Yesterday I woke up after a good night's sleep and felt ready to face a long day of chores. I was in such a happy mood, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for finishing up the house, that I made up a ditty, "We'll get the chores done, so we can go and have fun." I said it several times yesterday with a smile on my face.
About noon my smile left. My ditty evaporated. The light at the end of the tunnel WAS an oncoming train, a train called breast cancer.
My surgeon called with the news. He is always honest and somewhat brusque, but this time I really thought I detected a note of genuine sympathy in his voice. He said the pathology report came back with the diagnosis of breast cancer. He said I needed to come in to see him as soon as possible (which is today at 4 p.m.) in order to go over the pathology report in detail, take out copies of all the reports, and discuss treatment options. He indicated that he was sure I would need additional surgery.
What he did not say: the stage of the cancer or the prognosis. I hope to find that out today.
So we finished the chores. If you read that LONG list of chores yesterday, I want you to know we did it all, except #4 and Erick came at 9 a.m. (my mistake)! I alternated between not thinking about it and crying. I yelled, paced the basement, and got pissed off. I typed some emails, made some calls, wrote on Facebook. The hardest thing was telling my kids. They are far away from me and I cannot hug them and comfort them as I deliver the bad news. I waited until they were home from work or chores, so I didn't have to upset them in the midst of something else. Still, it was hard. I could not stop myself from breaking down and crying, and I think that set them off into crying. I'm sorry, Lowell and Evey, but I tried to be strong, but I think honest emotion is better. I hope you agree.
Today we are going back to the house to do a final load of laundry there. We have to make a lot of phone calls today: cancel cable, internet, gas and electric, close a bank account, house insurance. We also have to learn stuff about new car insurance in Florida and new house insurance. We also have to make calls about our new health insurance options in Florida, who the knew doctors might be, and decide where the treatments will take place. We might have to go to Florida, buy and set up the new house, and then come right back up here for treatments. At least I know the doctors here and have friends and family for support. If the surgeon says I should immediately have treatment, we learned that we can buy the house without ever going to Florida, everything by fax and email. Although our belongings are leaving today for Florida, they can wait in a storage facility down there forever, or until we have time to go unload them into the house. We could even NOT buy the house, forfeit the 5k down payment, and just put the proceeds from the sale here in the bank and live off of it in an apartment or motel up here until my treatments are over.
That last thought is NOT my first choice. I WANT my house. I WANT my dream retirement life in that house, going to Disney World, traveling, laying by the pool. I still WANT all that. I WANT to see my daughter get married. I WANT to start treatments and fight. I will not give in. I will fight no matter how sick I get from any treatments. Nothing is more important than living longer.
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