think that I can fit into the booth for a nice dinner tonight. That will be one of the things I talk about on the next blog for sure!

Our train gets to Orlando at 10:34 tomorrow morning. We are renting a car for the week. By noon we'll be checked into the Buena Vista Suites Hotel and having lunch with our daughter Evey. I can't wait to see her. Tomorrow night we have a 6:30 p.m. reservation for dinner at the Raglan Road Irish restaurant at Downtown Disney. The menu looks amazing, but I will have to be careful. Evey has been there before and says she loves their Bailey's Irish Cream Milkshake. Hmm...I would love that, too. I told her she can order it, and I'll take one or two sips for my dessert.

The next time I post on this blog will be from Orlando and the Buena Vista Suites Hotel.

Wonderful Concert!

Mark and I really enjoyed the concert tonight of Elijah. I followed along in my score the whole way. The soloists were phenomenal, and my friends in CMC were just amazing. It was so energizing to see everyone again and get hugs and well-wishes from everyone. I had not seen most of them in a month or more, so they were very complimentary about my weight loss. The kind of love and camaraderie that develops in a choir is amazing. It's something that you get from very few other experiences. To anyone from CMC who reads this blog, and I know there are some of you out there, GREAT WORK tonight. I miss being part of the group. I only did it for two seasons and part of this season, but it was a wonderfully rewarding experience. When I move to Florida, I hope I can find a group to join there. If I can't sell my house and don't move, you better believe I will be back in CMC!!

I'm mad.

It's now dark out, and I did not get a walk in today. I feel frustrated and mad at myself for not doing it. When we got home from the synagogue it was already going on 2 p.m. We had a late lunch and I felt sleepy, so I took a little nap thinking that I'd walk when I woke up. When I woke up at 4:15, it was still light, but Mark was napping. I should have just taken responsibility for myself and gone out walking for a half an hour before it got dark. Instead I ate some salad and a clementine and watched TV until about 5:20. By then, of course, it was quite dark. I asked Mark when he was going to get up, and he said at 5:45. Of course, as soon as it got dark, I knew there would not be a walk, so I don't know why I'm mad; yet somehow I feel like I should have done it. Now I'm sitting here at the computer feeling angry with myself and a little angry at Mark for not doing it, but I know intellectually that that is the wrong thing to feel. It's actually always my own responsibility for getting out there and doing what I know I should do. I have to take all the responsibility for my own health and walking is part of that. Now I've wasted a day to get a nice walk in. UGH. I'm feeling mad.

Elijah tonight

Today is a turning out great! I actually went to synagogue services this morning which I have not attended since the surgery. I'll miss the next two weeks for travel. It was nice seeing everyone and getting so many well-wishes. Mark and I were called up for the first aliyah so that I could "bench gomel," a special prayer people say after they have come through surgeries or accidents. It was a nice moment.

When I got home, I had a long, chatty email from my son. He doesn't often send long, chatty emails, so that was a gift in itself making this day an especially great one.

Soon I will go out for a pleasant walk in the sun, and tonight Mark and I are going to hear the Central Maryland Chorale sing Mendelssohn's oratorio Elijah. I would have been singing it with them except for this surgery. My friend Joan brought us two tickets as a gift. I'm looking forward to it very much.

It's a great day. I hope everyone reading this blog is also having a great day!

Sunny, clear, and cool

Today I got my nails and toes done! Yay!! I had taken all the acrylics off before the surgery, and I had forgotten how miserable my real nails look. They chip and break too easily. So today I got a full set of acrylics again and a pedicure. I picked out a pale pink polish that almost matches my Mickey Mouse shaped pink ring that I found in my jewelry box. Mark bought me this ring at Disney World many years ago, but it had not fit my finger for a very long time. Happily, it is now loose! I have been wearing it for the last week, so today it was fun to get my toes and nails painted to match.

We also took a lovely walk with a purpose. Mark needed an ingredient for tonight's Hungry Girl recipe (Meaty Thin Crust Pizza, using soy crumbles for the meat and a low-carb tortilla for the thin crust) that he didn't know we were out of when he shopped, so we walked up to the Shopper's Food Warehouse store to get it. That's about a 2 mile round trip, and we did it in 49 minutes. The weather was just delightful, and I always enjoy the conversations that Mark and I have while we walk.

Drizzly, dark, and damp

It is not an outdoors kind of day. The weather is so dark, cold, and drizzly that I almost wanted to stay in my flannel nightgown and fluffy bathrobe all day. Instead I showered and dressed and went to Lowe's. We are slowly working on remodeling and painting projects in anticipation of selling our house next spring. Mark has been diligently working on painting the master bath, so I've been looking into new sinks, fixtures, and medicine cabinets for the hall bathroom. The other day I went to Home Depot with all the measurements and learned about a lot of options and prices. It totally wore me out, so much so that all I could do was sit in the car for about ten minutes before I had the energy to drive home. That was also after I had walked in the neighborhood, though. Today I used walking around Lowe's looking at the same sorts of things as my walk. I walked around the store for 40 minutes. Well, in all honesty, some of the time I was standing still looking at things, but mostly I was slowly cruising around the aisles looking at all kinds of beautiful things. Then I went to the pet store to buy some more treats for my bunny rabbit. I also bought two magazines about rabbits. Now I've had my usual 240 calorie lunch, and I'm about to sit in my chair, in my flannel nightie and fluffy bathrobe, and read the rabbit magazines. I suspect it won't be long before I'm taking a nap. Ah, the doctor prescribed rest, so on a drizzly, dark, damp day, I think a nap is the perfect afternoon plan!

Ramping it up

I increased the walking today, and it felt pretty good! Mark and I just returned from going 2.1 miles in 50 minutes. I know that's nothing to brag about under ordinary circumstances, but for me it's an accomplishment. It's 15 minutes longer and .6 of a mile farther, so that makes it an accomplishment at this time. I broke a sweat and feel like I'm coming back.

I also went to the grocery store today all by myself! Wow, I haven't done that in a long time actually. I needed more vitamins, but I also discovered a new soup. I bought a container of Campbell's Select Harvest Light Southwestern -Style Vegetable Soup. It had two servings in it (yeah, right, who would share that?) at 50 calories per serving. So I ate the whole container for 100 calories. I also had a can of tuna in water for another 100 calories plus my usual two containers of sugar-free jello for 20 more. Today's lunch was 220. Excellent.

Normally I eat Nile Minestrone soup in a cup at 140 calories. So this Campbell's soup, which was really delicious and just as filling, was 40 calories less. Hm...a good deal until you compare price. Nile at $1.50 is the better bargain compared to the Campbell's at $2.69.

A comparison of the other nutrients finds this:

Nile Minestrone
Calories 140
Fat 1 g
Cholesterol 0 mg
Sodium 590 mg
Tot Carbs 30 g
Fiber 8 g
Sugar 3 g
Protein 8 g


Campbell's Select Harvest Light Southwestern-Style Vegetable
Calories 100
Fat 0 g
Cholesterol 0 mg
Sodium 960 mg
Total Carbs 28 g
Fiber 8 g
Sugar 10 g
Protein 4 g

For someone watching their sodium or sugar intake, then the Nile Minestrone is a better choice. Fat, cholesterol, and fiber are equal. Nile is also higher in its protein content.

I don't really care about any of those things except the calories, so for me Campbell's looks better; however, it does cost almost twice as much. Oh, well...variety is the spice of life.

"These boots are made for walkin' "

OK, I wasn't really wearing boots. Mark and I just got back from walking to the mailbox and back. That's a 1.45 mile roundtrip. Today I shaved one minute off yesterday's time, walking it in 35 minutes. I'd like to get my strength back up to the 5K in an hour and ten minutes, but I know that's going to take awhile.

Also it's Tuesday, which is weigh-in day. I was 223 this morning. It's still three pounds up from the day of the surgery, but I will take it. It's a one pound loss for the week, and I was not especially well-behaved this week since I averaged 1655 calories per day. That's probably a maintenance amount, so the one pound was just more of the surgical fluid being absorbed and released. Oh, well...I feel rejuvenated today. I feel more in control and excited about the weight loss again. After visiting the doctor yesterday, I feel happy and healthy. I know that I'm going in the right direction and that I will positively get there.

My goal now is to lose a total of 48 more pounds, putting me at the wedding weight of 175. Having lost 99 pounds right now, 48 doesn't seem like so much. I am confident that I can do it. I am setting no particular time limit on it because there will be so much traveling in the spring. I hope to maintain my weight at least on all the travel, but I do plan to lose 25 more before the travel starts on March 2, 2010. So the new goal is to hit 198 by March 2!! Wow, I haven't been under 200 since I was in my twenties. I am starting to remember how wonderful that felt, and I'm looking forward to it.

Post-Op Follow-Up

I recently returned from my surgeon's office for the two week post-op visit. He is happy with my progress. He said it's normal still to be up in weight after this. I am still up 5 pounds from two weeks ago, pre-surgery. He was unconcerned because there is still a lot of swelling in there. He said no swimming or weight-lifting or exercise machines until January, but I can walk all I want. I can DRIVE!! That's the best news. He pulled all the steri-strips off the incision and said it looks good. Hm...beauty is in the eye of the beholder. At least it's not purple anymore. It's also longer than I thought. I thought I had measured the whole thing and got 9 inches, but when I got home, I got a really GOOD look at the thing and remeasured. This time I realized it goes a lot farther than I thought, TWELVE inches! YIKES. Still the scar is pretty thin and the part that went over the old scar looks much better than the old one did. It will look even better once it's not scabby, swollen, and red! He said, "You know you had some pretty big hernias in there." Yeah, I think I knew that. I also learned that it takes six to eight weeks for the internal stitches to get totally absorbed, but that there are permanent stitches in there holding the mesh to the muscles that will never go away. So for that reason I have to be careful about twisting, lifting, pulling for at least another six to eight weeks, but really careful about lifting anything heavy forever. Hm. Mark and I left the office and went to the pharmacy for a prescription for him and my daughter, then to the grocery store for a few items, then home. The whole trip out was two hours and twenty minutes. Instead of feeling ready to go for a walk, I felt ready for a nap. I am exhausted. He also said that the lack of energy and tiring quickly is completely normal. I also couldn't wait to get my clothes off!! I'm not enjoying the feeling of elastic across the scar. Still, it has been a good day.

Good friends part two

My Mahj girlfriends just left. It was so much fun, and I even won one game. Everyone drank lots of tea, both cold and hot, and coffee. It was like a festive tea party without all the food. The only food that was brought was some clementines that everyone enjoyed. I think this was the first time that we played mah jongg without lots of food, and I didn't miss it. I think we all focused more on the games, the conversations, and the friendships. I did not miss the food at all.

Thanks, girlfriends, for honoring my request not to bring food. That's the first time I would have had the inner strength to ask for no food. That's sort of a milestone for me.

Tomorrow I'll go to the doctor for my two week check-up. I'll keep you posted!

Feeling a set back

I just got back from a walk outdoors. The weather is delightfully sunny, but my energy level was surprisingly low. I walked a shorter distance than yesterday, but it still took 36 minutes. My back hurt and my sciatica kicked almost right away, before I even got to the end of the street. I haven't weighed myself this week, but there haven't been too many truly low-calorie days. I also had just spent nearly two hours singing through my show in January. That involved standing for most of that time, then I took a shower and put real clothes on! Underwear, too! This is the first day I put underwear on since the surgery. Most of the steri-strips are still in place, and I have not wanted any elastic on them. I thought I'd test it out today. I doubt if that is why my energy is lower, but still it was something different. Maybe I just wore myself out with the singing more than I realized.

In ninety minutes my Mahj crew will be here! Whoee. Can't wait.

Friends

Yesterday I got a wonderful card from a wonderful woman. The front of the card shows a picture of two cups of hot coffee and some chocolates (and I LOVE both of those!) with the words "Thinking of you today..." Inside it reads "...feeling fortunate that life brought us together and made us friends." Wow! That's awesome. Life certainly does do that sometimes.

I met Evelyn when I joined Central Maryland Chorale. She then joined my Mishkan Torah choir. This allowed us to get to know each other over the last two and a half years. She is a delightful person, and I feel fortunate that life brought us together. She is also an excellent tenor, and my choir was improved by her voice. Coincidentally she shares the first name of my favorite aunt and my daughter.

Little did I know that she also knew one of my high school friends, Mary Jane Cross, known professionally as Murphy Cross. Last June when we were in NYC with CMC to sing in Carnegie Hall, Evelyn and I joined some other CMC singers for dinner one night. During dinner, Evelyn happened to mention that she was going to meet her friend Murphy Cross the next morning in the hotel lobby. I did a little double-take because it's an unusual name. It didn't take long before we realized we were talking about the same person! Evelyn had been good friends with Murphy's mother and watched Murphy grow up. I went to school with Murphy and was in virtually all her classes from 7th grade through 12th grade. After high school, Murphy went to NY to study musical theater and has had a successful career as an actress, choreographer, and director. She won a Tony Award in 2007 for a show called Jay Johnson: The Two and Only. I ran into her only once since high school and that was back when we were both still in college.

So I met with Evelyn and Murphy in the lobby of the hotel. Although Evelyn and Murphy have kept in touch and meet up with each other frequently, I had not seen Murphy in decades. We had a wonderful "catch up on thirty years of life" conversation for about an hour or so before Evelyn and I had to go to a rehearsal. It was really a great time.

So I would like to paraphrase a recent commercial and say:
Cost of joining CMC, $65
Cost of trip to sing at Carnegie Hall, $2,000
Cost of getting to know Evelyn, PRICELESS!!

Crystal Light

We had a plumbing issue this past week which was a leak under the kitchen sink with an inch of water in the cabinet. Yikes. The plumber fixed the pipe and installed a new garbage disposal, but, of course, we had to take everything out from under the sink. Yay! I found a big plastic pitcher. I ran it through the dishwasher, and today I discovered we had lots of Crystal Light packages in the pantry. I mixed up a pitcher of lemonade. Hmm, hmm, good. I also ate a big mug of tomato soup for lunch. Hmm, hmm, good.

The rains finally stopped, so Mark and I took a long walk in the neighborhood for 37 minutes. That's the first time we walked since Tuesday, and it was the longest walk since the surgery.

Other than that I have been ensconced all day in front of America's Top Model Petite Edition all day. At least during the commercials I can read some more pages in my book on the history of the Panama Canal. It's an excellent book, and especialy interesting since we'll be cruising through the canal in April.

Good friends and Bad Habits

I had a nice comment on yesterday's blog from my sister-in-law, Denise. She said it's hard to break bad habits until we understand why we have them. That's very true. The emotional eating articles from Peer Trainer are addressing that issue. I'm a bit behind on listening to them and reading them. I guess it's time to make a point of getting back to that. I did a bit better yesterday, but not perfect. I succumbed to some temptations while watching TV, about an extra 500 calories over my plan. Still, a day of 1700 isn't bad, but it's too much to have any weight loss when there is no exercise along with it.

Good friends help a lot! Yesterday, my good friend Jan came over for a visit. Even though she could only stay an hour, it was wonderful. The cold, rainy, dreary day was definitely brightened by our conversation. She's reading the blog! It's always exciting to me when I discover that someone is reading the blog. She can even relate to some of the things I've been saying. It's comforting to know that there are people who "get it" out there, and I love to hear their stories.

On Sunday I will have 6 great friends coming over to play Mah Jongg at my house. I had set the time for 2 to 4:30 on the condition that I didn't have to make any food or set anything up. They happily agreed. Then yesterday the food talks started. One of them wanted to know what she could bring that I would eat. Well, the short answer to that is that if anyone brings ANYTHING, I'm going to want to eat it. Of course, I should NOT eat anything; that's the real answer.

So I wrote back to her saying that since I scheduled it for 2 to 4:30 because I usually do not eat during that time, there was no reason to bring food for me. If they were going to bring food, it should be vegetables or low-calorie fruits like melon or berries. I planned to drink tea, chew gum, and not think about the snacks they were eating. I also asked that they especially not bring chocolate, chips, or baked goods. After all, I purposely picked 2 to 4:30 because it wasn't lunch or dinner.

Our Mahj group has been playing together for years and years, and we always have it around a lunch or dinner. Whoever hosts usually puts out most of the food, but others attending bring something to contribute. It's always a yummy occasion! I've certainly enjoyed the food as much as the games, the conversation, and the friendships; however, now it's time to put the food part away for awhile, at least for me. It's time to make it about the game, the conversations, and the friendships only.

I'm very excited and pleased that everyone has responded to that email notice in a positive way. They are all supporting me! They are all saying, "Hey, wait, I don't usually eat between 2 and 4:30 either. Maybe we can just have some nice tea and coffee and leave the food out of it."

Way to go girls!! Thanks for being supportive and for being my friends.

Falling off the wagon

I fell off my personal food wagon again yesterday. AGH. WHY do I DO that? Mark went out to Home Depot to buy the new garbage disposal unit, and I went into binge mode. I ate way too many nuts, plus some other nutritious food like a can of tuna and a cheese sandwich (made with lo-cal, lo-carb bread and fat-free cheese), and some Saltine crackers. OK, an entire strip of Saltine crackers for 480 calories. Other than finishing the strip of Saltines, there was nothing actually wrong with what I ate. The thing that was wrong is that I had just had lunch less than thirty minutes earlier. There was no reason to eat anything else at that time. Yet, I got the old urges and started to rove around the kitchen finding things to eat. It's such a bad behavior. It's one that I thought I had mastered, but clearly I have not. Maybe it's too much time in the house with this surgery recovery. Maybe it was the unending, dreary rain yesterday which prevented me from going out for a walk. Maybe it's something else. I really and truly do not know what triggers it. It's clearly not hunger that triggers these binges. I have to get back to reading some of the articles from Peer Trainer on emotional eating. I have gotten a several emails from them lately that I have not taken the time to read. Today might be the day to read them.

Co-inky dinks

I just reread the post I wrote last night. I noticed that the average number of calories I consumed last week per day, 1950, is equal to the number of the year in which I was born. Coincidence?

Made it through the day.

Well, Tuesday is about over. I have made it a good day, and this is the first really good day in the last three. I got up from my chair and had my hands on the box of Saltines, but I put them back. Later I got up from my chair and picked up the mixed nuts, but I put them back. I asked Mark to hide his sugar-free chocolates, which he did. I weigh in on Tuesday mornings, so today I weighed 224. It's up 5 still from last Monday, pre-surgery, but down 5 for this week. Despite how many calories I consumed most days last week (the average was 1950, UGH), I still dropped five pounds of surgical fluids! I walked thirty minutes again today. That was good. Now I'm going to bed, feeling a little more in control again. Whew! Finally!

Everything Ages

I am watching Sesame Street today. It's the 40th anniversary episode, and Michelle Obama is supposed to be on it. She is the first First Lady to have grown up watching Sesame Street. I watched a lot of it when my kids were growing up. We used to enjoy it, but I haven't seen it in years. I was surprised to see how much Marie and Luis have aged, and Bob! Holy Cow, he's looking old. Susan and Gordon look very well. Everything ages, but some things age better than others! The show itself is aging very well. It's still popular, looking good, and serving its purpose of instructing pre-schoolers. Go Sesame Street!

Raise you two

Of course, I'm up two pounds today over yesterday morning after this past weekend's debacle. I really didn't want to write the last entry or this one, but if I withhold the bad stuff, there's no point in having this blog. It got started when I had a binge. I really do have to 'fess up when I slip up. Tomorrow is my official weigh-in morning. I have asked Mark to take the scale away after tomorrow because I need to get back to all of my routines, including the one of weighing in only once a week. All I can do today is pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back on the horse, so to speak.

Out of Control

Full disclosure forces me to say that I am OUT OF CONTROL tonight. Too much food yesterday and a good plan for today, but I threw the plan out the window apparently. I overate at lunch. I overate at dinner. Then I got into graze and binge mode. I have eaten everything in sight for the last ninety minutes until I feel that my stomach will burst. I expect that overstuffing my stomach is NOT SMART with internal stitches. I didn't want to type this because I know Mark will read it tomorrow and be mad, then disappointed, and completely not get it. People with normal eating habits don't get it, I know. I don't even get it. I just do it. I need to find that inner strength that got me this far. Where did it go? I hope it returns tomorrow.

No 5K Sunday

I knew this would happen. The last four Sundays I went out and walked the 5K route in my neighborhood, but I knew that would not happen this Sunday. Since the surgery, I only went out to walk a little two times. I hope that today I can make it outside for a third time. I do plan to go out today and try to get at least as far as the community pool, which would barely be a few steps farther than the last time I went out. Still it would be something. I might be having a friend visit today; she wasn't sure if she could make it. If she comes, I might get her to go on a little walk with me!

On a very positive note, a few more of the pounds from the fluid weight gain are gone. I was 223.7 this morning. That's actually down FOUR pounds since yesterday morning. Must be fluid because yesterday I consumed nearly 2300 calories! Mark made such a delicious dinner for our friends: meat chili, homemade corn bread with margarine, salad, homemade brownies with walnuts, mixed nuts, low-carb crackers, low-carb tortilla chips, hummus, veggie tray. Wow, it adds up fast. Tonight we will have this meal again as leftovers, but I won't eat brownies. I froze all the brownies to use as a snack next Sunday when I host some Mah Jongg friends here for a few hours of playing. I have worked out a plan so that today I will only eat 1550 calories, which is much better than yesterday. Still it's not going to bring about a big weight loss without a lot of exercise, and I'm certainly NOT up to a lot of exercise yet.

My pain is fairly minimal for the most part now. I wear out quickly, and I will get pain in the abdomen if I try to do too much. The worst part is the large area of ugly, purple bruises. Now it not only looks horrible, but it ITCHES!!

Can't let anything stay contained?

This morning a friend of mine emailed me a question about our next big vacation. As I was typing my reply to her about how it went from a 16 day trip to a 42 day trip, I realized that I had never actually written it all down before. I told my husband, and he said, "Yeah, are you explaining to her how you are a person who can never let anything stay contained?" I laughed and replied, "Hey, maybe that's why I got so FAT over the years!!" I never thought about how I never keep anything little, but I almost always look for ways to make it bigger. Worked great on my body. Sadly that was not a good thing!

Let's talk inches today.

I am still up nine pounds since Monday morning. That's actually good because after the shock of seeing the extra 9 pounds Tuesday morning, MORE actually showed up. I went as high as 14 pounds up, so some of that has already gone. This morning I tried something new. I measured my waist and hips. I have been doing that periodically to track the inches that I have lost. Today I noticed that my waist and hips are each FOUR inches bigger than Monday morning before the surgery. Clearly that's where the extra water weight is hiding. All the medical personnel, both the nurses at the surgical center and the nurses who are my personal friends, have told me that this will take weeks to go away. So now I'm going to reveal the gory details, all the inches! At my highest weight ever, 322, on January 1, 2007, my measurements were 64-61-67. Yes, those all start with a SIX. Pretty hideous looking at it now, but I never realized how bad it was at the time. I'm pretty sure I was similarly sized this past January 20, 2009 when I began this particular journey. I re-measured on September 1, 2009, weighing in at 240. At that time my measurements were 50-51-56. NOT BAD!! Down double digits in all directions. I also re-measured the morning of the surgery, November 2, 2009, weighing in at 219.6. I was 49-48-52. Still losing!! Now five days later post-op, I weighed in this morning at 228.6, and my measurements are 49-52-56. UGH. Why is it that if you have to gain inches, they are never in your boobs!

Showing signs of improvement

Here it is, day four post-op. Things are showing signs of improvement. Last night I did have to take Percocet at bed time. I was starting to notice some serious discomfort, and I had not had any pain killers all day. Time for toughening up and sucking it up was OVER. I slept in my bed for the first time since Sunday night. For the first two nights, I could not lay down on my back, or on my side, or (obviously) on my stomach; so that pretty much ruled out being in a bed! I slept sitting up in my living room chair, which is actually more comfortable than you might think. Last night, with the help of Percocet, I was able to sleep on my back or on my side if I had a pillow under my stomach to relieve some of the pressure. I slept pretty well, actually. This morning I have vowed to eat my normal diet again, so I had Morningstar Links and black coffee. In an hour or so, I'm going to have a yogurt. Hopefully none of that will make me nauseous. I'm still up a total of 10 pounds over Monday morning, pre-surgery, so I'm going to have work really hard to get that 10 pounds back off. I did not expect to face that challenge, but I'm convinced that if I get back to my usual 1200 calorie per day plan, that it will come off, even if the exercise component has to be cut way back. It will just take longer.

Also, yesterday my rabbi came by for a visit. It was delightful, and I really appreciated him driving all the way up here to see me. He even concluded the visit by giving me a misheberach, a special healing prayer for the sick. As he stood with his prayer book in his left hand and put his right hand on my arm to recite the words of the healing prayer, I did actually feel very special. I felt as if I had truly received a blessing of healing. Thanks, Rabbi Jonathan!

Post-Op Day Three; this might be TMI

I took a shower today. Yay! That felt very good. I was surprised that I was allowed to get it wet so soon, but I guess it's because there are steri-strips that will fall off when they are ready instead of stitches that have to be removed by the doctor. After the shower, Mark and I walked to the stop sign at the end of our street and back. Before surgery that was just the beginning of my walks. Now I was thankful I got that far and back. It's about three-tenths of a mile, maybe a bit less. Tomorrow it's going to rain, so I don't know if I'll get to go out. One reason that I really wanted to get out and walk is the problem with constipation. They warned me that I needed to have something happen within 36 hours or I should call them. I guess I'm not behaving so well because it's now well past that. I have taken stool softeners yesterday and this morning; last night and this morning I also took a laxative. I have been drinking water and decaf tea and diet sprite. I have not eaten anything with fiber, but for lunch today I plan to have some soup with fiber in it. I'm no longer taking the percocets because I know they can cause constipation. And I walked. If nothing happens by 2 p.m., I'll call the doctor because it will be 48 hours at that point.

Good news/Bad news

Hm...it's now the afternoon after the surgery. The good news is that it went remarkably well, much better than I ever would have believed. The clinic was running behind schedule, so my noon surgery turned into a 1 p.m. surgery, but I was still leaving the clinic at 4:30. We stopped at the store for a pain med prescription, soup, and crackers for dinner and still got in the house by 5:30 p.m. Not bad at all. I did all that I was supposed to do: ice on and off every 20 minutes until I went to bed; pain meds staggered, 800 mg ibuprofen then three hours later a percocet then back to ibuprofen, etc. That seemed to work really well. I had a lot of local anaesthetic injected into the wound site, so that made it very easy to get in the car and get home. I didn't feel any soreness or discomfort in the surgery site until today when clearly the locals are worn off. The percocet and ibuprofen combo is keeping the pain to a minimum. It's all good.

The other good news is that the doctor only had to make one cut. He had planned to do an upside down T, but he didn't need the cross-bar part after all. He only made one long incision and was able to reach in and do both hernias through the same incision. He said that would make the recovery smoother. I'm sure he's right.

Now for the bad news. I GAINED NINE POUNDS yesterday. I got up yesterday and was 220 (yay for hitting that goal for surgery) and got up this morning at 229. (boo hiss) I would not even think that is possible because I only ate 750 calories yesterday in soup and crackers. I had a good week where I averaged 1150 each day of the week, and yet Tuesday is the day to write down my weight, so sadly I had to write down a big gain for the week. Sniff. So sad. When the doctor's nurse called to follow up today, I mentioned it to her. She actually laughed and said, "Well, we did pump a lot of fluids into you yesterday." She said it could take two weeks for the fluid to all leave. Sniff again. Still, I will look forward to that.

The other bad news, and I know this is petty, is that I took the big bandage off today and got a look at the new scar. I cannot really see my belly button without a mirror, but Mark was looking. He said I now have an "outy." Hm....I always had an "inny" until the hernia bulged out. I kind of thought it would all get pushed back in, but in fairness, the doctor did say he was going to have to rebuild the belly button. Maybe I should have asked for an "inny." Oh, well....too late now!

Hitting another milestone

This morning I hit 220, 219.6 to be exact. I had set 220 as the goal for the surgery once I knew it would be in the fall instead of February, so I'm pretty excited. I hope it's enough. I have done a lot of reading on incisional hernia repairs, and all the articles say a person should be of normal weight. Even though I've now lost 102 pounds, I am nowhere near the normal weight for my 5'2" frame. I hope it's enough. I'm sure it was the best I could do in the amount of time I had.

I am missing my morning coffee right now, that's for sure! Nothing to eat or drink after midnight on the day of surgery is standard procedure.

I have packed two bags. One little plastic bag contains a long-sleeved, mid-calf length stretchy lounger in a pretty red and black pattern that I bought at Kohl's. It looks enough like a dress and has enough thickness and warmth to it that I think I can wear it home this evening if indeed they do send me home. I don't want to try to put anything with an elastic waistband over the incision site today. The other bag contains things in case they keep me overnight: a new, pale blue, long-sleeved, floor length, flannel nightgown; a new zip-up soft, fuzzy bathrobe; a puzzle book courtesy of one of my co-workers; a pen; a book on the building of the Panama Canal courtesy of my school's library; a paperback mystery novel; a ziplok bag of my usual night time pills; and a ziplok with my toothbrush and toothpaste. I plan to leave this bag in the car. If they move me to the hospital, Mark can go out and get it.

I was very happy that my son came to have dinner with us last night. He brought his camera so we could see the pictures he took last summer when he drove across country and back. He had many beautiful pictures of the Outer Banks in North Carolina, Smokey Mountains, deserts, the Hoover Dam, Las Vegas, Southern California, the Pacific Ocean, Sequoia National Park, San Francisco, salt flats and the Great Salt Lake, Nebraska plains, etc. What an incredible drive!! I give him a lot of credit. I would never have the courage to attempt a trip that long on my own. I am always so proud of him.

We ended up staying home and eating the delicious vegetarian chili that Mark cooked from the Hungry Girl cookbook. I only ate one cup of it and two large plates of salad with grated, fat-free parmesan cheese sprinkled on it. I also allowed myself to eat an entire challah roll with fat-free margarine. Yummy! Lowell had his chili over spaghetti, but Mark and I ate it straight from a bowl. It was very spicy! Later we had coffee and Hungry Girl Peach pie, 80 calories for one-eighth of the pie. It was really, really delicious. At 10:30 I ate my usual banana, took my nighttime pills, drank a little water, and called it a day. My total calories for yesterday were 1530. I think that was a very good number considering I did walk 5k after all.

I do not expect to be blogging anymore today or maybe even tomorrow. If all goes according to plan, I should be ready to think about blogging again by Wednesday. I have enjoyed writing these posts for the last few weeks. I'll be looking forward to getting back to it. It's a nice release for me to write about my weight loss and my fear of this surgery. After today, the surgery will be behind me and I can write about the recovery from it. I'll need to find the strength to stay focused on losing another 50 pounds and on getting back to walking. This time my motivation will be the Cabaret Showcase at the synagogue on January 30, 2010 and leaving for the big vacation on March 2. I hope those events are as motivating as this surgery has been.

Time to close down now for awhile. Thanks to everyone who called and emailed to wish me well. It's wonderful knowing that I have so much love and support in my corner.

Good day part two

The Disney on Ice show was really beautiful. The new prince and princess from the next cartoon musical Princess and the Frog made an appearance. It was a great way to spend a few hours on the afternoon before surgery. When we came out, the sun was shining! As soon as I got home, I took off on my 5k walk after all. I feel really good that I was able to do it because I know there will be a month of Sundays when I cannot do a 5k walk. So many people have been sending me email greetings or making phone calls to wish me well tomorrow. I am very blessed to have such an extensive support group. Thanks to all of you!
Of course, when I'm up to it, I will blog about the surgery and about getting back on track for the next 50 pounds. If you want to leave comments on the blog, please do! I love it when I bring up the blog and see a comment. Sadly, it doesn't happen often, but for those who have left a comment, please know how much they are truly appreciated.

Gonna have a good day!

I got up this morning determined to have a good day! There has been only one disappointment so far. I wanted to go out and do my 5K Sunday again. This is the last Sunday that I could have done it for at least a month since the surgery is tomorrow, but it is very cold and raining pretty hard. Not a good day for walking outside, and the malls won't open in time for me to go there. That is a minor issue. It's still going to be a good day.

So far, I have cooked and eaten a really delicious breakfast. It was much bigger than usual, but I will not be eating lunch today. Mark made his usual Sunday morning breakfast which includes leaving me three low-carb pancakes on a plate before he leaves for the synagogue. These pancakes are from the Big Train company pancake mix. Three good-sized pancakes are 190 calories and 7 carbs. Usually I eat them with my three Morningstar links, but today I splurged. I fried two real eggs in Pam (140 calories) and cooked 6 strips of Lightlife Smart Bacon Strips (soy) which are 20 calories each (120 c.). I also had 2 T of Smart Beat Lite Margarine (100 c.) on the pancakes and my usual container of yogurt (90 c.). The total calories for this HUGE breakfast is 630. I haven't eaten that much for breakfast in 10 months!!

Oh, well, there will be no lunch because we are leaving at 11 a.m. to go up to Baltimore to see the new Disney on Ice show. That starts at 12:30. I'm guessing we'll get home around 3:30 or 4. I have a friend coming over then to clip the bunny rabbit's toe nails. Later, my son is coming over to have dinner with us and share his vacation photos. Last night Mark made a Hungry Girl vegetarian chili with only 120 calories per cup, which I can eat with salad (120 c. with parmesan cheese sprinkled on it). That will still keep my daily calorie total at 870 and leave room for a banana and some sugar-free popsicles later tonight.

I am mildly concerned that the chili might be too spicy and too gassy to eat the night before surgery, so our other alternative is to go out to Denny's. I love going there, and that's where we ate a lot of our dinners throughout our summer vacation. I can get the Denny's Senior Lemon Pepper Tilapia dinner. I leave the lemon pepper sauce off the fish, take no dressing on the salad, order a double order of string beans for the two sides, and sometimes I even eat the garlic toast. If I we do that, the dinner is about 700 calories, possibly less. Even eating out, I would have only 1330 for the day.

After midnight, nothing by mouth until after surgery. I don't think I'll feel much like eating anything tomorrow, so I'm not really worried about having over my target number of 1200 calories per day. If I eat out, I might still eat the banana and popsicles (170 calories) making today's total 1500.

Yes, I'm determined today will be a good day.